I don’t have all the answers, hell one couple in our little town just celebrated their 70th anniversary and even they say they don’t have all the answers, but after almost 14 years together I know this-My husband can’t read my mind.

IN our 13 1/2 years together, I will say this-we have had more good times than bad.  Even the ‘just ok’ times, have been pretty darn good for me.  Sure the big gestures are nice, the extravagant family vacations are wonderful and the kids love to reminisce, but the little things are pretty cool too.

The way Roy smells when he crawls into bed at night.  The way he rolls over at night and seeks me out even while asleep.  Joe playing squinkies (if you don’t know what they are, where have you been?!) with Dean.  Corey taking Addi out for Chinese food.  Hayden slamming into the house, cheeks red from the chill in the air.

Roy spending the day (yes, the entire day…) washing his car, while I read silly blurbs to him from my women’s magazines.  Or finding a movie the whole family digs and sitting around the family room with them watching it.

BUT, Roy won’t know how much these little things mean to me, unless I tell him.  It isn’t that he’s clueless, far from it.  It isn’t that he’s dumb, he’s one of the most intelligent men I know.  It’s that after being together for this long, and having five boys-I finally realized men just don’t see things the way we do.

There were times in the past when this made me CRAZY!  Roy and I would get into a fight, or my mom would hurt me, and I would go to Roy fussing and venting.  He would do one of two things-tell me how to ‘fix’ the problem (UMM…excuse me!  Are you implying you’re smarter than I am?  I didn’t ask you to fix anything!) Or he would stare at me and say as little as possible.  (HELLO!  McFly, anyone in there?) Both approaches DROVE ME NUTS.

And yet, if I have EVER sat Roy down and said, “Look, I really need you to do this, this and this for me.  It would mean a lot, and I need you.”

He has NEVER let me down.  Sure sometimes, we can’t do this, this and this.  Sometimes he doesn’t do it the exact way I pictured, but he has always tried, and he tries for me.

Men can’t read our minds, and that doesn’t make them bad or wrong, it just makes them different.  

-my boys.  I mean that’s a no brainer right?  I’m thankful for ALL my boys, my biggest guy (my amazing husband), and my littlest guy, and all my sweethearts in between.

-my health.  I’m almost 38, and I’ve never felt better.  MAYBE, when I was 17 and on top of my game as an athlete, MAYBE.  But I was also an unhappy, overworked, exhausted teenager.  Sure, I was ripped (I used to have abs!), but I wasn’t happy being me.  I am now… and I can tell the difference.

-Modern Family, The Middle, The New Girl, Raising Hope… comedy.  I’m thankful for comedy.  Things that make me laugh.  Things I can watch with the entire family, things that make ALL of us laugh.  Ok, TV shows that make us laugh.

-my DVD player.  Mainly because I don’t remember the last really good horror movie that came out in the theaters.  So my DVD player (ok, it’s really Roy’s PS3) allows me to watch all the indies, and my old favorites.

-low fat ice cream and yogurt - HELLO!  Does this really need an explanation?  And let me clarify, I’m thankful for YUMMY low fat ice cream and yogurt.  The yucky stuff you can have it.

-Target.  Where else would I amuse myself for hours looking at all the reasonably priced clothing?  Where else can you find toys, books, AND tampons?  (Ok, you can find that in lots of stores…) Where else would they know me by name cause I spend so much money there?  

-Peppermint Bark.  So yummy, and this goes back to Target, cause they have sales, and I can stock up!

-the bite in the air.  I love the cold, and so far it hasn’t been that ‘take your breath away’ kind of cold that sort of sucks butt.  It’s just the right amount of cold for me. 

-coconut body lotion.  I can smell like a pina colada/suntan lotion all year long.

I have to say this again… DO NOT stay married to someone you no longer love and use your kid/s as the reasoning.

Kids are smart. They are intuitive. They pick up on discord and anger.  They might not say anything. They might not do anything, but they can feel it.  They can sense it, and it hurts them!

Life is short. Too short to sacrifice your happiness and tether yourself to someone you do not love - kids or no kids.  Is that easy to say?  Yes, it is.  

But so is making the decision to do what is best for you and your children.  You don’t have to be married to be good parents!  You don’t need to settle for okay or not too bad.  You need to get out and live your life the best way you can, and sometimes that means making a hard decision when it comes to your marriage.

