I know I’ve said this to Roy on more than one occasion.  In the past few weeks, I might not have said it, but I’ve certainly thought it!  

Roy loves his new car. I get it.  It’s his baby.  I’m not sure if he has always wanted a car like this, but once we bought it, I think he realized it’s a bit of a dream for him.  It’s certainly the nicest car we’ve ever owned, and because of that, he only wants the best for his ‘new gal.’  My father-in-law joked with me that the car was Roy’s mistress.

Ok, I get it.  What is good enough for my car, isn’t good enough for his car, but, really, the stuff he needs to wash his car costs $25!  Crazy!  (Well, to me it’s crazy, but what do I know about cars?)  He needs something to buff it, to blow the water off of it, and he needs this thing that catches the oil within the engine.  I don’t get it, but I do know… it’s not cheap!  

I will say that Roy isn’t the type to drop a couple hundred dollars without saying something to me.  I do the grocery shopping, and he never asks how much I spend on that, but if I want something I consider a luxury for myself - I won’t buy it without talking to him first either.  And here is the issue…

“Hey, Chris, ” Roy will turn to me, “I think I want this catch can for my car.”

“You want a what?” I ask him only half listening.

“A catch can. It goes in my car…” And he starts to sound like the teacher from Snoopy.

“Yeah, yeah, ” Because I only have one thing on my mind, “How much?”

And then he tells me… GOSH!  Are you serious?  NOTHING for this car is cheap, nothing.  NOTHING…

But, I want him to be happy.  He works hard, rarely says anything about my seriously lacking dusting skills, and he IS indulgent with the boys and I.

So, I budget money for him to get his stuff… $90 here, $200 there, $600 over here… and then I call him selfish.

“Are you serious?” I fuss at him when he tells me he needs fuzzy dice for his car, “You need $200 fuzzy dice?”

DISCLAIMER:  He doesn’t really want $200 fuzzy dice, but if he did, I bet that is how much they would cost for his expensive mistress.

“What?” He looks at me innocently, “You want me to get the $75 dollar dice? You know they will fall apart in a few months!”

He seriously doesn’t get it!

“Why can’t you get the $150 dice?”

“Chris!” And this is where he starts looking at me like I’m the cheapest person in the world… “THOSE aren’t made for my car.  I need the ones specifically made for my car.  They might not swing properly as I screech around the corner trying to impress you!”

I sigh, and shake my head, “Whatever!”

I give him the same look as I give the boys when they tell me they need yet ANOTHER component for their Xbox.  

“What have you bought for me lately?”  Yes, the Janet Jackson song is playing in my head.  I have to refrain myself from doing the head role and getting up to dance.

“I don’t know.  What do you want?” He asks me.

And this is where I pause… “Umm…”

Yeah, I don’t know what I want…. a new purse - no I already have the ones I want.  Some new shoes - no, I hate shopping for shoes.  A new outfit - no, Loft doesn’t have anything that I want in my size…

Yeah, there isn’t a whole lot I want.  And so this is the problem.

I can say, Roy is selfish, but really what did he do that was selfish?  He asked for something he needs for his car?  Why is that selfish?  He doesn’t expect to get his fuzzy dice at the expense of our pantry.  It’s not that I need some expensive surgery, and he is postponing it to buy things for his car.  All he did was mention that he needs something.

If he mentions he needs something, and I say, “Well, we don’t really have the money now.  Can you wait until next week?” He doesn’t throw a fit; he doesn’t accuse me of depriving him - or his mistress. 

On the other hand, if I don’t say anything, if we buy his fuzzy dice now, and then later I throw  it out that, we didn’t do this, this, or this because he had to buy his dice… well, is that fair?

EVERYONE is selfish at some point.  If you say you aren’t, you are LYING.  EVERYONE likes to have their own way; it’s human nature. 

