And we keep on going.

Number 3 is from our first lady, Michelle Obama.

3) Eat Dinner as a family-I agree.  Simple as that.  Mrs. Obama, goes on to say, that sometimes the president will drop everything to attend family dinners.  In theory, this is a wonderful idea.  But why  imply that a family DINNER is what’s important?  Perhaps your husband is stuck in traffic, maybe your child’s basketball practice ran late, things can interfere, but making SOME time to be together is the goal here isn’t it?

Sometimes we have breakfast on Sunday morning together.  I get up, make pancakes and fruit salad, and we all sit around the table TOGETHER.  If breakfasts works for your family, do it.  Maybe after dinner, a ‘dessert time’ is doable.  IN the summer or school vacations, maybe lunch works.  It isn’t the fact that you eat dinner together that counts, it’s the fact that you are together.  Spend time with your kids, talk about your day, laugh together.

I think Mrs. Obama offers up a great 'thing’ I just think there’s more too it.

Glee has been hitting it out of the park for me lately.  I know not everyone is a fan, but I love music. I love the idea of a show about kids standing tall and believing in themselves. And Glee has been showcasing that lately.

But last night’s episode really hit home.  Roy hasn’t seen it, though I am sure we will talk about it.  Corey hasn’t seen the whole episode, but what he did see he was touched by.

If you watch the show, you know the backstory with David Karofsky (a.k.a. Dave).  He was a bully, admittedly, rather one dimensional in the beginning, but they really took a chance when they had him ‘come out’ with Kurt.  Dave is/was a football player - the stereotypical alpha male - homosexuality is a weakness, it was wrong, and it was something he could not admit to himself.  He switched schools, and this season was him trying to comes to terms with who he really is (what little we saw of him).  The character made great strides, but he was still not strong enough to come out at his new school.  Through a series of events, he was outed in a cruel and horrible way, but one I (sadly) don’t think is unusual in certain schools.  As a retort, the character is shown trying to take his own life.

As the mother of a gay young man, my heart broke.  Sure, it’s just TV, but there was a very small scene of Dave’s father holding his son crying and screaming, begging him to wake up.  And as the mother of a young man that is gay, I would be lying if I said I never feared that one day that moment would be ours.

Brandon Teena, Jamey Rodemeyer, Larry King, Jamie Hubley, Matthew Shepard - and those are just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.  All young men; all described by family and friends as kind, caring, loving, forgiving, intelligent… and gay.  Killed because others were afraid of who these young men might love.

Nevermind that we want to ask if it is anyone’s business, nevermind that they weren’t hurting anyone, nevermind that lives were lost and families destroyed because other young people are not taught to 'live and let live.' 

How do we as parents give our gay teens (and even our heterosexual teens) the strength to believe in themselves when we have fear in our own hearts for their safety?

How do teenagers learn to be proud of who they are when simply being who they are offends others?

It’s hard for us with Corey.  He is just like me, in that he will rarely back down from confrontation.  He speaks his mind, fights for what he thinks is right - and we are so proud of him for that.  I don’t want him to change, and yet it’s hard to teach a headstrong young man when you need to walk away. 

Being called names is one thing - ignorance is rarely something you can change with a dirty look or a well timed comeback.  But how do you teach a child that if you confront the name callers, it might escalate?

We give Corey a mixed message - we tell him to stand up for himself, and yet I worry that one day someone might take it to the next level.

Many (not all) people that think homosexuality is wrong, believe they have God on their side.  To them that’s a pretty powerful ally.  And though I firmly believe that God would not cast aside a good person because they were gay, not everyone feels that way.  Religious beliefs are a powerful motivator.

And yet, how do we educate (and I use that word for lack of a better one, as I don’t necessarily think I have the tools to educate someone about their beliefs) those that look at the world with a more closed mind, that being gay isn’t a disease?  It isn’t an illness that a shot can cure?  

Gay teens are 3 to 4 (some studies say more) times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts.  A sobering statistic. Especially when you look at the teen suicide statistics in general. And yet is enough being done in the schools?

