Well, today was a rough day.  We visited a wonderful preschool. Well, let me clarify, it seems wonderful, and I have heard great things about it, and Dean seemed to love it.  Roy and I went in for a tour, and Dean was able to spend about an hour in the classroom. 

He seemed to fit right in!  We got there at snack time, which, of course, Dean loved.  So he munched on chocolate dipped pretzels, organic applesauce, and a Capri-Sun.  We left him to go view the rest of the school, and when we came back, he was happily singing songs during ‘circle time.’

The teacher has a wealth of experience and seemed to love her job.  The class seemed organized without being overly regimented.  The kids all seemed happy, and they welcomed Dean right into their group.

There were paintings hanging up, the kids made noodle necklaces to wear to their annual Thanksgiving feast, and everywhere we looked, bright and cheerfulness ruled.

So what’s the problem?  Well, it’s me!

Dean’s my baby.  The last baby we will ever have, and when I saw him having fun and making friends, it made me think that perhaps I should have sent him to preschool this year rather than waiting.

I wonder if I’m doing him a disservice wanting him to be home with me for one more year.  But he is well adjusted, he makes friends easily, and he is happy.

We didn’t have the best experience with Hayden’s preschool - he just didn’t learn a whole lot.  Two years and thousands of dollars for what?  Well, really expensive play dates.  And though Hayden is doing well in Second Grade, he did have to play some catch up, and that did cause a few issues with his self esteem and his enjoyment of the first few years of ‘real school.’

So, I want to make sure that Dean’s experience in preschool gives him a better start, a leg up if you will.  But I admit, the idea of sending my little boy to school five days a week - even if it is for just a few hours a day - makes me sad.

I’m a Stay At Home Mom.  It’s what I do.  I hesitate to say it’s who I am, because it isn’t ALL I am, but I love what I do.  I love being here when the boys leave for school. I love being here when Dean walks down the stairs.  His soft brown hair sticking up at odd angles, and he crawls into my lap.

“Mama, can I have something to eat?” He looks at me and gently strokes my cheek.

“Sure,” I always answer him, “What would you like today?”

He puts his little finger near his mouth and ponders my question seriously, “Umm… choc milk, waffles, and yogurt.”

I love being the one to get that for him.  I like watching his silly show, Ben 10, with him.  And playing with his action figures.

He will occasionally help me with the dogs, maybe help me put up laundry, and we eat lunch together almost every day.

And when he goes to school, when the last of my little boys leaves, what fills my day?  There is only so much laundry to do, only so many dishes to wash.  What becomes of this Stay At Home Mom, when there is no one at home left to mother?

Well, during the hours of 7am-3pm, there will be no one to mother.

Early Empty Nest Syndrome… Yes, this is a syndrome. Well… No, I don’t think it is. I just invented it, because I think I am suffering from it.

WHAT? You might ask yourself.  How in the world can this woman possibly be suffering from this when she has five children still at home - five boys no less.  Well, I’ll tell ya…

I’m reading a book called No Biking in the House Without a Helmet by Melissa Fay Greene.  Greene is the mother of nine - four biological children and five by adoption.  I am only on page 70, and I already feel a connection to her words.  I have five boys, but they are growing up so fast, and the idea of a quiet house makes me surprisingly sad.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days when the noise drives me absolutely nuts!  I mean I’m about to tear my hair out crazy.  I would rather have a pap smear crazy. But then the older boys are in school, and Dean is asleep and the silence fills me with sadness.  Corey is just starting his senior year (actually the kids were supposed to start school today, but the Earthquake yesterday put a stop to that idea!), and I still have Dean home with me. But last year flew by amazingly fast, and before I know it, I’ll be putting Dean on that bus and waving goodbye.  I’ll see his tiny face peering out the window at me, and his little hands waving.  I’ll try desperately to only let him see me smile, but as soon as the bus rounds the corner, Roy will put his arm around me and say the same thing he has said to me four other times:

“They’ll have a great time, Honey. It’s fine.”

And they usually do.  The boys have all been doing wonderfully in school - making new friends, soaking up knowledge, and getting ready to be on their own.  And as a mother, that’s exactly what I want, but sometimes I wonder… where does that leave me?

If I pose this question to Roy, I think he becomes slightly offended.  Don’t I want time alone with him?  Does the idea of it being just the two of us not appeal to me?  And of course it does!  I adore my husband.  I truly do, but I love being a mom.  I love my boys.

I look at each of the boys (even Corey and Joe, though they are not biologically Roy’s) and see them as a walking, talking expression of our love.  Corny?  Sure.  True?  Without a doubt.  Roy and I have a happy, strong marriage, and we have been blessed with three boys of our own.  Roy has also become a father to the two older boys, and much of who they are NOW is because of Roy’s influence.  We love one another, and that is reflected in the boys.

Boys that are intelligent, funny, kind, and full of life.  And these boys are loved, very much, not only by Roy and I, but also by our families.  I worry that once all the boys are in school, or have moved on to their own lives, I will feel lost.  I will wonder what to do with my time.  Roy is a grown man. He only needs so much taking care of.

And that is why I have contemplated adoption.  It isn’t because I think I am this truly stellar mother and children bloom in my company.  I just have a lot of love to give to my boys, enough that I could easily enfold a few more children into the mix.  We have a lot to offer. Would it be wrong to offer it to a child that has so little?