If Roy wants to go to Ruby Tuesday’s and I want to go to Chili’s, the only compromise would be to go to Applebee’s.  Because if we go to Chili’s, Roy is giving in to me, if we go to Ruby’s I am giving in to Roy.  Essentially, one of us is ‘losing.’  That isn’t a compromise.  We, as a species, like to get what we want, when we want it.  That doesn’t make us selfish, that makes us human.

What makes us selfish is if we get our way at the expense of others.  If we insist on our way, and take no one else into consideration, that is being selfish.

And yet, IF we let those closest to us BE selfish, aren’t we at fault as well?  If I let Roy do what he wants, when he wants… if I let him buy whatever he wants, whenever he wants it, and I say nothing, aren’t I at fault too?  How is he supposed to know that my favorite leggings don’t fit me anymore, and I need some new ones? 

He won’t know, unless I say something.  He won’t know that his fuzzy dice will have to wait, unless I take a moment, open my mouth and say something.

Cause trust me… making veiled comments on Facebook isn’t going to cut it.

I am not a big Valentine’s Day person.  I consider myself lucky in that I feel the love from my husband every day.

No, he doesn’t always buy me little gifts. On the other hand, I don’t want them.  If there is something I really want or need, I can get it. I want the little things.

I want him to reach over when we are in bed and rub the back of my neck.

I want him to tell the kids to move, so he can sit next to me on the couch.

I want him to pull me into his lap and lay a big, fat kiss on me.

I want him to open my door for me on date night.

I want him to hold the door for me when we are leaving a restaurant.

I want him to hold my hand when we walk around the mall.

And, I consider myself lucky that Roy does all those things and more.  When I’m exhausted, Roy asks if I want something to eat.  He brushes the kids teeth, and quizzes Hayden on his homework. 

If the kids do something to upset me, he backs me up.  He KNOWS me.  He slows down during a charity run, so he can run with me, and right before we hit the home stretch, when I was about ready to drop, he slipped his hand in mine and gave me that look.

You know the one, ladies. The one that says, “I know you can do this, but whatever happens I have your back.”

So, girls, maybe your guy doesn’t get the gifts right.  He buys you a shirt, and it’s the wrong color (or heaven forbid the wrong size!).  He gets you flowers, but NOT your favorites.  He buys you a card, and only signs his name.

BUT, if he gets things right every other day, does it really matter if he messes up Valentine’s Day?

We ran out first 5K!  And I did better than I expected.  Didn’t win or anything, but I certainly didn’t come in last.

I signed Roy and I up for the Amnesty International Couples 5K.  Roy promised me he would run with me, though I told him he didn’t need to, he was more than welcome to go on ahead, as they add the two times together in the end for an ‘official time.’

But he said it was a COUPLES race, so we would stay together.

Boy, it was cold!  But it was packed. Lots of people all different shapes and sizes came out to support a good cause and to have some fun.  There were a few runners that were obviously in a different class than most of the pack, but they did their thing, and we did ours.

It was easy to get caught up in the beginning.  You want to keep up, and for the first 1/2 mile I did.  But the cold got to me.  I was sure we had been outside enough for our lungs to adjust, but after about 3/4 of a mile my lungs were burning, and I was wheezing.  I slowed to a walk, and gave myself about 25 meters to get my breathing under control.

It reminded me of swimming. I used to hate swimming the mile in a meet, it was such a long race, and it was all about pacing and your breathing.  I went right back to that place and got my breathing under control, and started to jog again.  And for the rest of the race, that is how I went.  I ran more than I walked this time, and for that I am really proud of myself.  Roy stuck right there with me.  He knows I don’t want a cheerleader running next to me, but he did just enough to keep me going.  If I needed to walk, he slowed down with me.

That last mile was rough.  It was on a trail, which I am not used to running, and me being the wuss I am, running downhill on gravel makes me nervous.  I wiped out on something like that before, and it doesn’t feel good on the hands!  But we kept going, and that last hill was a doozy!  My legs were burning, and I tried my best to push as hard as I could.  