A few years ago, Corey got in trouble for insinuating two boys were getting intimate in the showers at school.  When I asked him why he said that, he admitted to it and said that they had called him names for weeks, and he had finally had enough.  I won’t repeat some of the names they called him. I am sure you can guess.  He was given one day of in school suspension.  I’m fine with that, but I wanted to be sure the other boys also received some sort of discipline.  When I spoke with the counselor, her response was basically, “well the other boys told first… and isn’t Corey really gay…”

HUH?  So, because my son actually IS gay, it’s okay for them to call him vulgar names?  Are you kidding me?  And it wasn’t until I threatened to go over her head that she 'saw my point’ and gave the other boys a day of in school suspension as well.  So the school has a 'no bullying’ policy, but if the name 'fits,’ it doesn’t really matter how vulgar or nasty it is?  Sorry, that sends the wrong message, and I wonder how many other school are the same way.

Do we tell our kids that it ISN’T cool to laugh when someone calls someone else a vulgar name?  That it makes them just as bad as the name-caller?  Do we remind our kids that sometimes silence is just as bad as bullying?  Because by doing nothing, we are telling the bully that he/she is doing nothing wrong?  Do we share stories of kids that felt they had no other way out?  And then do we hold them close and tell them they are not alone?

If we don’t, then we should.

I saw this on Facebook, and am confused.

A young woman, and I say young because she could be my daughter, is only 20.  Her boyfriend is a bit older, 26 and says he doesn’t want kids.  She does, but she loves him so thinks she should get a tubal ligation.

Really?  SOOO many things wrong here.

First of all, a tubal ligation is meant to be a permanent for of birth control.  You can get them reversed, but that isn’t often successful, which is why it’s meant to be a permanent solution.

Second, having kids is a HUGE decision.  And yet for many it’s a deal breaker.  I think the desire to have children is very strong in some of us, and not so much in others, and that’s ok. But IF you want kids, isn’t this something that deserves more than…"Well, he doesnt’ want them, I love him, so I basically ruin any chance I have of carrying a child for him.“  No, no, no honey….If YOU wants kids, and he doesn’t than by all means protect yourself, there is such a thing as birth control, but at 20?  When you aren’t married or even living together?  To let HIM decide YOUR future?  Or vice versa?  Show some backbone.

And this is what I’m surprised about this entire thread.  This young woman was called selfish for wanting a tubal at 20.  She wasn’t called silly for letting someone talk her out of her dream of children.  She wasn’t called weak for giving in to an offhanded comment about her own reproduction.  No, she was called selfish for THINKING about not having children.

What?  One of the young women that replied is having fertility issues.  She called the original poster selfish because she could have kids, but was thinking of not having kids.  What?  First of all…we don’t even know if the OP can have kids.  She didn’t give her fertility history.  Second, HER decision to NOT have kids has nothing to do with being selfish or not. 

No, I’ll say her boyfriend is selfish if he is trying to sway her to his way of thinking, but if this young woman truly know her heart (she doens’t seem to, but let’s say for the sake of argument she does) and doesn’t want kids, how is that selfish?

Some people don’t want kids…they don’t.  I would consider it MORE selfish to have kids when you do not want them, have no desire to parent, and have no means of supporting them.  That’s selfish.

But not everyone has the baby bug, and why does that make them selfish? 

I had a tubal at 34…There was nothing in my history that would suggest that I couldn’t have another child after Dean was born.  Was my decision selfish?  Roy is adamant about not having another baby, is he selfish?

I for all intents and purposes can not have children, am I also selfish for staying married to a man with healthy, good baby making sperm?  

Children are a gift, and because I wanted them doesn’t make me any less selfish than the couple that doesn’t want them.

The year it took me to get pregnant with Dean was a roller coaster ride.  I cursed my body, I cried, I locked myself in the bathroom, I took it out on Roy…but that was between us.  It had nothing to do with you, or my neighbor or anyone else.

Did I become sad when I saw a pregnant woman?  Of course, but I never begrudged her of her joy, because her ability to get pregnant also had nothing to do with me.

Angela Bassett rocked as Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got to do With it?.”  She has been married to fellow actor Courtney B Vance for almost 16 years and she is the mother of 7 year old twins.

9) Say No-See, we get conflicting information here.  In recent years, I have read more than one article in parenting magazines saying to NOT say no so much.  Kids need to experience the world, they need to learn to navigate the ins and outs of life, and they can’t do that if Mom/Dad is constantly hovering over them and making all the decisions for them.  We need to give our kids some leeway, give them some slack in the proverbial leash we want to keep on our kids.

