But being engulfed in silence.

Don’t get me wrong… my house is loud, crazy, chaotic, and frankly, I love it. BUT, there are times when I want to talk, and the noise seems to stop. Time stands still.

My husband is a quiet man for the most part. He is vocal in expressing his love for me, and for our family. He laughs readily and has no problem joking around with the boys, BUT he isn’t perfect… no one is. And Heaven forbid if I call him on that! As soon as I express my displeasure or annoyance, my anger at something, he shuts down. The arms cross, and this wall seems to go up right before my eyes. It is a wall that after almost 12 years I still don’t know how to break through. I admit that when I get angry, I can hold a grudge… BOY, can I hold a grudge! But the problem is the same issues have plagued us for years… and there are times when I just want to put some closure to them. I want a solution to the problems and issues that arise in our relationship. I hate that I get mad, I tell him, he shuts down, and I get worn out. Because the next time something happens, I remember that the last time this happened NOTHING GOT SOLVED!

My boys are very similar to my husband - though they have a tendency to get upset at times. But to be totally honest, they are all momma’s boys, and not necessarily through any choice of their own. I spoil them. I indulge them. And as a result when mom isn’t happy, it crushes them. Especially Joe. He is such a good kid, so sweet and thoughtful, and when he disappoints me, it just crushes him. As a result, he is equally hard on himself. Knowing this, I hate sharing or expressing my disappointment, but there are times when it is just necessary, and what can you do?!

My oldest, Corey, is very much like me… bad temper. So when I get mad at him, it goes one of two ways… either we argue, or he shuts down (yep, just like his dad) and stands there looking like a powder keg waiting to explode. On the rare occasions that Corey is ashamed at something he has done, he looks at me with these big blue eyes, and I am reminded of the little boy he once was. The tears start to swim in his eyes, and my heart melts.

Hayden and Addi are the same way. Dean is too little. Of course, anytime he is hurt or upset, he has six people running to see if he is okay.

As previously noted, on a day to day basis, my house is loud. It is crazy and chaotic… but I do love it. Once in awhile, I am actually home alone and the silence is deafening. I barely know what to do with myself. Don’t get me wrong… I can work on my cross stitch, my writing, or (heaven forbid) clean the house… but I would much rather hear the boys laughing with one another or hear the explosions of one of their video games. My body is used to the chaos. I can tune it out if need be, but for the most part, I soak it up… I simply love it.

But every once in awhile, momma gets mad. And when momma gets mad, things shut down. The older boys recognize the signs and are quick to remove themselves from the situation, Hayden is still young and usually responds by telling me he loves me, and I should “please not be mad.” Sometimes that is all it takes. I look down and see those big eyes staring at me with such love and trust that I simply can’t stay mad. But other times I have to take a deep breath and tell him to go upstairs, and it is then that he gets it. Mommy is mad. I better leave.

Since the end of May 2008 my husband and I have been dealing with a situation (more on that later). It isn’t an easy or simple one. In fact, it has caused a lot of problems. My husband and I have had some ugly, ugly fights. More than once I have questioned whether or not our marriage would make it. The older boys understood the situation a bit better. They understood my anger, my husband’s anger, our frustration, but Hayden heard the yelling. It scared him. And when the dust finally started to settle, and I looked into my little boys eyes, it pained me to see what I saw there. I saw a fear that his mommy and daddy were mad at each other, a fear that this entire world would change, and that he had no control over it. So to compensate for that, he clings. My anger was the loudest, and I think, in his mind, I was the one that would destroy everything he finds comfort in, so he clings to me. He has taken to repeating himself constantly as if seeking reassurance from me that I will do what he wants me to do. When I get up in the early morning, he is the first one down, even if he lays down on the sofa and simply falls asleep holding my hand. He needs that reassurance that I am there. That mommy won’t leave.

It is those moments, before the sun has risen, and it is still dark outside, and I am laying on the sofa holding my little boy to me, that I realize sometimes the quiet, the calm, is what speaks the loudest. It is in the quiet that you can take a step back and see what you have, what your anger might destroy, and you make your choice… to forgive or to stay angry. And if you listen carefully, you will always find your answer in the silence.

I feel like a slug.  The past few weekends I have not done a lot of cooking.  Instead I took the easy way out and we did take out.  But more on that later.