Staying married for the kids is an excuse.  It’s scary to get a divorce. It’s scary and hard to start over. But life isn’t easy, and putting the burden of an unhappy marriage on your kids is wrong… plain and simple.

Now, this is just my opinion, but I’ve been there before. So while this IS my opinion, it’s also born from my own experience.

We plan certain things in advance.  With seven schedules to deal with and juggle, some things require advance planning - the birthday outing for Hayden the other day, a trip to Busch Gardens, a weekend camping excursion, or a family vacation (that one can require SERIOUS planning). None of that is easy with seven people.  Roy might need to take time off work, I need to check with the kids’ teachers to make sure they aren’t missing anything, appointments might need to be rescheduled, etc..  And on the day of the event, tensions might be high.  If we have a long drive ahead of us, I want to start EARLY.  So, I get up get ready, and then run around trying to get everyone else up and out the door.  Because of all the planning and maneuvering, expectations are high.  At Busch Gardens we try to please all of the kids - going on roller coasters for Corey, Joey, Roy, and I, looking for rides that fall somewhere between death defying and boring for Hayden and Addi, and then finally a little something for Dean.  Everyone expects to have a good time, and we usually do.

Some of my favorite memories of the past year are from family outings to Busch Gardens.  Hall-O-Scream is a big deal down there.  Haunted Houses are set up, shows are reworked. Even the stores have special treats.  A few years ago we went and I clung to the back of Corey’s shirt while we walked through a haunted house.  I screamed with delight, and the boys all laughed at and with me.  When Corey tried to take off and leave me stranded, he didn’t count on me holding on to his shirt collar.  I ripped it, but when we got outside, we all laughed about it.  This past year, Corey made sure Joe knew it was his turn, and Joe made sure to wear an old shirt.  We walked through the house and I clung to Joe, I laughed when he tried to “throw me to the (were)wolves.” He pretended to comfort me as we walked around corners and down dark alleys.  Addi clung to me, and Roy carried Dean.  Hayden walked with Corey, and the two of them laughed and pointed at all the ‘scary monsters.’  It was one of the best Halloweens in a long time.

But again, that was planned.  The idea that we were going to have fun was so firmly planted in everyone’s mind that the kids expected nothing less.  When we go camping, I try to plan things - not over plan as I have learned that causes more headaches than it is worth, but I try to plan things so that everyone will have fun. We will get to have new experiences, and some old, reliable ones as well.

But it is the little things that make me happiest.  This past weekend was a dreary one.  It drizzled all day Saturday, it was cold and no one wanted to do anything.  I was sitting on the couch watching something.  (Pretty sure it was The Vampire Diaries.) Dean was sitting next to me, curled up into my side, and Hayden was playing with Legos on the floor.  Addi was on the computer, and Joe came running down the stairs and flopped on the couch.  

“What’cha watching, Mom?”  I told him, and he snorted.  He then proceeded to sit on the couch making snide comments.  Nothing ridiculing or insulting. He just tried to make me laugh.  Hearing this, Addi came over and joined in.  Hayden not knowing or really understanding what Joe was saying started laughing simply because I was, and Dean giggled when Joe tickled him.  And in that moment, I felt such joy.  The everyday problems were forgotten, the bills that needed to be paid were pushed to the back of my mind, and instead I sat on our couch and laughed with my boys.

Sunday we were eating dinner, and Addi made some silly comment.  We all laughed, but then Roy made a comment under his breath - a little risque, and the younger three didn’t really get it, but Corey, Joe and I did… and we cracked up.  Roy took one look at my red face and burst out laughing.  Hayden tried to join in, but didn’t really understand why we were laughing, so whatever comment he made was even more hilarious.  Joe had to stop eating less he risk choking, Corey was about to fall into my lap he was laughing so hard, and I was getting a great ab workout from all the laughter.  I don’t remember what was said, I just know that was one of those moments, when we were all on the same page.  We were all in on the joke.

There are times when my house is crazy - chaotic doesn’t begin to describe it. And yet, it is moments like those that make me realize… I have never been happier.

I don’t know how many times I have said this in the 16+ years I have been a mom.  10,000?  20,000?  Maybe more. 

I have numerous variations on this phrase: Check it, Check your tone, Watch that mouth, Watch your mouth, Don’t talk to me like that, I’m your mother, not your friend, Show me some respect, etc., etc.

But they all mean the same thing: You better watch what you say to me and how you say it.