What I think we are being told to say “NO!” to is material things.  That cool new toy the kids claim everyone has, the new iPod that will make them the coolest kid on the block, or a car in the driveway on their 16th birthday.

Our kids want instant gratification.  They want something, and they want it now.  This is one thing I have a hard time doing, especially with the two younger boys.  A part of me supposes I am of the mindset that since we can afford it, why not?  And for the most part, depending on the situation, I am fine with that mentality.  As long as they are humble and appreciate what others do for them, what is the harm?

On the other hand, the younger boys are having a tough time understanding all of this.  A little beyblade here, another one there, and all of a sudden I’m getting asked to go to the store on a daily basis.  It isn’t that I have a problem denying the boys, it’s the idea that I have to explain things.  We don’t have the money now, I’m too tired to go to the store, etc, etc.  I’m the mom, if I say no, it means no, and that should be good enough.

So, I’m practicing this-saying “NO!”  It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I think I’m making progress.

I dislike the idea of “Mommy Wars.”

Magazines, Newspapers, TV they perpetuate.  I work outside the home AND I have kids, YOU are a SAHM so you have more time…Obviously I have it harder than you.

Well, I’m a SAHM to x number of kids, my husband works, and I’m up to my ears in playdoh and homework day in and day out.

Well, My kid is a special needs kid, blah, blah, blah….

It goes on and on and on.

This stems from an article I read the other day from another blogger.  Her child is a special needs child.  She didn’t go into too much detail in regards to his diagnosis, but I imagine he would be considered high functioning as she said he was expressing his hurt over not being as coordinated as the other children.  I will admit, I’m on shaky ground here, I don’t know any mother’s with autistic children, so I am not sure of the spectrum and all it entails.

BUT, what caught my eye is the author’s mindset, that those people with ‘normal’ kids really shouldn’t complain. 

If your child plays teams sports, you really shouldn’t say anything about their schedule or the money involved, because her child won’t get to play team sports.

If you get the chance to cheer them on at a game, you should be grateful, and not say a word about the coach who yells constantly.

And that’s fine and dandy, but to then go on and say you want to slap mother’s that complain about their 'normal’ kids?  

Now, dont’ get me wrong.  I get venting, I get frustration (I have five kids…hello!), I understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed and then to wake up to yet another smackdown.  I get that.  

I don’t get HER frustrations, because I’m not her, but I know what I feel like when I feel like I keep getting knocked down every time I try to stand up.

And I know, at this stage, how important it is to make sure my needs come across clearly.

Having five kids is challenging.  Having a child that requires extra attention adds to that.  IF I am having a rough day, I’m not going to approach my friend with no children and tell her I want to slap her because she has not kids!

That doesn’t set the stage for her to offer me what I need the most-an ear to vent.  A shoulder to cry on.

If Roy has been at work all day, and he’s exhausted and stressed out, if he walked in the door and said he wanted to punch me because he was so frustrated, I would assume I did something wrong, not that he had a bad day at work, and my hackles would immediately go up, as opposed to my arms opening up to give him the hug he probably wants.

We all deserve a break, we all deserve some time to kick back and take a breath, but you can’t cry that you never have that chance when you are the one that refuses to hire a babysitter.

I used to complain that we had no friends…might have been because I rarely put myself out there.  I found excuses to not leave the comfort of my own home, and yet having friends I can count on, friends I can turn to…I can’t tell you what a relief it is to simply know they are there!

The idea that someone shouldn’t be allowed to complain about what causes them stress because you think you have it worse, might be an indicator as to why you feel ostracized.

Would you want to be friends with someone that belittled the things in your life that you find challenging?  Would you want to be friends with someone that puts limits on what you can talk about because they have it so much worse and you are obviously an idiot for thinking the way you do?

WE ALL have challenges we face, yours will no doubt be different than mine, but that doesn’t mean I will slap you because you complain about not having any milk and my father has cancer.  (He is in remission! Almost 18 months now!)

What I find challenging, might be very different than what you find challenging.  The battles I face, might never cross your radar, and vice versa.

But the point is, this isn’t a competition.  I’m not saying you need to support me, you don’t know me, but I am asking you not to threaten physical violence because you are having a rough day and I’m not.

Ok…off my soapbox

Yeah, I’ll say it….Family Time.

Lately our family time is watching The Walking Dead.  Just in case you missed my love for the show lately.