On the other hand, is it just my fear of not being needed talking here?  The children, for the most part, are still young enough that they need their mom.  Am I worried that I won’t have a purpose when they don’t need me as much?  

I want the boys to grow up to be happy, independent men.  I want them to fall in love, have families of their own, and grow.  I want to get a phone call at 2 am saying that my daughter in law is in labor, or Corey and his partner have found a child to adopt.  I want to have HUGE family holidays, but I also know that the idea of a quiet house isn’t something I’m looking forward too.

Oh well, guess Roy will have to take me on cruises to make up for it.

(remembered from August 2009)

Finally, it was Hayden’s turn. Corey was a sophomore in high school, and Joey was finishing up his last year of middle school. I was just happy that Hayden would have Addi on the bus with him for at least this first year. Just like Corey was with Addi, Addi is in fifth grade and his little brother was starting school.

Our little town finally got a Target (and I admit I am in there at least twice a week, but that is a whole other story), and Hayden loves this store. It’s funny actually, but he was so excited to get to pick out his school outfit. It was a Friday, Roy’s “off day,” (our shopping day?) and Hayden came into our room at about 7am. The summer sun was just starting to peek into the room.

“Can we go to Target and Costco now?” I heard this, while being tapped gently on the cheek.

“Hayden, really? Honey, it’s like… 7 in the morning. Let mommy sleep for a little bit longer.” I pleaded with him, knowing it would do no good.

“Mommy! What if my shirt is gone?” Now keep in mind, Hayden had no idea what his shirt would be, but he knew it might be gone. I sighed and got out of bed.

“Shhh…” I held my finger to my lips, “Let’s let Daddy sleep for a little bit longer, k? And then we can go to IHOP for breakfast.”

“Yes!” Hayden gave me a high five and ran out of the room, slamming the door, which of course woke up Roy.

“What’s going on?” He asked me while trying to pull the covers back up.

I leaned over to give him a kiss and told him to go back to sleep. He grunted at me and rolled back over. I got up, put my nightgown on, and went downstairs to find something to tide over the younger boys. Dean was crying, so I grabbed him out of his crib on my way down. Hayden and Addi were already awake and sitting expectantly on the couch.

“Addi, are you going with mommy and daddy to run our errands?” I asked him, knowing that more than likely he would want to stay home with his older brothers.

“Do I have to?” He asked, and I could see the wheels turning. If he stays home, then he might get to play a game or watch a movie he wants, but if he comes with us, he gets breakfast out and maybe a little treat.

I shook my head, and put Dean in his booster seat, “No, you can stay with your brothers, but you have to be good and listen to Corey. Are you going to do that?”

“Of course!” He looked at me like I was an idiot for even questioning him and asked if he could have cereal.

I got Addi his cereal and gave Dean a little waffle to tide him over. Hayden asked for a poptart, so I opened a pack and shared it with him.

“Do you know what you want to wear on your first day?” I asked Hayden smoothing his sweaty bangs off his forehead.

“No, but can I get a Bakugan?” He asked.

I sighed. Bakugan are little balls that pop open to reveal little dragons or animals when they touch metal.

“We’ll see. But remember we need to get you something cool to wear on your first day of school.”

“Ok, but I really want a Bakugan.” Rather than get sucked into this back and forth with Hayden, I gave him a kiss and walked back into the kitchen to see what Dean was doing.

Around 8:30am, Corey stumbled down the stairs and grunted at us. I told him to get something to eat and to keep an eye on the little boys, so I could run and get cleaned up.

“Do you want to go with us?” I asked Corey as he rummaged around in the pantry.

“Where?” He muttered at me.

“I need to run to Costco and then Target.” Of course, Costco is about 35 minutes away, and like Addi, I saw the wheels turning.

“Do you need my help with anything?” He asked finally coming out of the pantry with a box of Frosted Flakes.

“No, your dad is coming with me. If you want to stay home, you know the deal.”

He nodded and I ran up the stairs to get cleaned up. I walked into our room, and Roy was just starting to get up. I ran into the bathroom and heard him curse at me.

“HEY! You’ve been up here all morning, don’t blame me!” I yelled at him through the door knowing he was upset that I snagged the bathroom first.

“Yeah, open the door, or I won’t go with you.” Boy, did he know me or what?

I unlocked the door, and smiled at him while he grunted at me and pushed past me. MEN! I turned on the shower, and put my glasses up.

“Where do you need to go today?” Roy asked, and I heard the sleepiness in his voice.

“Just Costco and Target. We can go to Maru if you want.” I knew dangling the fish store in front of him would work to my advantage.

“Cool.” And he turned on the bathtub. Just then I heard our bedroom door crash open.

“Mommy!” The whine was starting to creep into Hayden’s voice, so I quickly jumped in the shower, leaving Roy to deal with him. Cowardly, I know.

“What, Hayden?”

“Can we go yet? I put my clothes on.”

Roy told him to be patient and that we would leave as soon as we were ready.

“Well, are you ready yet?” Hayden persisted.

“No, Hayden. Mommy has no clothes on, and Daddy is in his underwear. Relax, we won’t be long.” Roy responded.