In the end, I finished with a time of 37:55.  Roy was right in front of me.  It wasn’t fast, and I know I slowed Roy down a bit, but I had FUN!  It was a first for us, and I am so proud that we did it!

My goal originally was under 45 minutes.  Roy said I should shoot for under 40, I said ok, but secretly I would have been happy with under 45.  And when we turned that last corner, and I saw the big clock, I couldn’t believe it!

37:35…

37:36…

37:37….

It was fitting… as we were finishing up the race Nicki Minaj’s Moment 4 Life was playing on my iPod.  I didn’t win, and it was probably a rather slow time, but I did it!  Our first 5K…

This 37 year old mom of 5 had her little “Moment 4 Life” today… and it feels pretty damn great!

I don’t have all the answers. Hell, one couple in our little town just celebrated their 70th anniversary and even they say they don’t have all the answers. But after almost 14 years together, I know this - My husband can’t read my mind.

In our 13 1/2 years together, I will say this - we have had more good times than bad.  Even the ‘just ok’ times have been pretty darn good for me.  Sure, the big gestures are nice, the extravagant family vacations are wonderful, and the kids love to reminisce, but the little things are pretty cool too.

The way Roy smells when he crawls into bed at night.  The way he rolls over at night and seeks me out even while asleep.  Joe playing squinkies (if you don’t know what they are, where have you been?!) with Dean.  Corey taking Addi out for Chinese food.  Hayden slamming into the house, cheeks red from the chill in the air.

Roy spending the day (yes, the entire day…) washing his car, while I read silly blurbs to him from my women’s magazines.  Or finding a movie the whole family digs and sitting around the family room with them watching it.

BUT, Roy won’t know how much these little things mean to me, unless I tell him.  It isn’t that he’s clueless… far from it.  It isn’t that he’s dumb… he’s one of the most intelligent men I know.  It’s that after being together for this long and having five boys, I finally realized men just don’t see things the way we do.

There were times in the past when this made me CRAZY!  Roy and I would get into a fight, or my mom would hurt me, and I would go to Roy fussing and venting.  He would do one of two things. Tell me how to ‘fix’ the problem (UMM… excuse me!  Are you implying you’re smarter than I am?  I didn’t ask you to fix anything!). Or he would stare at me and say as little as possible (HELLO!  McFly, anyone in there?). Both approaches DROVE ME NUTS.

And yet, if I have EVER sat Roy down and said, “Look, I really need you to do this, this and this for me.  It would mean a lot, and I need you,” he has NEVER let me down.  Sure sometimes, we can’t do this, this and this.  Sometimes he doesn’t do it the exact way I pictured, but he has always tried, and he tries for me.

Men can’t read our minds, and that doesn’t make them bad or wrong… it just makes them different.  

There is a lot to be said for being in a relationship with someone that ‘gets you.’  No, not someone that gets you flowers, or gets you a gift at Christmas - though both are wonderfully nice.  What I’m talking about is someone that anticipates what you are thinking, they KNOW what will set you off, and they know what will make your heart melt.

Now, there is a downside here as well.  Knowing someone that intimately means you also know what will push their buttons.  You know the quickest way to induce rage, and in some circumstances, you will use that knowledge as ammunition.

I have been known to do that with Roy.  Can’t say I’m proud of that.  Roy doesn’t like conflict. On the other hand, I NEVER back down from it (again, not always a good trait to possess).  If something or someone bothers me, 9 times out of 10 I am going to tell them exactly that.  I do try to start off the conversation in a way that doesn’t come across as being confrontational, but if I don’t get results, I charge ahead, both guns blazing.

I will say for the most part, I don’t regret being this way.  I don’t think anything is ever solved by saying nothing.  In fact, sweeping things under the rug is often detrimental to relationships, as the next time there is an issue, you run the risk of boiling over, and EVERY little thing that you have been holding on to comes spewing to the surface.  Having relationships like that makes for a lot of disharmony and yelling.  Not healthy as I learned last year.