It’s tough…with five kids so spread out in ages, it isn’t often we find something we all like.  Either it’s too childish for the older kids, or too gory for the younger kids.

Ok…Dean isn’t really interested in the show, and he often sits with Roy playing the iPad while we all watch, but he’s there.

And yeah, we have to cover Hayden’s eye sometimes…ok, a lot of times especially this last episode.

(I won’t ever look at a hatchback the same way way…if you saw the show you know what I mean!)

Family Time….it’s hard to come by.

Corey works and since he’s in college now he has classes at different times.  Joe is in high school, Addi’s homeschooled, and Hayden is in 3rd grade, but he’s our popular boy..always wanting to hang with friends. 

Dean is only five, so what’s fun for him-going grocery shopping with mommy-is looked at as a chore for the older boys.

Nope…family time isn’t easy to find.

Even on the family vacation we took this summer, it was tough to find something special to do that EVERYONE wanted to do.

Roy and I were dying to go to Stingray City in the Cayman Islands.  We billed it as a once in a lifetime adventure…Joe wasn’t interested, and because it’s expensive we didn’t want to waste money only to have him sit in the boat and mope.

The kids were good sports about dinner-for 6 out of the 7 nights on the boat, they were ready on time and we had nice meals as a family.  We talked about our day, what we did, what they did, what they wanted to do, but there came a time when they started to get antsy and we could tell they were just begging to be released.

So…at this point, I’ll take my family time when I can get it-family meals, and apparently new episodes of The Walking Dead.

This is a group over on Facebook.  I admit to looking at some of the tattoos, but one thing really irks me.

The declarations that “just because I have tattoos, doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids.”

Now, I’m not saying it’s never happened, but has ANYONE with a tattoo ever had their parenting skills questioned because they have a tattoo?  I mean in a overly obvious way?

Has a teacher ever said, “Well, you have a tattoo..so obviously you aren’t a good parent, I should probably call child services?”

Has a day care provider, implied that because you have ink you are probably too ignorant to properly change a diaper?

I mean, where do all these declarations come from?

Ok, Yes, I know they come from the parents, that are posting them…but WHY?  What has ever been said to you that makes you think someone finds you iffy because you have tattoos?

It is isn’t it?  It isn’t easy, it hard.  For EVERYONE.

No matter what your relationship status-married, single, living together-you will be presented with your own unique set of challenges.  Two parents in the home doesn’t mean you will be worry free.  It doesn’t mean there will always be money to do what the kids want to do, to buy them everything their hearts desire.  It doesn’t’ mean that your child/ren will be perfectly behaved.

Just like being a single parent means you are doomed to wander the earth alone.  It doesn’t automatically mean that your children will be left to raise themselves because you are working 12 jobs.  (I know I’m being glib there)

There was a time when the “Mommy Wars” was all about working moms vs SAHM, now it’s about single parents vs I don’t know….two parents, married couples, living together people…who knows.

I know single parents that have very involved exes/partners.  The parents use their heads and realize that just because the relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean the kids should suffer, and they find a way to work together. 

I know kids who live with one parent and rarely if ever see the other parent, but the custodial parent learns to deal with things.  They reach out to family, friends, neighbors if need be.  They cultivate relationships with other parents so that their kids can partake in some of the things kids like to do-dance class, sports, or playdates.

I know parents that want to be martyr’s to their kids and everyone that sees them. They complain that they are alone, no one will help them, but they refuse the help of others or worse refuse to let others even know they might need help.

I know married couples in which both parents work.  If there are older kids, they are sometimes asked to pick up some of the slack, and many of these kids do so willingly.

I know married couples in which one parent stays home. Roy and I fall into this category.  Sometimes we have really good days, other days are hard as hell, and I wonder if giving up my job coaching was the right thing to do.  But we make it work.

And THAT is the key phrase-we make it work.  We aren’t perfect, though some days seem pretty darn perfect to me.  A day at the mall with the boys doing some fun shopping, and then lunch at a new restaurant.  Or a day just being at home-the kids running around with friends, and Roy and I taking a moment to relax together. 

Other days are crazy.  Yesterday, Hayden didn’t want to get up and when I told him he had school he proclaimed (for the first, though I am sure not the last time) that:

“I don’t want to go to school!”

“I know, you’re tired.  Go to bed earlier.” I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the kids in the morning, I admit.