Hayden nodded at Roy and ran out of the room. I finished up in the shower and tried to hurry Roy along in the bathtub. I wanted to get to Costco, get the shopping down, and start heading home before Friday traffic clogged up the road. I dried off, and Roy and I ran around getting dressed… me fixing my hair and him annoying me with his cologne. I asked him to get Dean some clothes, while I finished up with my makeup. I brushed my hair and looked around the room. Satisfied that I had everything I needed, I ran downstairs to meet the guys.

“Hey, Mom.” Joey called to me from the sofa.

“Hey, Joey. You coming with us?” I already knew the answer, but we always ask.

“Nah, can I just stay home?” I said sure and walked into Roy’s office to get my purse. “Where’s, Hayden?” I asked coming out of the office into the family room.

“Here I am!” He came downstairs. Now, I will say… at home, I don’t mind if he runs around in his pajamas all day. He plays outside in his GI Joe costume and his dad and I are cool with that, but when we go out, I like the boys to look nice. Today Hayden came downstairs in red knit shorts… still in good shape, but faded as all get out. He was wearing a bright yellow shirt… still ok, but over his shirt he had put this little hoodie he loves. It is a sort of teal blue with no arms, but it was tight. His shirt is all bunched up undearneath it, but the real star of the show here were his socks.

“What are you wearing?” Corey asked him, not even bothering to hide the smirk in his voice. Of all the boys, Corey is the one that likes clothes. I looked at him, and saw he was looking at Hayden’s black socks… and on closer inspection I saw one sock had Darth Vadar on it and the other had a robot monkey on it.

“Clothes.” Hayden answered proudly. Roy laughed and turned to look at me, knowing exactly what I would say, but he cut me off.

“Hayden, come on, buddy. Why don’t you just wear your Crocs?” I assumed Roy figured we could at least get rid of the mismatched socks.

“I will.” And he ran off to get them, “Ok, I’m ready! Can we go now?”

I turned around at Hayden’s voice, only to smile, because, sure enough, he had his Crocs on - the wrong feet of course - but he was still wearing his socks.

I asked, “Hayden can we please take the socks off? And the vest too?”

“Ok, can I get a Bakugan if I do?” The boy is crafty. I’ll give him that.

“We’ll see.” And I admit to holding my breath, hoping that answer would at least get us out the door and into the car.

“Fine.” And with that he took off his blue vest and his mismatched socks and ran out the door, leaving them in a small pile on the floor in the foyer.

“I got ‘em.” I said to Roy as he stepped over them with Dean in his arms and walked out to join Hayden.

I threw the clothes into the laundry room and shouted instructions to the older boys, “Be Good! Corey don’t be a bossy jerk, k? Be nice to your younger brothers. Joey, help out Corey and keep an eye on Addi too. Addison! You listen to your older brothers. No fighting! And please don’t just play the computers all day, get some lunch at lunch time.” At this point I could see their eyes glazing over.

Corey smiled at me, “Mom, it’s cool. We know the drill. See you later.”

“Ok, ok. Love you guys!” I called as I was shutting the door.

I pulled up short to see Roy in the passenger seat of our Prius. Figures! I think I do about 70% of our driving, which doesn’t bother me for the most part, though the smirk on Roy’s face did.

“I was going to drive anyways.” I told him as I got into the car.

“Sure you were.” He couldn’t keep the baiting tone out of his voice.

“Bite me.” I threw at him and started to laugh when Hayden giggled in the backseat. “Ok, off we go!”

We drove the 45 minutes to Costco, which I bypassed and turned into the parking lot of IHOP instead. I was so looking forward to some warm pancakes and hot coffee. We went in, were seated, and placed our order a few minutes later.

“Are you excited to pick out your new outfit for school?” Roy asked Hayden as our food was set in front of us.

“Yeah, but Mommy said I could have a Bakugan!”

“Oh really?” Roy asked. He says I spoil Hayden, and I admit it… I do. When he looks at me with those big liquid eyes, and says “Please Mommy.” I don’t like to say no.

“Yeah, I need a new one. But I will get a new outfit for school too. Maybe at Target.” He had it all worked out.

We paid for our meal and hopped back in the car, got buckled up, and headed over to Costco.

“This isn’t Target.” I could hear the whine creeping back into his voice, and knowing that if it continues, it would grate on my last nerve.

“Hayden, be good, buddy, k?” Roy asked him, though Hayden, even at five, knew Daddy wasn’t asking him to be good. He was telling him or else.

“Ok. Can we go to the Bear Store?” He asked me coming to take my hand, as we got out of the parked car.

“We’ll see.” I told him and tucked his small hand in mine. I know he likes Build-a-Bear Workshop. Even I like it, but we have SO many stuffed animals in the house.

We walked around the mall for a bit. I probably wandered into Hot Topic looking at things for the older boys. I might have even bought them a few shirts. We hit American Eagle, New York and Company, probably Game Stop, and then finally we wandered into Costco. Costco is my friend… one of my best friends. With a large family, especially one with growing boys and a husband that loves meat, a warehouse store is the way to go, and in my book, Costco is the best. But, it isn’t pretty when we go there - sure every once in awhile we get out with only dropping $150, but it’s usually more like $300 or more. If you pay attention, you will notice Roy wander away when the last item is rung up. He just wants the check to clear. He doesn’t want to know the details.

We finally packed up and headed to Target. But I decided to steer towards Old Navy, just in case.

“I don’t like this store.” Hayden wasn’t even in the door before he started complaining. I mean, let’s just put it out there, nothing will ever beat Target for him.