Originally, my plan here was to have one of the boys cook each Friday.  But with school starting my plans often get messed up as I try to get everyone back on schedule, sign more syllabuses than I can count, and get used to getting up at the crack of dawn to make sandwiches.  So this whole week was a bit… off, if you will.

Even though school didn’t start until Wednesday, we couldn’t do our traditional back to school cookout the night before because Roy and Hayden had football practice!  So, we did it on Monday instead.  Roy did burgers on the grill, and we had a little accident (which is unusual for him!). We lost a burger!  Right through the grates into the hot coals!  We did try to save it with a rinse, but sadly none of the kids were interested in a soggy hamburger.  Kids… so picky!

On Wednesday, I did a Texas Chili in the crockpot.  Chili is big in our house, and normally we make it the traditional way.  2.5 pounds of ground beef, some tomatoes, beans, some seasonings, a little of this, a little of that… and in the crockpot it goes, but this time I decided to try something different-using cubed sirloin beef.  The recipe was simple-basically brown the beef in a pot after tossing it with a bit of brown sugar and salt… then throw everything in the crockpot.  This recipe actually called for 1 1/2 cups of chili powder!  I actually doubled this recipe to feed my crew, so the recipe is written for four using 3/4 cups.  This was from September’s issue of Food Network Magazine.  It was tasty, but it won’t replace my go to recipe anytime soon.

I think this is actually one question I get asked a lot-what’s dinnertime like at your house?  If everyone is home, I won’t lie… recipes need to be doubled, sometimes tripled to feed everyone, and no, I am not talking about huge portions either.  Roy and the boys are growing active boys-though I don’t think Roy is growing anymore, he is active- and they like to eat.  Though I try to use healthy ingredients and serve a vegetable at each dinner.  But over the years, I have learned to cut costs, stock up on meat at Costco, use coupons, and try to shop in season, but food is still our biggest expense.

Ok. I’ll save the tips and venting for later.  This was supposed to be about Dinner with the Crew.  Tonight I am making Roy’s favorite dish-we call it the Chicken Ring, which is actually a recipe from “The Pampered Chef” that I changed up a bit.  Basically, it is chicken salad (with some dried cranberries and walnuts) wrapped in crescent rolls that have been laid out in the shape of a wreath.  I serve it with corn and mashed potatoes, though tonight Roy wants homemade mashed potatoes, and since he offered to make them, who am I to argue!

Tomorrow, Corey is making a chicken stir fry, but more on that next Friday.

After we had Hayden, I thought that was it. I put off doing anything permanent, because at 30 I didn’t want to completely take away the option to have children yet. When Hayden turned 2, I would broach the subject of another baby with Roy jokingly. And he always said the same thing: “We have a baby.”

One day, probably a dreary Sunday, I was curled up on the couch watching some silly movie with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo called “Yours, Mine and Ours.” The premise is simple- a widower with 8 kids and a widow with 10 decide to get married at their 20th (year HS) reunion, putting their two families together and creating havoc. The kids don’t like the idea, but come to realize the advantages of working together, and they live happily ever after.

“See, they have 18 kids! We can certainly have 5.” I told Roy.

“Ok.”

This stopped me in my tracks. Was he kidding? Did he think I was kidding?

“I’m not kidding. I would like to have another baby.”

“I said ‘ok’.”

And so it began. The next day I called my OB and went in for a checkup. We got the green light, and I thought it would be a snap. I got pregnant with Hayden in just a few weeks, but who knows what the deal was this time? Perhaps it was because I was older, 34. Maybe I just wanted it too much, but either way, it took almost a year. I understand that to some, especially those that struggle with fertility issues, a year is nothing, but for me it seemed to take forever. I never had issues getting pregnant before.  Of course I had never been in my mid-30’s before either.

I took pregnancy tests a few times during that year. Each time, hoping and praying with everything I had that I would see those lines, and each time I was disappointed. The first few times was no big deal to me. The fourth time I held back the tears, and the fifth I cried and cried. Roy was out of town, and Corey was the one to give me a hug. As a mother, I will never forget that moment. I decided to give up and told Roy that I just couldn’t do it anymore. We had a lot to be thankful for - the kids were all healthy and happy, we were healthy and happy, perhaps another baby just wasn’t meant to be. I don’t think Roy wanted to push me, and I couldn’t decide if I appreciated that or it made me angry. I thought if he wanted another baby as much as I did, he wouldn’t’ let me give up, but looking back, I know he simply didn’t want to push me.