I get that being a teenager, a tween or a child can be tough.  You don’t always get to do what you want, when you want to do it.  You don’t always have enough money, enough clout, enough time, etc., and that can be frustrating.  I can be lenient.  If one of the boys stubs their toe and says, “S**T!” I usually let it go.  However, if one of the boys calls another one a “S**T!,” not so much.

I want the boys to realize that how you say something can be just as important as what you say.  Screaming at one of the boys to “SIT DOWN!” is different than quietly asking or telling them to sit down.  Means the same thing, but I guarantee you are going to get two different reactions.

And this is why email (and even phones) can be a double-edged sword.  You can say what you want to say without worrying about the other person interrupting you, but they can’t hear your tone, and they can’t see your facial expressions. 

I am a talker, and while I have said things I regret and will later have to apologize for, I am a big believer in discussing your problems. I don’t think anyone should just say what they want, whenever they want, and not expect there to be some sort of repercussion.  We might have reasons (excuses?) for saying what we said, but, again, that doesn’t mean you get free rein to spew whatever it is you want.

Words hurt, and even tone can hurt, and I hope the boys (and Roy, and even myself) understand that.

(remembered from May 2008)

It was a lazy Spring day, or rather it should have been. I was rushing around trying to get my grocery shopping done. I remember pushing my cart frantically around Walmart. See, I am under the impression that the longer I am in Walmart (or Target or Costco… just depends on the day of the week), the more money I spend. Therefore if I rush around at breakneck pace, I spend much less - of course that doesn’t bode well for other shoppers, but that’s my mindset. Anyways, here I am with milk, bread, juice, maybe some meat, and who knows what else in tow, waiting for my turn at the register. All the while I am thinking of the 100 things I need to do when I get home. It isn’t often that I get to go to the grocery store by myself, and while I love being able to wander around by myself, I know I need to get home… that to-do list isn’t going to get done by itself. So, I finally get up to the register, put my items on the belt, pay, and go out to pack up my car. Driving home, I turn up the music and sing… loudly. There is no one else in the car to tell me to change the station. No one telling me to be quiet. I sing “Living on a Prayer” just as I imagine Bon Jovi would… if he was a 34 year old housewife that is.

As I pull up to my driveway I see Addi running around the yard. He stops and holds a stick up into the air. He is so still, but his face is beaming. I get out and shut my car door quietly, not wanting to ruin the moment. He stands still for a moment longer, and then starts to spin. His little arms held out and his laughter! It’s loud, and perfect… yes, that is the word that comes to me… Perfect. I feel tears coming to my eyes. Addi has ADHD, and can be a handful. I don’t tell him enough how much I love him. I don’t tell him enough that my world would be less colorful if he wasn’t here.

I lean back on my car and watch for a few more minutes, wanting to run with him, to be free for just a few minutes of the worries of being a mom. And then he sees me and waves.

“Hi mom! Whatcha’ doin’?”

“I just got home. What are YOU doing?” I ask him, hoping he can hear the smile in my voice and the love I have for him in my tone.

“I’m trying to catch a bird, mom! Don’t you see my stick?”

He said it like it should be completely obvious to me, and I had to laugh. Sometimes, the most mundane things, the simplest joys, are the most profound. And how fitting that it takes a child to point that out to us sometimes.

He waved at me once more and ran off… trying to catch a bird.

Why I am choosing to be happy…
I read recently in a magazine that happiness or being happy is a choice that YOU make. And here I thought it depended on how much money you had, or how much you were loved, or what you owned or had accomplished….

After reading that article, I started to think. Well, we aren’t rich, but we certainly aren’t poor. Our kids have a roof over their head (a beautiful roof if I do say so myself…I love my house!) we all have clean clothes to wear, there is always food on the table, and we have enough money to get what we need and then have a bit of fun.

I am loved, so very loved. I have a wonderfully amazing husband (but he does bug the crap out of me sometimes) that believes in my happiness and does what he can to help me achieve that. I have four beautiful little boys, that dote on their mom. I have parents that are there for me, a sister I consider one of my best friends, and I adore my in laws.

I have not accomplished all I want to in my life, but then it still gives me dreams and something to work towards. I imagine the only time I will have no dreams and desires is when I am not breathing anymore. But, I have accomplished a lot. I have learned to love and be loved. I am still learning to understand that not everyone will conform to my way of thinking and that is ok. (though I still beleive there is only ONE right way to load the dishwasher) I am striving to help my children make their mark in this world, and yet teach them independence.