“Well, Mommy just wants to look, ok? I just want to see if we can get you some shorts.”

“Fine,” he sighed and followed me around, his face lighting up when he saw a large vending machine with bouncy balls in them. I left Roy to rummage around in his shorts to come up with some quarters, while I tried to find shorts in Addi and Hayden’s sizes. Hayden finally got a ball, and he and Dean bounced it around the store, while I tried not to give Roy the evil eye for letting them do that.

“Ok, let’s go.” I took the shorts and a few things I got for Dean and attempted to hurry them along… anxious to pay and get to Target, so we could get home.

Target… I love it! It’s one stop shopping as far as I am concerned. The clothes are of better quality than other stores like it, and they have some big name designers do limited edition lines for them. I mean, let’s face it, a piece from his Target line is the only way I can afford Gaultier. We walked into the store and grabbed a cart. I steered everyone straight ahead, down the aisle with women’s clothing. Hayden opened his mouth, and I just knew what was coming out.

“Give me a minute, ok, Hayden? Mommy just wants to see if they have anything on sale.”

“Ok, maybe Daddy can take me to the toys?” He looked at Roy with hope in his eyes.

I nodded at him and told him I would meet them over there in a minute. I probably found something to add to my closet and wandered over to find the boys. I reached the toy section and slowed my strides, I could hear Roy telling Hayden he could get ONE Bakugan and that he needed to hurry because we had meat in the car. Before I reached the aisle, my three guys came out and started toward me. Hayden was holding a Bakugan, his little face happy and relaxed. Dean had an Elmo in his arms and a smile on his little cherubic face.

“Ready to pick out an outfit?” I asked Hayden as he reached me and gave me a hug.

“Yep!” And he took off in front of us, already familiar with the layout of the store.

We reached the boys’ section, only to see Hayden already holding a black polo shirt with little white skulls on them.

“I found my shirt! Can we go pay now?” Hayden’s desire to play with his new toy was clearly evident.

“Hayden, this shirt is way too big for you, honey. Just relax, ok?” I put the extra large polo shirt back on the rack and picked out his size. For some reason, I too am a fan of skulls, and I was digging this shirt. He had the shorts we found at Old Navy, but Roy was browsing through the basketball shorts, probably looking for something for Joe. Finally, we made our selections and headed to the register to pay. After we paid and loaded up everything in what little room we had left in the Prius, we headed back towards home.

“Did you want to go to the fish store?” I asked Roy, who was now driving.

“No, I’m good. I think we spent enough money today.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Roy knows fish stores bore the crap out of me on a good day. I settled in for the ride home, laughing with Roy and signing along to the radio with Hayden. About 45 minutes later, we pulled into our driveway and beeped the horn, which is the signal for the older boys to come out and help unload the car. After things were put up and dinner eaten, Roy and I relaxed on the couch. I have no doubt that he said something to me regarding Hayden going to school, and pretty soon, Dean would follow. But I wasn’t listening. Hayden is my baby, my fourth baby, and the idea of putting him on the bus and watching him wave to me from the window made my heart hurt.

Roy always asks why it doesn’t get any easier to send the kids off to school, and the simple answer is… I don’t know. But honestly, I do know part of the reason - it’s a reminder to me that time is going by too quickly. That each day the boys need me less and less. That Corey turning 18, Joey getting his driver’s license, and Addi going to high school are milestones that are just around the corner. And one day, I will wake up, turn over to see my beautiful husband lying next to me, and I will know that I won’t hear any little feet running down the hall. I won’t have a little boy seeking out the warmth of my arms. Roy and I will be alone. And at times we will celebrate, but I know the day will come when I will be alone, and the quiet will get to me. I will miss the chaos and the screaming. I will long for the wails of “Mommy!” and the sweet, wet kisses of my little boys. I just hope that no matter how big they get, no matter how old they are, they will always have some time for their good ol’ mom.

And in the meantime, I will try to remember that day is just around the corner and not lock myself in the bathroom to hide from them.

(remembered from August 2004)

Things were a bit different for Addi. For one thing, school starts about two weeks earlier in our new town, but when you register for kindergarten you are also given a skills test. Before we moved, Addi was in preschool and seemed to be really taking to it. He was making friends, working on his letters and numbers, and learning what it was like to be away from us during the day. But the move presented us with a problem. I was heavily pregnant and the drive was a considerable one. It was doable, but was it realistic for me to do that three days a week, and then turn around and have to work four hours a night? We opted to keep him home and we would work with him as best we can. Well, the skills test showed that teaching small children is probably not my calling. I was nervous for his first day and prayed he wasn’t the only kindergartner NOT reading at a fifth grade level!

When it was time to shop for school clothes, we went to our local Walmart. Addi wanted a Pokémon shirt to wear on his first day, and I knew that Wal-Mart always has cartoon shirts. I remember that Roy came with us this time. Hayden was little, maybe four months old, and we were in the boys section. Roy was holding Hayden, and I was trying to find some jeans for Addi.

“He needs to try those on, Chris.”

“Yeah, OK… come on, Addi.” I picked up a size five and a size six and marched over to the dressing room.

“I want to do it myself!” Addi took the pants from me and went into an empty fitting room. Roy and I waited patiently for him to show us the pants. He came out in a pair, “I like these. Can I get them?”