After I made the decision, I felt a weight lift. But for some reason I put off calling my doctor to get birth control. One month turned into two and before I knew it, I was late. Addi came home one day and announced he needed construction paper and markers, so I took him to Target. While we were there, he found a two pack of EPT (pregnancy tests) on sale and convinced me to buy it. I did the math, realized I was about two weeks late, and thought… why not?

I got home and snuck up to our bedroom. If I wasn’t pregnant, Roy never had to know I took yet another test, but Addi beat me too it.

“I know what you’re doing in there.” I heard him knocking at the door.

“What?” I feigned innocence.

“Addi already told me… well?” He looked at me with a question in his eyes as I opened the door.

“Honey, it takes a few minutes.” I answered and sat on our bed to wait. Something told me that this time would be different. After a few minutes passed, Roy looked at me. I shook my head, and he walked into the bathroom to look. I saw him open the box and read the directions, and I figured he was checking to make sure what the negative reading was. My heart sank. He walked out of the bathroom, and I couldn’t read his face.

“Congratulations!” And he gave me a kiss. I was pregnant!

The first few months of the pregnancy were easy. Not much morning sickness, though a lot of afternoon and night sickness! But around four months I got a weird rash… and not just on my stomach, everywhere! And, boy, did it itch! Ok, whatever, but the worst part… no one could tell me what it was! I went to my OB, and they prescribed a steroid cream… nothing. I was going through a bottle of calamine lotion every other day. I tried to get an appointment with a dermatologist and had no luck. Because I was pregnant, our insurance let me extend the coverage area. Still no luck. So they let me extend it again. I finally got a wonderful young lady at an office about 75 minutes away. At this point I was in tears; she put me on hold for a minute and asked if I could come in that day. Wouldn’t you know it… Roy was in the office. I said the earliest I could come in was tomorrow, and she said no problem. Even let me pick a time that was good for me. I am still grateful to that young lady and am annoyed as all get out at the local offices for failing to take pity on a pregnant woman in pain. The rash turned out to be pregnancy-related, but the cream my OB prescribed wasn’t strong enough. I was so thankful and finally got some relief from the itching and burning. The rest of the pregnancy was somewhat normal, for a woman my age I am told. I didn’t’ gain a lot of weight until I hit my seventh month, and even then I did a much better job of keeping my weight gain under control than I did with the two oldest boys. But I was always tired. I couldn’t sleep, and I was sick often.

On December 28th, our anniversary, I thought I was in labor, but nope, false alarm and they sent me home. The next few days I felt fine, even energized enough to run to Costco on January 4th. While there, Addi found a Rock Band set for the PS3. I thought, why not… and to all the boy’s joy, we decided to buy it. We got home, and I found that I was actually decent on the drums, so we had a blast playing it for hours, and finally I went to bed around 11. And here is the crazy part…

Around 4, I woke up, but I didn’t want to get out of bed. It was chilly, and I was so warm and sleepy, and then I thought, “NO way! Did I just pee the bed?” Graphic, I know, but my water had never broken on its own, so I didn’t suspect anything. Thinking I better get up, and Roy is not going to be happy, I stood up… and BAM! Water everywhere! I ran into the restroom and called Roy.

“Roy!”

I heard him grunt from the bed.

“My water just broke.”

“What? Are you serious?” He got out of bed and came over to me in the bathroom.

“Yes, I need some clothes.”

He laughed and went to get me some clothes to wear, “I just fell asleep.”

“Why were you up so late?” I asked him.

“I was watching a movie. Can’t you wait?” He half-jokingly asked. I gave him a look, and he went to tell Corey that it was time. He called our neighbor, and she came over to watch the boys for us, and we went off to the hospital… again! We live in a rather quiet town, but for some reason that day was crazy in Labor and Delivery. I came in, and figured… no problem! This is my fifth, I’ll be in and out. Boy was I wrong! A young lady came in pregnant with her first and delivered in 30 minutes - as did the other five women that came in AFTER me! But for some reason, Dean was just fine where he was. Finally, I got to 5 centimeters, after about 9 hours, and they said if I wanted an epidural, now was the time. I figured at least Roy and I could get some rest, so I opted for one, and then fell asleep shortly after. I woke up a few hours later, and was ready to go! Finally! It’s never quite as you remember it, the pain and the pushing. But in the end, it’s all worth it.

