Roy just sent me the transcript of Steven Jobs’ commencement speech to Stanford University graduates in 2005.  I cried.  So much of what he said was spot on.  I hope those young men and women that were lucky enough to hear that speech took something away from it.  And it reminded me of something else…

Aside from Roy and the boys I have two other true passions - writing and coaching.  I loved coaching.  I loved looking at those kids and seeing them pick up a new stroke.  I loved seeing their faces when they took time off their events, and I was so proud of them when they were able to shake off a bad swim.

I coached one of the local high school swim teams for a few years and worked with a really great group of kids.  They were dedicated and not afraid of hard work.  Many of them were year round swimmers (they swam with a ‘club team’ as well as for the high school), and they knew the drill.  But some of them came out because they wanted to  be a part of something.  A few were there because they wanted to stay in shape for another sport… I didn’t care. I just wanted them to work as hard as they could.  I would get in the pool with them if I had to, show them what to do, and even manipulate their arms and legs if that is what it took.  There was one boy that joined because he wanted to stay in shape for football, and he didn’t like the basketball coach.  The boy was amazing!  I would put his dive up against an Olympic swimmer any day of the week, and he ended up going to states for breaststroke.  Another young lady was born with cerebral palsy and wanted to see if swimming could help her lose some weight.  She wasn’t fast. In fact, she was usually the last one out of the pool, but she was so happy to just be given the chance to be a part of the team that she didn’t care.  She would drop a second or two every meet, and the pride on her face is something I still remember almost 6 years later.

Every year the kids were allowed to design a shirt.  The boosters had it printed up, and they sold it to help raise money for the team.  

Our first meet was coming up, and I had a lot of new swimmers.  They were scared, and I could tell the meet was going to overwhelm them.

In practice we focus on technique.  If you are new to the sport of swimming, you will often hear about all the little things that can and will get you disqualified in a swim meet.  It’s overwhelming and a little crazy, and I could see that was getting to them.

“You should say something to them.” My assistant coach took me aside and whispered in my ear.

“What?” I was confused.  I was working with the stronger kids that day, trying to get relay teams in order.

“They are all nervous.  Say something. You’re good at that.”

Hmm… ok.  I stood there for a few minutes and then pulled everyone out.

“Out!  Let’s go!  Go sit down.”  I yelled at the kids as they swam into the wall.

Once everyone was seated.  I looked at this group of about 70 kids and noticed a group scared s**tless.  Here was a bunch of kids that was afraid of letting themselves down. They were afraid of letting their teammates down, of letting us down.  We were swimming against a big school with a team of over 100 kids, and here we were struggling to get all 70 of our kids to just come to practice.

“Swim Ugly.”  I yelled at them.

They stopped talking and looked at me like I was an idiot.

“What?” One of the kids asked me.

“Swim Ugly.” I repeated, “Stop worrying about technique… that will come.  Stop worrying about the Stroke and Turn judges, they’ll either DQ you for a mistake, or they won’t.  If it’s your first meet, get in the pool and finish the race… just finish it, and we’ll go from there.  If you’re one of my vets, get in the pool and show the new guys how much fun a meet can be.  Swim Ugly, and we’ll go from there.”

The kids nodded at me, and I wondered if I sounded like a moron.  I am sure they wanted something more profound, but we only had another 15 minutes or so in the water.

Our swim meet was about six days away.

I lived about an hour from the pool, and I was running late the night of our first meet.  I ran into the pool cussing and dropping my stuff.  I walked into the pool area as my team was being called out.  Four teams were competing, and since it was the first meet, they made a big production about everything.  The teams walked out in front of the bleachers that were filled with parents… clapping and foot stomps shook the building.  The kids were smiling and laughing… ok good!  And our team banner was held high and waved with pride.

And then I noticed their shirts.  The kids told me they hadn’t decided on a design, but it wasn’t a big deal. We could get them for the next meet.  I was so busy with paperwork and meet entries I let it all slide.  But as they walked nearer to me I saw that they did indeed have new shirts on.

Why wasn’t I told?  And then the four boys that made up my strongest relay team ran forward and turned around.

There on the back of their shirts were the words: SWIM UGLY.

I smiled, and that night they did indeed swim ugly. 

I don’t think what I said was anywhere near as profound as what Steve Jobs said, but words mean something to minds willing to hear them. And I think that was my own little moment with my swimmers.

Please excuse me if I sound preachy. I wanted to get that out there in advance, but this is something I feel strongly about, so here goes!