Roy looked at me, and he must have seen something in my face, so he answered, “Sure, but you need to put on your old pants, so we can go pick out a shirt.”

I couldn’t believe it. The little boy that gave us such a scare when he was born early; the little boy that liked nothing better than to sit next to me and twirl my hair around his fingers while we watched cartoons together was leaving me and going off to school. Another big difference in our new school district is that kindergarten is five days a week, all day - rather than five half days. This was going to be a BIG change!

After Roy told him to put on his pants, he nodded and ran off to change. Once he was done, Roy took him over to the shelves and helped him pick out a black shirt with Pikachu on it. After we finished our shopping, Roy took us all to Dairy Queen for some ice cream. While sitting there, I remember trying to count the days to the first day of school. How many more days would I have my little boy home with me?

Like his two older brothers, Addi got up his first morning of school raring to go! Roy got him up and out of bed, while I got breakfast ready and nursed the baby.

“How do I look?” Addi came down the stairs, proudly showing off his new Pokemon shirt.

“You look great!” I told him. “Do you want me to make your lunch? Or do you want to eat in school?”

Over the years one thing I have learned is that for the younger boys, this is a serious question. If they pack, they get to bring their favorite snacks from home, but if they buy, they look so much cooler!

“Can I buy today?”

I nodded, and Roy went off to get a few dollars, so we could put them into an envelope for his lunch money. Addi quickly went through his breakfast and sat coloring at the kitchen table until it was time to go outside.

I remember this day so clearly, because as I walked outside, I was treated to the site of a flat tire on my Expedition… great! But nothing could put a damper on Addi’s day. He finally gets to ride on that bus with his two older brothers.

I turned to Corey who was in fifth grade at the time. “Please sit with him on the bus? I just don’t want him to feel overwhelmed or scared, k?”

“It’s cool, mom. I got it.” Corey was in fifth grade this year, this routine was old hat for him.

I heard the bus lumbering down the street and watched as Joey ran across the street to join the other kids waiting for the bus. Corey took his time and led Addi across the street holding his hand. He whispered something to him, and Addi laughed. I was thrilled that he was excited, but since he was across the street, I let a tear fall from my eye. Roy smiled at me and put his arm around my shoulder.

“Don’t let him see you cry, baby.” I nodded and put a smile on my face. This time there were three little faces pressed to the window, arms waving frantically.

(remembered from September 2001)

Sending Joe off to school was an entirely different experience. He is much quieter than Corey, though I wouldn’t call him shy. I think he likes to think of himself as discerning. As with Corey, I took Joe to the store. Old Navy again, and told him he could pick out a new school outfit. Joey is less concerned with clothing than Corey is, and I think he just asked me to pick it out and could we go to the bookstore when we were done. I picked out a pair of khaki shorts and a red t-shirt for him to wear. Thinking how nice red would look on him with his dark hair and muddy, green eyes. I asked him what he thought.

“Cool! Can we go to Border’s now?” I gave him a hug and said of course. After we paid, I took him to the bookstore, let him pick out a book-probably a Magic Treehouse Book, and treated us to a giant cookie and some chocolate milk.

On the first day of school, he woke up early with no extra help needed from me, put on his new clothes, and waited for me to get his breakfast for him. Addi was young, and I was frazzled (more) easily in those days. I was rushing around trying to get their lunch ready, make sure everyone had breakfast, and then I heard a little voice, “Mommy, it’s time to go.” I stopped, and grabbed everyone’s backpack, put them on and picked up Addi to put him in his stroller. The bus stop was up the road from our house, maybe a five minute walk at the entrance to our neighborhood. I pushed Addi in his stroller and watched the two older boys skip happily along anticipating the day to come. At the bus stop there were maybe 15 kids, from kindergarten to fifth grade. The boys liked the noise, the thrill of making new friends, and once again I felt that longing to hold on to a point in their life that was rapidly coming to an end.

When the bus pulled up, it was Joey that squeezed my hand a little tighter, while he bent over to kiss his little brother on the cheek.

“Bye mommy. I will miss you!” He whispered this to me and stood on his tip toes to wait for me to lean over so he could give me a kiss, and then just like this older brother did two years ago, he climbed up those steps. Although this time he had someone to show him the ropes. As the bus pulled away, I saw two little faces pressed to the glass with hands waving frantically to get my attention. Two down.

(remembered from September 1999)

I have put four boys on the bus for that first day of kindergarten. It’s funny, for my husband it is a pride thing. He gets up with me that morning, we get the kids breakfast, put on their new outfits, and pack their backpacks with them. I try to give them at least ten minutes of “down time” to just sit and relax before we have to get out to the bus stop. On that first day, I sit there impatiently, looking at the boys and thinking this is it. No more leisurely days with mom. No more mommy’s little shopping buddy. No more lunches at the mall food court. They have their job to do now - school.

Corey was tough. He was our first, it was made easier because he was so excited. I took him to Old Navy and let him pick out a new shirt. I think it was a blue and green polo shirt. He put on his new shorts, and brought me his socks and shoes because he still needed some help. I got him his backpack, and helped him with the straps. I put on my flip flops and he took my hand and out the door we went. There were about five other kids at the bus stop, each looking tiny, each holding on to their mom or dad’s hand. We stood there for about 10 minutes, none of the mother’s really talking to each other, but I think my own look of trepidation was mirrored in each of their eyes. As the bus rounded the corner, I felt myself squeeze Corey’s hand just a bit tighter. If I held on, I could delay the inevitable for just a few more minutes. Corey squeezed back and moved to let go.