On the other hand, there comes a time when you have to let go of things, and Roy definitely is better at that than I am.  Forgiving is not my strong suit. Wrong me once, and you will probably do it again. And unless you are a truly special person, perhaps you aren’t worth holding on to, and I should cut this relationship off at the knees while I’m still standing.

Anyways, for me, it can be disconcerting to have someone that knows me as well as Roy knows me.  He knows what makes me tick. He knows what is going to get to me. Though I think he is still under the illusion that pissing me off might get him what he wants, because I want to prove him wrong. How wrong he is, telling me I don’t do this or that will only make me dig in harder. I’ll just show you that you’re right by not doing this or that, and I’ll put a cherry on top by not only avoiding what you want me to do, but I won’t talk to you either!

And though, it can be bothersome knowing Roy knows me inside and out, there are the moments when I am reminded how wonderful it really is.  When he knows exactly what I need without me having to tell him, especially when I am sick.  When we were in Georgia this past weekend, for example.  He knew I needed to rest. He knows I like it quiet when I do that, but he also knows how it makes me feel when he checks on me.  When he just takes a few minutes to make sure I know that HE knows how poorly I feel.  He came into the room, and tucked the blanket around me more securely.  He kissed my cheek and smoothed my hair back from my head.  Not enough to wake me or bother me, but just enough to remind me that he knows what is going on and hasn’t forgotten about me.

Yes, there is a lot to be said for having a relationship like that, but it takes work.  It took years for us to get there, and it takes work to sustain it.  Resting on our laurels would create an air of complacency, and while I am trying to enjoy the moments of quiet security (the feeling of being so completely happy and in love), I also know that getting lazy in our relationship can easily breed an atmosphere where Roy and I could start to take each other for granted.

Marriage isn’t easy. In fact, I liken it to walking a tightrope.  Lean over too far either way, and you will fall.  Stand still and balance and you become stuck.  You have to put one foot in front of the other to get anywhere.  Marriage is the same way - living life day to day never sharing anything new, never seeking to learn more about your partner (whether you have been together 10 weeks or 10 years), is living still. And I prefer to move forward.  I just thank my lucky stars I found someone willing to hold my hand and help me on that journey.

37 years… That’s how old (young?) I am, and I HOPE I’ve learned a thing or two during my almost 4 decades.

I’ve been married twice and had five boys along the way. I can’t say that my first marriage was completely wrong. I got two beautiful and amazing boys out of it, but if I am being honest, we weren’t suited.  I was young, and I thought marriage was the right thing to do.  After all, I was having a baby with the guy, so marriage is a given, right?  Well let me tell ya… you don’t have to be married to be good parents.  What you do have to do is keep your head on straight and understand that a pregnancy doesn’t equal love.

I won’t say that I didn’t love my ex either. I did, but looking back it isn’t the kind of love I have for Roy, my current husband.  There was a companionship, at one time, with my ex.  But while I certainly consider Roy my best friend, more importantly he is my lover, my confidant, my protector, the father of my children, and so very much more.

I can tell you the exact moment I knew I would fall in love with Roy.  I can also tell you the exact moment I let myself fall in love with him.  After 13 years, I remember our first date, our second, our third, and so many after that.  I remember what it was like the first time we slept together, and I remember how heartbreaking our first big fight was.

There was one time when Roy thought I didn’t have his back.  A young lady we were both friends with accused him of not treating me well (she was very wrong), and I didn’t shut her down fast enough.  He was heart broken and wanted to break up. (I know, young love, right?) For just a moment, I felt like my heart was breaking, but we worked it out.

I remember what it was like when we found out I was pregnant with Addi, and I remember how in awe Roy was the first time he held him.  I remember bringing him home, and getting ready to move out of Roy’s parents house into our first house.  I remember our first big family trips (Germany and Disney World!) and how terrified I was to get on the plane, but Roy held my hand and wiped my tears, never saying one word.  He didn’t ridicule my fear, nor did he try to brush them away. He simply held my hand and told me he was there.

