Roy often tells me that I don’t laugh enough, that I take things too seriously. Sometimes I overreact (ok, I often overreact) and ask questions after my anger has dissipated, and sometimes that gets me into trouble. On the other hand, I’m here to say that LIFE IS SERIOUS!
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy it. 75% of the time I love the life I lead, and the other 25% I am just worried about the things that pop up in the normal course of being a wife, a mother, and a woman. Sometimes I stress about things, sometimes I obsess over them, and I decided a few months ago to make a conscious choice NOT to do that.
In March of 2010, about a week before my 36 birthday, I had horrible chest pains. Pain so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. Corey drove me to the ER and stayed by my side. I could see the concern on his face, but he was quite the young man and was simply present until his dad could get there and take over. Roy was busy getting the little boys into bed, asking Joey to keep an ear out for them, picking Corey up, taking him home, and coming back to be with me They did at least two EKG’s, I was the subject of a rather involved and sweaty stress test, and in the end I was told… “to get a dog, and take up a relaxing hobby.” (the Doc suggested needlework, knitting, that kind of thing.) I was putting too much stress on my body, and I had done so for too long, but to be honest I was actually in pretty good health all-in-all. As I lay in the bed, craning my neck to see the tiny TV in my room, I decided to let things go. I wasn’t going to lie to Roy or even to myself and say I wouldn’t let things get to me - a zebra can’t change his stripes after all! BUT, when something made me mad, I was going to have my say, and then let it go. I was going to do my best to work out problems, but I was going to remind myself that I can’t control everything in life (even though I want too!).
And I was going to find a more relaxing hobby. Truth is, I LOVE to cross stitch. I love seeing the tiny X’s come to life in my linen. I love seeing a beautiful flower spring up where there was once just blank fabric, but when I was pregnant with Dean I developed carpel tunnel syndrome in my hands, and couldn’t hold the fabric for very long. And now with Dean home and running around… well, life intrudes. So, as an alternative, I try to use this forum to air out my grievances, in a rather generalized manner. Writing about my anger, my issues, etcm helps me see them for what they are. Most are just minor headaches that are a part of living. Some problems are more than just minor inconveniences, but writing them down allows me to break them down into manageable minor issues. Sometimes, if I am mad at Roy (or even someone else), I write him an email. This allows me to have my say, and it allows him to read it at his leisure, and digest what I am saying rather than us getting into a yelling match. In our house, screaming matches end one of two ways - we fuss and then one of us says something silly (sometimes intentional, sometimes not) OR we yell and things get so nasty that we both check out. But either way, the issue at hand often doesn’t get solved. It gets swept under the rug, only to be revisited at another date… something neither one of us enjoys. But by writing things down, I give Roy the option to either ignore my anger, or to address it in its entirety. And when my email revolves around someone else, it just gives me a means to vent and fuss all I want - with only Roy to judge.
So, what was the point of this post? OH YEAH… lowering my stress level! Like I said, I try to make time every day to read something for fun, when I cook for the family I try to do it in a way that I enjoy the process, and I am going to try to start cross stitching again - BUT my big outlet is writing. Whether I do it here or in a more private forum (the emails to Roy), writing gives me an outlet. It gives me a chance to jump on my soapbox once in awhile, but most importantly, it gives me a chance to say what’s in my heart and to get that pressure off said heart.
I just thank everyone that listens.