“Bye, Mommy! You’ll be here when I get home, right?”

I just nodded, not trusting myself to speak. This was an exciting day for him, I wasn’t going to ruin it with any tears. He looked so little going up those stairs, but he turned back and waved at me and then got on the bus looking forward to his first day.

That year was a crazy one for us. Corey started kindergarten in September, and right about that time Roy and I started looking for a house and planning our wedding. Crazy, I know! Well, we finally found the house, a cute little fixer upper. We finalized all the details for our wedding, and in December we moved in and got married. My original plan was to drive Corey to school and pick him up. That would allow him to finish out his first year of school in ONE classroom, with one teacher and one group of friends. All of that worked out just fine for about a month, until one freezing morning my car wouldn’t start. I should say, it was an old minivan that my parents gave me. Roy was at work. We didn’t know anyone in the neighborhood, and Corey was stuck. That day I sat him down and explained the situation to him. I asked him what he wanted to do and told him that we would work it out.

He sat at the dining room table, boxes of unpacked things still surrounding us on the floor and munched on his sandwich. His little legs were swinging back and forth, and I stared into his blue, blue little boy eyes.

“Well, what if I went to the school up the street? Then I could ride the bus.”

It was such a simple solution, but somehow I felt better making it knowing he was on board. The boys had such a busy month I was afraid one more change would be too much.

But that is simply how Corey meets many challenges. He is very much like me in many regards, when faced with something overwhelming he will at first balk and fuss and whine, but realizing sometimes things have to get done, he buckles down and does what he has to do. I saw that determination in his eyes that first day of school, when he walked with such confidence up steps that were almost too big for him and took his seat on the bus.

Since it is the first day of school for many kids out there, I thought I would dedicate this week to my boys, and THEIR first day of kindergarten.  Four of our five have reached that milestone, and we only have one more to go.  Going through these memories has been bittersweet for me - I am proud of all they have accomplished and the hard work they have done, but at the same time, it is always met with a bit of sadness because I am reminded just how quickly time flies.

We were in Germany visiting Roy’s parents when it dawned on me that my period was late. It was August of 2003. We were in Germany for about two weeks, and I was dying to take a pregnancy test. I even went so far as to tell Roy we should just buy one, and we would figure it out. He told me to just wait, and so I did, but not happily let me make that clear! The day after we got back, I ran to Target and bought an EPT. I didn’t even want to finish my shopping, I just wanted to pay for it and get home to take the test. Of course, Roy reminded me that leaving without toilet paper and milk probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, so eventually we got what we needed, paid and drove home.

“Seriously, Chris!” Roy yelled at me as I ran into the house with my little bag and left Roy and the three older boys to handle the rest.

“What’s mom doing?” Addi asked.

“I guess she really needs to pee!” Corey said and to his nine year old mind this was hilarious.

“Yeah, Mom has to pee!” Joey chimed in, and at seven he thought this was really witty.

But back to me, I locked myself in the little guest bathroom right by the front door of our old three level walk-up townhome. I sat and willed myself to go (Ok, I know this is TMI, but bear with me).

“Well?” Roy called at me from the other side of the door.

“Well what?” I screeched! “Don’t pressure me!”

He laughed and walked away. I turned on the faucet and relaxed. Ok, three minutes, and I will know for sure. I was already imagining a little girl with tiny pigtails and chubby legs running towards Roy. Her older brothers would pick her up and swirl her around while she giggled charmingly.

“Mommy?” came a tiny knock, “Are you done yet? I really have to go potty!”

I opened the door and looked at my youngest, Addi’s luminous brown eyes smiled up at me in thanks, and he ran into the bathroom. Roy peered at me from the kitchen pass thru, a question on his face. I held up three fingers, and he nodded and returned to the freezer and tried to stuff another frozen pizza into our already bursting freezer.

“Ok, mommy. I’m done!” Addi came out and pulled his pants up.

I held up my hand and he gave me five. I bent over to hug him, and he kissed my cheek before running off to play with his older brothers. I walked into the bathroom holding my breath. I said a silent pray and looked at the EPT stick.

“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” Roy came up behind me and put his arms around my waist.

“Yes, honey! We’re pregnant!” and I threw my arms around him. This baby wasn’t a surprise pregnancy. This baby was planned from the beginning. We could tell our family, and hopefully they would be happy for us. Roy could come to all of the doctor’s appointments with me, we could pick out bedding, and little clothes. I could proudly show off my belly and waddle around happily with my boys.

Most people can’t find out the sex of the baby until around 22-23 weeks, and for those first few months I will admit it, my mind was occupied with flowers and butterflies. I didn’t want the room overly girly, I decided, but I loved butterflies. Maybe some green and purple butterflies, with a touch of blue? Would that work? I don’t know. I let Roy figure out the hard stuff.

And then one day, when I was about 20 weeks pregnant, and we had sold our townhome and were living in a hotel waiting for our current house to be finished, I convinced Roy to take me shopping at Tyson’s Corner Mall. He reminded me that we were living in a hotel and the two cars as well as the room was already packed, but I wanted to get out of the room, and so we packed up the boys and headed out to the mall. At this age, the boys were still into Disney, and we were wandering around the Disney store with the boys looking at silly toys.