They laid Dean in my arms at 4:51pm on January 5th. He was so tiny, but I think he had more hair than Hayden! He opened his little eyes and looked right at me. Like Hayden, Dean took to nursing with no trouble. In fact, there was a point when he was a few weeks old where I was afraid I wasn’t producing enough milk! But he thrived right from the get go. We took him home the next day, and right from the start, he fit right into our little family. His older brothers adored him, and though their age difference is pretty big-14 years, the benefits to having older kids with a baby are amazing! Corey and Joe helped with the younger boys, they would burp Dean for me so I could cook dinner. If Dean woke up in the morning, one of the older boys would bring him down to me while I was putting lunch boxes together. They didn’t change diapers often, but then again, Roy tried to get out of it too!

Our family was complete, finally I felt it. It felt right. Dean is just like his older brothers-Corey’s sassy mouth, Joe’s thoughtfulness, Addi’s crazy spirit, and Hayden’s sweetness. They fight and fuss with one another, but they always have each other’s back, and that is just how I want it. Dean is at the age now where he picks up new words on a daily basis. We all understand him, though people outside our family still have trouble sometimes. The older boys love teaching him new words and rough housing with him. I don’t always like it, but Dean gets right in the middle of it. He snarls now, and the older boys joke that he is a vampire. See, just like his older brothers, already digging the monsters! But truthfully, it is Iron Man that really does it for Dean. Those that read our site know this. He is obsessed with him, and I think we have spent hundreds of dollars in the last few months feeding that obsession, but Dean’s my last baby, so I get to spoil him. I can’t have any more kids and occasionally that makes me sad, but then I see my boys and all is right again.

I thought that I would do this every Friday.  Cooking for a large family is fun, if not challenging, messy and expensive at times!  Sometimes, things are a big, old failure, and other times I really hit it out of the ball park.  Some days, I am just too lazy to do much, so we have ‘free for all days!’ And that is just as it sounds, whatever you can find is yours!  And once in awhile, we just pile everyone in the car, and head out to find something to eat.

Yesterday, Friday, we had errands to run, so we made plans to take Corey, Addi, Hayden and Dean to Pei Wei Asian Diner.  Roy has taken me there a few times, and I just love it!  It’s good, fresh tasting, reasonably priced Asian fast food.  It isn’t like your standard Chinese buffet (though we have one of those we really like as well!)-this is food made to order.  Generous portions, and good prices make this a new family favorite!  Roy got the same thing he always gets-Honey Seared Chicken.  I went for something new-Mongolian Beef (Really tasty!  The sauce had the right amount of sweetness, and there was a lot of beef!).  Corey was a bit adventurous and got the Japanese Chile Ramen (a little spicy, but he wolfed the entire bowl down!) and for the little guys we got the kid’s honey seared chicken, and Addi got the Chicken Lo Mein.  Along with drinks and a side of Edamame, we spent less than $45 dollars!  The food was filling, had generous amounts of veggies, and we got our choice of white or brown rice.  I highly recommend this place if you have one near you.

After lunch, we ran to Costco and don’t even get me started on how much we spend in that place!  We didn’t even get any electronics… just food!  (ok, I did get two magazines and some books for the younger boys) I won’t say how much we dropped, but let’s just say my car payment for the Prius is less….

Well, we picked up Joe, and the kids were getting hungry… again!  I won’t lie.  After running errands all day (finding Crocs for Dean was tough!), I didn’t feel like cooking.  I didn’t even feel like heating anything up… so we headed to Qdoba.  I love their Guacamole!  I got my usual Poblano Pesto Naked Burrito, with a side of Guac and chips.  Addi and Joe actually shared one of their new Nacho platters, and let me tell you… PLENTIFUL!  Even for the both of them!  Corey and Roy got the Signature Queso burritos, though Roy’s had chicken and Corey’s had beef.  Hayden had a taco kid’s meal and Dean had the chicken nachos kid’s meals.  Both the kid’s meals were very nice size portions, and I always leave their full.  We have their loyalty card, and that saved us about $7, or a free burrito!  We didn’t leave hungry and for a family of seven we spent less than $40… works for me!