I am only going to speak in depth about two sports, since Roy and I both have coaching in our backgrounds. I actually coached for compensation-swimming to be specific. I have been around the pool since… lord, well let’s just say longer than I care to mention in exact years, but less than 35 years (a little less than 35 years). I swam competitively for years, and I know my mom looked at it as a way to keep me busy, to keep me out of trouble, and a way for me to get into college. I think my dad just wanted us (meaning my sister and I) to be happy. I love the pool, I love swimming. To be honest, for awhile I hated it, those last few years I swam. It wrecked havoc on my body-my shoulders to be exact, and it took up so much time that I had no life. So I quit, and for years wanted nothing to do with swimming, until one day I read an ad in a local paper. A summer swim team was looking for a coach. I applied, and got the position. I loved coaching. I loved being around the pool again, I loved working with the kids, and I loved being a part of all the good that swimming brought into my life.

When you coach you have to be prepared that on every team there are a few “bad apples.” Most of the time it’s kids that are there for the wrong reasons, or maybe their just having a bad day, but SOMETIMES it’s the parents.

I have boys, and I found it very easy to bond with the young men I coached with. Many of them looked at me like a surrogate mother, or an older sister. I remember one young man in particular. NO ONE wanted to coach him-he was difficult, he didn’t’ listen..but I saw something in him. One day he asked me to go to the restroom, and I said sure… only to get caught up in the practice. Next thing I know, 20 minutes had passed and no sign of my swimmer. I sent another young man to get him, and he came back with his friend and a sheepish grin on his face. I sat him out, and when I had a moment I asked him what his problem was. He gave me the standard answer, but I pushed. Finally he told me that he had ADHD and had to take medication for it. I already knew that and asked him if that was all. He was quiet for a moment and finally said, “I won’t be like my brother.” Apparently his brother was a very talented swimmer, but he had some problems that eventually led to issues with the law. MY swimmer said he felt like everyone compared him to his older brother, and he wondered… Are they talking about his talent in the pool? Or the fact that he got into trouble? This young man was confused, and here was a chance for me to make a difference. I told him none of that mattered to me, he was a good swimmer and a good kid and let’s just do what we came here to do. I found that asking him about school, about homework, even teasing him about a young lady he liked worked wonders. And a year later, when he came up to me at a high school meet, he quietly thanked me for seeing HIM. That’s all he said. A few meets later, his mother thanked me as well. And that is what we, as coaches hope to see, hope to be a part of. Most of the time we are lucky, we have parents like the one I just spoke of, or parents that sit quietly on the sidelines, but every once in awhile we get a “pool parent.” (as I called them) They know the right way to coach their kids, (even though they can’t tell ya all four competitive strokes.), no matter what you do, you’re doing it wrong, or maybe (especially in summer swim) their child can’t really swim and they are looking for some cheap swim lessons, but then can’t understand why you don’t have an hour to devote solely to their child. Well, parents… swim TEAM is NOT swim LESSONS. To be on a team, your child needs to be able to swim! They don’t need to be Michael Phelps, but they shouldn’t need water wings to stay afloat either! Ok.that’s out of my system.

Let’s move on to football… I will be the first to admit, I don’t know much about the sport. Roy has coached for four seasons, and I only recently learned what offsides meant. (I don’t know… is it one word or two?) But here is where I have been treated to some WILD behavior. I don’t know how the other coaches coach, but I do know how my husband runs his practices. Since it is just flag football, Hayden plays, and the kids are only five and six, he is all about having a good time, while teaching them the basics. I have watched football on TV, been to games, I KNOW it can get rough. And I am ok with that… because I HOPE the coaches teach the kids the right way to block, the right way to tackle, etc. Yes, sometimes we will get hurt, we will get banged up, but it isn’t because someone hurt you on purpose. I don’t look at football as a way for kids to take out their aggression. Yes, you might have had a bad day, but that doesn’t mean you get on the field and take it out on your opponent. You respect one another, you respect the talent the other team brings to the field, and hopefully they will do the same.

But how do we do that, when parents tell their kids to knock someone out? To slam their face into the ground? What do we do when the other coach says that and cheers on players that actively hurt kids on the other team? I know what my husband did this Saturday.

Since the kids are playing flag football, the coaches are allowed on the field, just as means to help the kids out. My husband heard a coach (who was upset how the game was turning out) tell his young player to “hit him and knock him on his a$$.” He called the coach on it before the play started, only to be met with a rude comment from the other coach. So, Roy backed off… come to find out, OUR son was the child that was the recipient of that stellar coaching. My son WAS knocked over and then… punched. Again, I am no wuss… I know football can get rough… but since when is football about punching or throwing elbows? Is it considered weak for one coach to talk to the other coach if there is an issue on the field? Is it the cool thing to do-teaching kids to be overly aggressive rather than solving an issue the correct way? As a parent, I was furious when my son came off the field crying because someone punched him in the face. As a mother, I was enraged to hear that the other coach was cheering for his player because my son was crying. And as the coaches wife, I was ashamed that other coaches seem to be doing whatever they can to undo all the good Roy and a few other coaches are trying to bring to this league for the kids.