“It’s so crowded in here, Roy. I’m just going to go out front and sit down.”

“Ok, I’ll round them up and meet you out front.”

I walked to the front of the store and spotted an empty bench. Once I reached it, I sat down and sighed. And then I saw him. a little boy with dirty blond hair, and big blue eyes. He was about 18 months old and dressed in little denim overalls, and I knew right then. I wanted a little boy. Oh sure, a little girl would be great, and as long as the baby was healthy, I didn’t care. But a little boy that looked like Roy sure would be great. Had his beautiful eyes, and maybe my dark hair. A little boy with chubby legs and a tiny tummy. I smiled at the little boy as he ran up to me and grabbed my legs.

“I’m so sorry!” his mother said as she ran over to grab him. “When are you due?”

“April.” I answered her and made a silly face at her son.

“Wow! You look great!

For some reason, I never believe this compliment. Perhaps it’s because I feel so fat, and blobbish when I am pregnant. I love it, but I don’t think this is a good look for me.

I laughed, “Thanks! Don’t always feel great though!”

She nodded her head, and wished me luck, as I got up to join Roy and the boys as they came out of the store with a huge bag.

“What did you buy?” I asked.

The boys pulled out a huge stuffed Eeyore dressed in plaid pajamas.

“It’s for the baby, Mom!” Joey exclaimed proudly.

“Well, I am sure he will love it!” I answered and hugged him to me. “Now, can we please go get something to eat?”

“OH! Can we go to the Rainforest Café?” Corey loved to eat, even then.

“Fine. Let’s go see what the wait is.” And I did my best to move the kids along towards the restaurant.

Going to the mall with everyone, especially Tyson’s, is an all day affair. We ate dinner, walked around some more, and then piled back into the car to head back to the hotel.

I don’t know what we did the next day-Sunday. And Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday was all about getting the boys up, getting them fed (free continental breakfast!) and taking Corey and Joey to school. But I remember Wednesday night.

I was going to have my sonogram on Thursday, and I could barely contain my excitement. My stomach was already big, and Roy is tall, so the little beds we were sleeping in didn’t make a good night sleep easy for me to come by. I must have drifted off though, because before I knew it, I was sitting outside. It was a beautiful park, with flowers blooming all around me. I sat down, and suddenly my grandfather was sitting next to me. I don’t remember him, my father’s father, but my mother often told me how wonderful he was. He was a kind, honest hardworking man and I remember a picture of him holding me. He looked so happy, and so much like my father.

“Hi Chrissy,” he said. My grandmother still called me that, even at 29 years old.

“Hi. Who’s baby is that?” I asked him, looking at the tiny little boy he held.

“This is your baby. You know, you’re having another boy right?”

I woke with a start, and turned to soothe Roy as he stirred. I cradled my belly and smiled. I was going to have a boy! Soon after, I got the boys up, and looked out the window, snow blanketed the ground. School was canceled, so the sonogram was going to be a family affair. I pushed Roy out of bed and into the bathroom, which he shuffled over to grunting and groaning at the cold and early hour. The boys were excited, and I think each of them was hoping they would get a little sister. After our standard continental breakfast, waffles and OJ, we all piled into the car to head up to the doctor’s office.

I walked into the office happily. I knew what the technician was going to say. I just wanted confirmation. We signed in and sat down to wait. Luckily there was a small room for the boys with a TV that played cartoons, so they were occupied for the time being. After a short wait, my name was called and I was brought into the room to get ready for the procedure. Roy came back a few minutes later, and sat down next to me. He took my hand, as he always does at times like this, and rubbed my arm tenderly. The technician did his thing, taking measurements, verifying my expected due date, etc. And then he asked the question:

“Do you want to know the sex?”

Roy didn’t mind being surprised, I wanted to know. I wanted to know if my dream was just an overactive imagination coupled with pregnancy hormones, or maybe, just maybe, it was something more.

“I do, yes.” And I squeezed Roy’s hand a little tighter.

“It’s a boy!” and he pointed out the tell tale sign.

Roy laughed, and I felt a tear creep down my cheek. I knew it! My dream was something more than just a dream. Perhaps it’s silly, but I will never forget that. It was a sign. I got up and cleaned up my sticky belly. Roy helped me off the table, and we went out to tell the boys. They laughed too, and Corey asked if the baby was ok. We went outside, piled everyone back into the car, and I called my parents. My mom answered the phone and laughed when I told her it was another boy! She told me she was happy that we were both doing ok, and I hung up. I think we went out for lunch, and probably went back to the hotel to take advantage of the indoor pool. The rest of my pregnancy was uneventful. We moved into our new house, got the two older boys settled into their new school, and I did my best to stay out of Roy’s way as he got the nursery ready. Because we lived so far from my OB (I opted not to switch to someone closer since I was so far along) and my previous boy’s had been big, my doctor decided to induce me. Hayden was scheduled to come into the world on. TAX DAY!

We woke up bright and early that morning and headed to the hospital. Along the way, I called into the hospital. They were packed, and I had to wait to come in! I was NOT happy. I was ready to do this, and I wanted to hold my little boy in my arms. Roy turned the car around, and we went home. I watched Armageddon and fumed. I couldn’t eat anything, and I was starving! Around 9 am we got the call. I was to come in, and they would hold the room for me since we were about 45 minutes away. Like my pregnancy, the delivery was uneventful. They started the Pitocin drip about 10:45, and I settled in for the long day. I remember Roy decided to torture me and watch food network. Wouldn’t you know it, Paula Deen was making pulled pork! Snot!