Hayden flopped out of bed, “This is why I hate you!”

This isn’t the first time I have heard this, and over the years this horrific declaration hurts less and less.  I know Hayden doesn’t hate me, so I just did my thing.

Then Corey and I got into a beef.  I hate when the kids have to go to school and we are annoyed with one another.

Then my stand mixer broke.  Though, Roy was able to fix it, so YEAH!

Yesterday was crazy, but you deal with it.  It’s what you do.

The point is-whatever your ‘parenting status’ might be, there are ways to deal with it.  Ways to take the pressure off, if you choose not to explore ANY of those options, that’s on you.  Yes, there will be times when we have to break our kids heart, but that’s also part of parenting, and that isn’t exclusive to single parents or working parents. 

I have bad days as a mom, and I vent to Roy or friends, and while it’s nice for them to sympathize with me for a moment, I don’t expect them to enable me to stay in a funk day after day.  I don’t expect them to constantly agree with me that my life sucks. 

The biggest part of being a parent is simply that BEING a parent.  You find a way to make things work, and if you can’t know it isn’t going to work because you exhausted all options, not because you simply don’t want to try.

I was reading thedaddycomplex (VERY funny, btw) and finally figured something out.

I am the most amazing, awesome, totally rockin’ Mom to teenagers in the entire world!

Yep, I said it… now where’s my tiara?

How did I get this title?  Well, it seems that I have it all figured out!  Sure, I get into it with my kids - I am speaking of my two oldest right now.  They are 17 and 16.  We fuss and argue occasionally.  Once in awhile, they REALLY piss me off.  Sometimes, I totally piss them off, but (and here’s the shocker!) I actually like my teens!  And (OMG, get ready for it…) I think they actually, kinda really like Roy and I.

Bull S**T! you say.  No, really!  They really, really like us.

We must not discipline them, you yell.  Well, no, we don’t discipline them a whole lot.

You KNEW it!  (I know that’s what you’re thinking!) We are lazy, lax parents.  Nope, we just have pretty good kids that understand what is and isn’t acceptable in our house, and they rarely cross that line.

OHH… so they’re scared of you guys?  Why, yes, we really are monsters. 

NO, we aren’t!  I’m being sarcastic.  Ok, yeah, I have a temper, and if you piss me off, it can get ugly, but I think (wait for it… wait for it…) our kids respect us.  They know we have their backs.  They know we trust them, but they also know we’ll call them on their crap, and since I used to be full of crap as a teen, they also know that we know all the tricks out there.

So, if you are the parent of a newborn, baby, toddler, kid or tween, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to “ruin” your teen’s life to parent them right. 

I will be offering my new Parenting a Teen classes on Tumblr in the future.  Stay tuned. ;-)

I try my best NOT to do this, I really do.

BUT, if I have given you unsolicited advice let me apologize.  I’m not trying to come off as a know it all.  I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not trying to be a bitch.

Let me explain.

After five kids, there is a part of Roy and I that feels like we’ve seen it all, ok maybe not all, but a LOT.  A whole lot.  When I hear a first time parent complaining about something, it’s hard not chime in and say what worked for us.  On the other hand, I can see where it might come off as me calling you an idiot for not thinking of it yourself, but know that isn’t the case.

Even though our youngest is five, I remember those sleepless nights very well.  I remember the frustration, and Roy commenting that Dean is our fifth, shouldn’t I have this down by now?

(Yes, I want to punch him in the throat for that one.)

IF I can give you some tips and suggestions, it’s only because I want to spare you the fear that I had.  It isn’t because I think you are less than capable.

When I hear someone commenting on their kids going to high school, we have one that finished that up, and another about to finish up.  We’ve dealt with a lot of these issues.  It isn’t because I think you can’t figure it out.

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for almost 14…not forever, but we certainly aren’t newlyweds.  If you’re complaining about something, that we’ve been through, I just want to share that you CAN and will get through it, I’m not trying to tell you how to deal with your marriage.

Advice is tricky.  Unless someone comes out and says:

“I really need your advice.”

It’s hard to know when it’s welcome and when it isn’t wanted.

BUT, I’m asking you…if you ever get advice, give the advice giver the benefit of the doubt, I promise 9 times out of ten they aren’t sharing because they think you are incapable.

Ok…maybe it’s more like 7 out of ten times….

Actually, maybe 6 out of ten is more reasonable.