I will be the first to admit that I am trying to save money these days, but once in awhile, I just don’t feel like cooking, so the kids get a treat.  Both of the places we visited yesterday are family friendly and very reasonable. 

Seven Thumbs Up!

When Roy and I met I was going through a rough time.  My first husband and I had decided to divorce.  And he had temporary custody of our two oldest while I got my life together.  My parents were pretty supportive and let me come home.  They encouraged me while I got on my feet and helped me look for a job.  After about a week, I got a call.  I was offered the position of Assistant Manager at Books-A-Million in Potomac Mills Mall.  I LOVE books, I love to read, so this was right up my alley.   After I had been there about a month, this guy walks in and asks if my boss was around.  I didn’t pay much attention, though I remember thinking…. “Hey, he’s cute!”

A week or so later, I walk in to work and see this tall guy standing on our ladder.  He was hanging signs from the ceiling.  I admit to thinking that he might be fun to flirt with.  I went back into the office and put my stuff up, got myself together, and go out to see what needs to be done.  His name was Roy, and it was my job that day to show him around the store.  So, we hit all the different sections and as I am showing him the computer books, he drops the line that reels me in.

“You smell really good.  What kind of perfume do you wear?”

I laughed and told him, and we talked and flirted for the next few weeks.  It wasn’t until years later that I realized how cool that was.  Sure it was a cheesy line, but he said it with such confidence, as if he knew it was cheesy, but just didn’t care.  It was that same confidence that would later give me the strength to do so much of what we have done in the past decade together. Maybe it’s silly, but I draw on his confidence.  His strength gives me strength, and I hope he feels the same way.

But anyways, a few weeks into his job, he had to travel down to Florida to help his grandmother with some things.  I missed him.  We had never gone out, had never done more than talk and flirt at work, but I missed him.  He made work bearable for me in those days.  So when I saw him walking into the store two days later, I was thrilled.

“You’re supposed to be working.” I said to him, while looking down at his jeans.  Yep, no jeans in the bookstore.

“Umm…nope.  I told Debbie I wouldn’t be back until today, I just came in to get my schedule.”  And he ran into the back to get what he needed.

I shrugged, what could I do right?  I checked, and he was right, there was a notation on his application.  We weren’t busy, so no big deal.  He came out a few minutes later and told me he would see me tomorrow.

“You don’t even know if we have the same shift.” I shot at him.

“Yeah, we do.  I checked.”  He winked at me and walked into the crowd of Saturday shoppers.

Our first date was lowkey, but special. Partly because we are now married, and I look back on our courting days as a magical time in my life, but also because Roy just didn’t try too hard.  He didn’t seem to feel any need to impress me, and in the end that was the thing that impressed me the most.

Over the next few months, we grew closer.  He called me up one day.  I was off, he was working and asked me to come have lunch with him.  I had just talked to my boys on the phone and was in a bad way.  I didn’t want him to see me cry, I thought it might scare him off, that maybe it was too soon.  But he held my hand over the sticky food court table, and when I was done, he said that he would drive me down to South Carolina to pick the boys up.  And he did.  When it was time for them to go home, he took them to the airport with me, and held me for what seemed like hours as I cried.

And now twelve years later, one day sticks out in my mind. When we were dating, we tried to make sure we had the same days off at the bookstore, and on one of those days, he took the boys and I to DC.  We went to the Natural History Museum, and he oohed and aahed with the boys over the dinosaurs.  Once the kids started to complain about being hungry, he decided to take us to Planet Hollywood. We walked outside, he and Corey were in front of Joey and I.  It was crowded, people rushing to and from work and all about, so Roy took Corey’s hand.  To be honest, even today people think Roy is Corey’s biological father (Of course, he is Corey’s father by all definitions of the title, but not his biological father).  They have the same dirty blond hair, both have blue eyes and lighter coloring, so seeing this just warmed my heart.  Joey and I caught up, and I heard Corey ask Roy.

“Do you like my mom?”

“I do like your mom.  I like her very much.”