Anyways, things moved along slowly, but around three I started to feel it. I asked for IV medication, hoping to avoid an epidural. The medication made me loopy. I asked Roy if we had dogs, which we did. I KNEW I sounded ridiculous, but for some reason my mouth wouldn’t cooperate with my brain. After a few hours, I gave up and admitted it. the IV medication wasn’t cutting it, and I was exhausted. I asked for an epidural, and was able to get some sleep. In fact, I had to be woken up and told it was time to push! Got to love modern medicine!

Hayden finally came into this world that evening. He was tiny though, just under eight pounds, but he was perfect. And everyone remarked on how much hair he had! He was an easy baby, and luckily he took to nursing like nobody’s business. In fact, he never lost any weight in the hospital (which is normal for most babies) but gained weight instead! It was a sign of things to come! We went home the next day, and settled in. That first night was rough. He was so little, and I worried. I found myself crying a lot (hormones!) and constantly asking Roy if he thought Hayden was ok. He was fine, though at this point I think Roy was starting to worry about me. My parents brought the boys home two days later, and Roy’s parents brought our dogs home. I decided to cook dinner for everyone. Not sure what I made, but I remember thinking. I just had a baby, why am I doing this? But it was fun! Hayden met his brothers, all his grandparents and our dogs that same day.

The first year of Hayden’s life flew by. I would take him out and people always remarked on his thick head of hair, and asked how old he was. They usually guessed four or five months older than he actually was, and then were surprised when I told them his actually age. He was my big boy! Off the charts in both height and weight for that first year of his life. His first birthday was celebrated at home with just family, and I have tons of pictures with Hayden, chocolate cake, and a really messy face!

Before I knew it, we were debating on whether or not to sign Hayden up for preschool. When we decided that it might, at least, help him become more social it was too late! We were on the waiting list! Time passed, and I figured we didn’t get in, but two days before school was to start I got a phone call. Someone dropped out, and Hayden was in. if we wanted to sign him up, that is! Preschool wasn’t cheap, but I thought at the very least he would make some friends, and I would get a few hours to myself. He was shy those first few weeks, but eventually, he settled in. And then it was time for him to start his four year old preschool classes! It was more of the same thing, he was shy at first, but eventually he settled in and made a few good friends. Dean was about seven months old when Hayden started his second year of preschool, and my Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings were crazy! Rushing to get the three older boys off to school, trying to get Hayden fed and dressed, nursing the baby, hoping I looked semi-decent at drop off. Luckily Roy works from home, so more often than not, he was up and could tend to Dean while I dropped Hayden off at preschool.

Before I knew it, it was April of 2009, and it was time to sign Hayden up for kindergarten. The way they handle sign ups in our neck of the woods is that parents fill out all the necessary paperwork, and the children are taken to another room with a teacher and tested on their skills. This did not go well. First off, we had to wait for about two hours, so Hayden was restless. Second, he didn’t know the person doing the testing, so he was scared and did not want to follow her. Third, since he was scared and shy, he didn’t want to answer some of the questions and that lowered his score. I already knew he didn’t know how to read, but he is very quiet when he doesn’t know you. I almost laughed when I was given his test score- 32 out of 100. I knew what Roy would say!

“Are you kidding me?” he asked me when I gave him the test paper. “I spent all that money for play dates, right? Dean is NOT going to that preschool!”

I laughed. Yep. I was right. knew he was going to say that!

The first day of kindergarten was so hard for me! Hayden was my little guy. and I had to put him on a bus and send him away! But at least he had Addi to show him the ropes and watch out for him on the bus. We got lucky and Hayden’s teacher for kindergarten was a lovely, young lady. She was kind, but firm and had more patience than anyone I had ever met. Just what Hayden needed! His reading teacher was equally wonderful! Encouraging, funny and engaging. Hayden’s report cards reflected his growing confidence, and by the fourth quarter he had earned a promotion in his reading class! I can’t tell you how nice it was to go into a conference because our child was doing so well the teacher wanted to make sure we knew, rather than our child is being a pain in the butt! As we try to get Hayden ready for first grade, I am filled with jitters. Addi is starting middle school, so Hayden is on his own. Roy tells me I am silly and that Hayden will do just fine, and although my head knows that, my heart is just sad to see my little guy growing up so quickly!

Thought this could be cool since H just graduated from kindergarten!

I went to a private school in kindergarten.  I remember my first day of school, I had to leave my mom and get on a bus, and I didn’t like it, not one little bit.  The school was for grades k-12, and I was the youngest person on my bus.  I am actually pretty sure there were a number of high schoolers.  Well, I cried and cried, not wanting to leave my mom, and one of the older girls gave me her barrette.  She told me that it was special, and I could give it back to her later.  I remember her helping me put it in my hair, and telling me I looked pretty.

The next day, one of the other girls brought me an apple, or maybe a cookie, but it was a little snack, and after that the older kids on the bus would bring me a little something just to make me smile.  It probably took me a week or so before I was able to leave my mom without crying, but those older kids certainly made it easier for me.