Coaches and parents… sports should be FUN. If your child isn’t enjoying it there is a problem. That creates resentment, which is just a fabulous breeding ground for bad blood to start flowing. And before you know it, you have a kid that does whatever he can to make those around him miserable. Sports are a way for kids to learn discipline, team work, hard work, but it should also be about making friends, and having fun. Parents, remember a lot of these coaches are volunteers. They don’t get paid, and in fact may put a lot of their own money into the teams, but they do it because they care. Because they think they can bring something to the table FOR the kids. Coaches, remember there are rules. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things, and when you do things the wrong way, know THAT is what the kids will see.

Ok… I’ll step off my soapbox now.

on well….my life! I don’t remember the last time I posted, but a lot has happened!

I finished another season with the high school swim team….another season, another batch of kids that I will lose. I say lose because some of my swimmers will graduate. There are always a few kids that I become close too, always a few that remind me in some ways of my own children, though I refuse to believe I could be the mother of a 17 year old! It is tough for me to remember that I won’t have them on the team next year, that I will watch them swim their last race for me. But in the end, I am so proud of the high school team.

But perhaps the biggest news is that we are hoping to add to our family! in October my husband and I decided to have one more baby….we are hoping that it will be ‘natural’ meaning I will get pregnant, and in nine months or so we will have a baby…..but a part of me feels let down every month when the PMS sets in. I wake up one morning and realize….”Well, maybe next month.” Only to realize that I am getting older, and it won’t get any easier. I have to ask myself…how far do I want to push this? We originally said we would try for eight months, what if eight months comes and I am still not pregnant…do I want to renegotiate the terms with my husband? Do I want to see a specialist? Or do I accept the fact that my body gave us four beautiful boys, and it can’t do it again? My husband, my sister, even my mother (who was VERY surprised that I wanted another child) tells me I am not that old…that I have plenty of time; but I woke up this morning…only to realize four months have gone by. I will be 33 next month….IF I can’t get pregnant do I want to be 40 and still trying? Can I let this go?

Now, of course to some it would seem I am being melodramatic…but any woman that has decided to have a baby knows, when you realize that another month has gone by and you are not pregnant…it hurts. It just hurts….

On to some more upbeat news…we are trying to decide if the baby, though not so much a baby anymore, is ready for preschool. Two mornings a week…not a big deal, but I can’t imagine dropping him off with his little backpack and saying goodbye to my baby! With each boy it was hard for me to say goodbye…to put them on that bus for the first time, or to drop them off at school and realize I was not their teacher for the day. I want my kids to have every opportunity, and if we can give them even a little leg up shouldn’t we do that?

The past few months have been busy…but a good busy. I feel like my marriage has gotten stronger, my kids are getting older, and my life is getting better. I feel….blessed.

You can’t please all of the people all of the time, but there are some people you can’t please ANY of the time!!

I coach swimming, and I love my job. Right now I coach a summer league team (short season, only about seven weeks) and I coach for one of the local high schools. I think I am a good coach. I have a lot of experience, I have children of my own and I think the whole mom vibe works well for me, and most of all…I love what I do. I love the water, I love the kids, and I love seeing them excited to learn new things, I love seeing them complete that last lap of a 500 Meter freestyle and the smile of satisfaction that lights up their face.

What I do NOT love is the attitude that some people bring to the (pool) deck. I, and maybe this is naive of me, think that I am hired to do a job, one I take great pride in. Because I am hired to do that job, I would think that the parents trust me to do this job I have been hired for….however, I find out that is not the case EVERY season, and EVERY season I am surprised to find this out! You would think after seven years it would be old hat by now, and nothing would surprise me….but that just isn’t the case. You have the parents of the struggling seven year old…the little boy that is just happy to get across the pool, and mom and dad are wondering why I am not throwing him into every event at the swim meets. You have the parents of the older child, that thinks their child can not do 4 laps in a meet. Nevermind that this child does 50+ laps in practice, in a meet they just can’t do it. And yet, it isn’t nerves, but something else. Well…what is it?! I mean if this child has a physical ailment, I would like to know what it is, so that I don’t overwork them, or if something happens in practice I am prepared for it.

And let’s not forget the “I used to swim, so I know what I am doing” Parent. You used to swim…Great! So, did I, and now I am the one coaching…not you, so please have some faith in me.

I am sure this all sounds naive, that after this many years, and this many seasons, I should be prepared for this, I should expect this. But there is still that little spark inside me that things…this MIGHT be it…this might be the season that ALL the ducks fall into a row…and I kind of figure, when that spark is gone, well, when I lose that spark I think it’s time for me to stop coaching.