“Yeah, she likes you too.  Do you love her?”

“Yes, I love your mom.  Is that ok?”

Corey nodded and smiled, “Sure.  I like you too.  I think Joey does too.  So, like when are you going to ask her to marry you?”

I started to laugh but covered my mouth.  I wanted to hear this one.

“Well, I think that someday I will ask her, but it has to be the right time.  Ok?”

“Yeah, ok.  Whatever.  Are we there yet?  I’m really hungry.”

And the rest is, as they say, history!  We were engaged about seven months later, and married the following December.  It hasn’t always been easy, but I will say that after over a decade of being with Roy, I still get that same giddy feeling I got that first day when I saw him on the ladder in the bookstore.  We have a rather traditional marriage.  He works and I stay home with the boys, though I have coached swimming on and off for most of our marriage.  We added three more boys to the mix, hence the name of this story I am so doggedly working on… My house is full of testosterone! The Tales from Testosterone Alley!

We have fought, and some of our fights have been pretty ugly, but I can honestly say, never once have I questioned whether or not I made the right decision by marrying Roy.  There have been one or two occasions, where I didn’t know if our marriage would go the distance, but it wasn’t from lack of desire to see it do so.  On the other hand who hasn’t thought that at some point in their relationship?  I mean assuming you have been with someone for longer than two weeks, that is.  I suppose one of the strangest things about our marriage is Roy’s career.  He works from home much of the time, which means he is with me more oft than not, and you know what… I love it!  I actually miss my husband when he has to go into work in the city.  When he travels for work, I miss him terribly and admit that I have trouble sleeping at night without him next me.  I eagerly await his return, and it’s all I can do not to jump in front of the kids and the dogs when he walks in the door.

I know what your thinking… seriously?  Could she be any cheesier?  But let me say that the only reason I admit all of this so readily is because I didn’t think I would ever be in this position.  I honestly thought people that gushed about their relationships like this were full of crap, that something was fundamentally wrong with them.  I mean seriously, who stays head over heels in love with their spouse after 12 years and five kids?

Well… now you know… I do!

Ok, going to try something new here.  I will still post questions of the day once school starts back up, and I would love for any/everyone reading this to join in on the fun, but for about 18 months now I have been working on a book of sorts.  It isn’t a novel, but it isn’t a parenting handbook either.  It’s about all the stuff you go through raising a big family-some of it funny, some of it heart warming, occasionally heartbreaking, but always together.  I have maybe 100 pages (of a trade paperback, R figured it out for me) done, but in looking over it I think what would be most cathartic would be to post it here.  I am not sure if there will be a lot of rhyme or reason to it, though I do want to explain myself a bit first and introduce the ‘major’ players (no more R, C, J, A, H, and D references), as they were.  So…here goes….

I have five boys…yep you read that right…five!  My oldest, Corey is 16 and starting his Junior year in high school in just a few weeks.  He is an awesome kid!  Yes, I know, I know… I am biased-I am his mother after all.  He is like me in so many ways.  Hard headed, sometimes belligerent (ok, that isn’t the awesome part), but loving, loyal and true to himself.  Joe will be 15 in January and is starting his high school career this year.  He is shy sometimes, but has a heart bigger than the sun.  He takes pride in his work, and treats others, no matter who they might be, with respect and kindness.  Roy Addison (Addi) is our wild man!  He is eleven and about to start middle school.  (I still can’t believe that!)  He is so sweet, so smart, and just so full of life!  He adores his younger brothers and wants nothing more than to impress his older ones.  Hayden is six, and this year he is tackling first grade as the only boy of the house in elementary school.  It’s going to be an exciting year for Hayden, and I know he will meet it the way he tackles everything-with a barreling enthusiasm.  And then there is our baby…Dean.  Dean is two and a half-the baby of the family.  He is a daring, beautiful little boy-my last baby.  Each of my boys are perfect in their own way (at least in my eyes), each has their own mind, their own personality and each has made their own mark in our family structure.  Each of them will carry a piece of my heart with them…no matter where they go, no matter how far they travel-they own that piece of my heart.

And then there is my husband, Roy.  He is quite simply the most amazing man I know, and have ever had the privilege of sleeping with.  (He would love that little snide, sexual remark)  There is nowhere I would rather be than sitting at my kitchen table and watching my six guys play video games on the TV, though don’t tell them that, they interrupt my TV viewing enough as it is.