I remember finding out I was pregnant with Hayden (on one of those big trips), and then moving to our new house.  I remember convincing him to have another baby, and I remember our joint frustration when getting pregnant with Dean seemed to take so long (about a year).  I remember his worry when I had problems with my last pregnancy, his frustration with the doctors since they couldn’t find the cause, and his relief when I delivered a healthy little boy (we didn’t mind having ‘another’ boy; we just wanted a healthy baby).

And I remember the little things.  The first time he kissed me, what he wore on our first date, the way he caught my eye as my dad walked me down the aisle, and his whispered words to me as he took my hand.  I remember the twinkle in his eyes when we share a private joke, and how he looks right before he starts laughing.

I remember the first time he met Corey and Joey and the easy way he took to them, and the way they took to him.

I see the pride in his eyes when one of the older boys (any of the boys, really) says, “I love you, Dad.” to him, and the happiness he feels when he knows they mean it.

And every day, I see the love on his face when he smiles at me.  I feel the tenderness in his kiss when he kisses me good night.

He is a wonderful father, a great husband, and a good provider.  But marriage is more than just ‘the basics.’  So when you meet a man that makes you feel all of this and more.  When you meet a man that gets you without you saying a word.  When you meet a man that loves you for who are you, NOT for who you MIGHT become… THAT is the man you marry.

Until then, just be you.  Love yourself, your friends and know that love will find you, you don’t need to search it out with your every breath.  You might have to take a chance and open your heart, you might have to trust your gut… but when you know, you KNOW.  

I am sure I did a post talking about this show in the past, but I just watched an episode of Medium, and I couldn’t help thinking that this is one of the best couples on TV!  I say that because I read recently that CBS might cancel the show, and I am hoping it doesn’t, because Allison and Joe Dubois (played by Patricia Arquette and Jake Weber) have one of the best “relationships” on TV.  I know it’s just TV, but I enjoy a show even more when I can relate to the main characters.  The Dubois’ have three girls, and while for the most part I only deal with my boys (I do have a stepdaughter, but she does not live with us full time), I know what it’s like to worry about your kids, to worry about money, about their safety, etc.  I like that the show portrays the characters as realistically as they can on TV.  They have problems, they fight, they go through dry spells, etc. - things most of us go through in our own marriages.  And in the end, Joe and Allison rely on the love they have for one another to pull themselves up and get through whatever life (or the writers of the show) throw at them.  As a viewer it makes it easier for me to connect to the characters, and to really enjoy a show, connecting to the characters is what I have to do.

Sons of Anarchy is another one of my favorites, and while I admit to having little to no idea if the show realistically portrays the life of an MC (that would be Motorcycle Club, NOT master of ceremony), I do like the underlying notion in the show that family sticks together… period.  The show is violent, I will admit that, but there is a loyal group of people that stick together, and Gemma Teller Morrow (played by the simply amazing Katey Sagal) is the Mama Bear that holds the men steady.  Ron Perlman (whom Joe loves) plays her husband, Clay Morrow, the president of the club.  He is a violent, hard man, but the love he has for his wife is easily seen on Clay’s face.  You would think a show like this would rarely inspire tears, but two episodes did just that for me.  Gemma was the victim of a violent sexual assault, but the way it was portrayed was simply striking.  Gemma knew that if her “boys found out, it would be war, so she kept it to herself, also fearing that if he knew, her husband wouldn’t want to touch her again.  Well, when she finally told him, it was a heart breaking scene - one that clearly shows why this is easily one of the best shows on TV today.  I like the sense of loyalty the group on this show has - the strength they pull from one another.

I won’t ever be a psychic, and I will never be an outlaw biker, but in this day of constant movement, being pulled this way and that way, it is nice to escape for 45 minutes, and when I can do that with a show that hits home in some way… well, that makes it so much better!