Raising kids today isn’t easy, and no I am not just talking about the economy.  We live in fear of our children becoming victims of school violence, being swept up with a bad crowd, being the victim of a bully, or perhaps a bully themselves.  Sometimes, it’s a more benign fear, that the girl or boy that has their heart won’t treat it with the care it deserves, or maybe they will be teased because the shoes YOU bought them are SOOO last year.  Either way, you have to find a happy medium.  Your kids need to know that you have their back, that IF they need you, they know exactly where to find you, but at the same time hover too much and you run the risk of being labeled over protective.  IF in fact you are over protective, you run the risk of your kids not being able to stand on their own two feet.  It is one thing for them to know they can count on you, but quite another for them NOT to know they can count on themselves.

I don’t claim to know everything about raising kids- in the 16+ years I have been a mother, I have made more than my share of mistakes, I have been thrown for many a loop, and I have shed and caused my share of tears.  What I do know is that humor can work, if you know when you use it.  Being your kids friend, will not work if that’s all you are, but your kids should know they can talk to you…about anything. But I think the most important thing I have learned is we need to believe in our kids. We can’t be with them 24/7, so there has to come a time when you look at your child and have to trust that you did your best.  You have to believe that you taught them right from wrong, and that the lessons you shared with them will stick.  You have to trust that you taught them to do the right thing, even if their friends don’t agree. And you have to let them fly! They need to know that you trust them to spread their wings, but to always come home before curfew.

Raising kids isn’t easy, but it can be done…I promise you.

Ok, I admit it… I watch silly reality shows on Bravo.  IF you know anything about Bravo you know what I am talking about…The Real Housewives of someplace, top Chef (Ok, not silly, but some of the chefs sure as hell are) and Bethenny Getting Married?  Even if you don’t watch the shows, if you go to the grocery store you probably know that Bethenny Frankel (did I spell that right?  Am I too lazy to do a search and find out…right now I am yes) got married and had a baby.  On the show, her husband wondered if you will ever love your subsequent children as much as you love your first, and as the mother of five children that got me thinking.

My answer…of course!  Because you love them for who they are, and no two children are alike.  Sure, they might share the same mop of hair that grows too fast, and falls in their eyes.  And yes they might all drive you nuts at times, but they are all different.  My youngest D is only 2, but already he is strong willed!  He knows what he likes, he knows where it is, and he knows when he wants it, but he is still at the age where he likes to cuddle, and what a cuddle bunny he is! H is 6 and while he was fine when D was an infant, now that D is a bit older and doesn’t need me 24/7 the jealousy is coming out-he is territorial.  I am his mommy and there are times he doesn’t want to share.  A is 11, and last night we decided he would be my evil minion (long story short…we decided that I was a super villian-rather than a super hero-my power making others do what I want because I am so overbearing) my little sidekick, and let me tell you…A is a pro!  He can be sneaky and devious-as a mom in my mind this means he knows what he wants and will do whatever he has to do (hopefully all within legal bounds) to get it. J is almost 15 and he is my most serious boy.  He likes facts and figures.  He wants proof that something exists.  And then there is our oldest-C is 16 and is just like me.  He can have an attitude, he can be snippy and we butt heads-but he is passionate about those he loves, and when he loves he loves with his whole heart.

My boys-they are all different, but they are all pieces of my heart. They all make me smile, at times they make me laugh.  I have shed tears for all of them, and with all of them.  But they all hold a place in my heart, when they leave they will all take a piece of my heart, and as a mom you get to a place where you are ok with that.  You are ok with understanding that there will come a time, when you won’t be the main focus of your child’s life.  You HOPE they will find someone to love, have children of their own, and that you can be there for them when they realize what it is to love a child and just how enormous a gift it really is to feel that.

And then, (if you have this in your life) you will remember that you have a spouse/SO there to share these highs and lows.  You have someone to crawl into bed with you, someone to wrap you in warmth and share the wins and commiserate the losses with.  And you realize that you will never be truly alone, your children will grow up and (hopefully?!) leave, but you will have someone there to wipe your tears and drive the RV for you as you spend your children’s inheritance.