I just want to brag a bit here.

“Mama?”

“What Sweetie?”

“You Pretty.”

“Ohh…thank you, Dean!  You’re gorgeous.”

That’s our thing…we play this game at least three times a day, and if I deviate from the script he calls me on it.

“Mama?”

“Yes?”

“You Pretty.”

“Ohh..thank you, sweetie!  I love you!”

“NO, Mama, you say I gorgeous!”

And then today, at Target (Dean’s favorite outing!) we saw “Marie Claire” in the magazine section. 

“Mama!” Dean grabbed a copy and ran over to me, “It’s Jess!”

Sure enough, Zooey Deschanel was on the cover.

“That’s right!  It is Jess, but mommy already has that issue.”

“Oh, you have?” He looked up at me, “At home?”

I wondered if I was going to have to dig it out of my giveaway box for him.

I looked at my little boy, surely he is Zooey Deschanel’s youngest fan.  I smiled as he gazed at her picture on the magazine cover.

“Mama?”

“Hmmm?”

“You beautiful.” He handed me the magazine to put up, and hugged me. “Put it down! Let’s go look at Skylanders.”

My Dean, he knows who his favorite lady is!

I just finished reading a post on Blogher that well, I found a tad insulting.

And before I begin let me say this, there’s nothing wrong with having an opinion different than the person next to you.  There’s nothing wrong with sharing that opinion, but sometimes how you phrase things can make a world of difference.

Basically, this mother is saying she refuses to let her children attend (the children in question are 7, 9 and 12) sleepovers because she doesn’t trust other parents.

Though I think that is overly simplistic.  It’s fine to be leery of people you don’t know, but to say you don’t trust a person you don’t know is hmm…what’s the right word here?  Silly, ridiculous…I don’t know.  I’m not saying you have to trust the person down the road with your life, but if they haven’t done anything to make you not trust them, well, what the heck if the problem?

I always thought trust was earned.  It was something I gave someone because they’ve shown me they are trustworthy.  It isn’t something you have from me, until you lose it.  If I don’t know you, my trust was never yours to lose in the first place!  On the other hand, children are by nature social creatures.  They want to run, jump and play-and I completely dig that my children HAVE friends, so guess what…I make it a point to know their parents.  Will I ever know every sordid little detail about them?  NO, but guess what I don’t know every sordid little detail about my husband and my parents either!  And my husband and my parents are three of the people I trust most in this world-the other three being my inlaws and my sister…and guess what?  I don’t know all their dirty secrets either!

See, I learned a long time ago to trust my gut when it came to my kids.  If something felt off, I listened, and it has served me well.  Have my kids led mistake free, perfect lives..heck no, but guess what?  I think they are doing just fine, despite all of that.

And let’s move on to the next issue.  The author basically said she is leery of teenage boys, unless she knows you.  Umm…I bet all those women who were married to men that abused their children thought they knew their husband’s too!  Am I being bitchy?  Probably, but to live under the assumption that it’s only the people you DO NOT know that you have to worry about, is ridiculous, especially when most cases of rape/molestation the victim knew their attacker.  (I am not positive of the statistic, but when I visited the rape counseling center, I think it was something like 57%)  It is also ridiculous if not downright insulting to assume that it’s ONLY teenage boys you need to worry about.  

It’s ridiculous to assume that a home with two gay fathers/mother’s is MORE sketchy than a home with a more ‘traditional’ set of parents.

I personally, don’t care if you don’t let your kid come to my house for playdates, or sleepevers-less work for me.  But I WOULD be insulted if the reason is because you don’t trust me, especially if you don’t even know me well enough to make that call.

Perhaps it’s simply semantics or wording-it isn’t the fact that you dont’ trust me, it’s that you don’t KNOW me.  Ok, so get to know me, get to know the parents of the kids your children like to play with-seems like common sense to me.

But what I worry about as a mom, is putting my own fears, my own hang ups on my children.  I was sexually assaulted at the age of 17.  Was it my fault?  No, but I would be lying if I said that I willingly put myself into a bad spot.  And because of that experience, I wonder if a part of me isn’t happy I don’t have girls.  I wonder if I had a daughter/s if I would be MORE protective of them.  Would I put my experiences onto them, and hold them to a different standard than my boys?

Sitting here, right now, I don’t think I would, mainly because I don’t raise cowards. Again, bitchy, probably, but it’s the truth.  I’m not going to raise my children to fear the unknown, or to live in fear because something happened to me.  I’m not going to deny my children a new experience because something MIGHT happen.  If we want to play that game, why are public schools still open?  Why do we still let teenagers drive?  Why do we still sell guns to private citizens?

Life happens, and as much as you want to protect your children, sheltering them isn’t always the answer.  Saying you trust no one and living as if the boogie man is around every corner creates young adults that are being sent out into the world with a skewed view of said world.  It’s setting them up for a life of solitude and fear.  Is that a guarantee?  Of course not, but I’m willing to bet if you don’t teach your kids HOW to trust they are gonna have some issues!

I told Dean I wasn’t sure what to write about today. 

“What should Mommy write today for her blog?” I asked.

“Hmmmm… Numbers.” He replied.

“I should write about numbers?”

“Yes.” Dean answered me matter of factly.

So, here goes:

5 - The number of boys that we have. It’s also the number of tats I currently have.

13 - Roy and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary this December.

122 - The amount we used to pay for cable TV. (OUCH!)

29 - The amount we currently pay for Hulu Plus and Netflix. (NICE!  Almost 100 dollars in savings!)

230 - The amount I pay every month for our cell service. (Boy that’s a lot; is everyone’s that expensive?)

24 - The number of years I will be involved with the school system.

52 - The number of days until the boys are out for Summer break.

130 - The number of days I have left until I’m sipping a Chicory Coffee in NOLA.

131 - The number of days I have left until I’m sipping a DOTD (Drink of the Day) onboard the Carnival Conquest.

425 - The number of items Hayden had in his Amazon wish list until I purged it this morning. (Seriously, what does this say about me as a mom?  Am I overly indulgent?  How many toys does this boy want?!)

1 - The number of jackets I have lost recently. And the weird thing?  Someone picked it up and took it!  Why would they want it?  It was sweaty, as I jog in it sometimes, old… ratty… I wouldn’t even sell it at a yard sale!

15 - The number of shows we have in our Hulu Plus queue.

4 - The number of shows in our Hulu Plus queue that I really want to watch… wait, it’s more like 6… yeah, that sounds about right.

1 - the number of times I’ve really been in love. ;)

That’s what some friends of ours said in regards to our teens.

We have three teenagers at home.  WOW!  Three… just a few weeks ago it was two teenagers at home, and now we have three.

Anyways, we were talking about a woman we both know, and I mentioned that her daughter is VERY different when mommy is not around.  Jekyll and Hyde in fact, and I just don’t like that.  A few years ago this young lady was hounding Addi - calling him names, pushing him, etc.  When Addi finally spoke up, he was the bad one.  And while I understand he was partly at fault in that one instance, what about all the other instances?

Our friends comment was, “Yeah, but aren’t most kids like that? They are completely different when we’re not around.”

And I got to thinking, “Gosh, I hope our kids aren’t!”

I would be a fool to think that they don’t act a bit differently when they are with their friends.  They might cuss a bit more, talk about things they don’t normally talk about with mom and dad (video games and sex spring to mind), but I hope they aren’t a completely different person.

I hope they wouldn’t berate another child just because mom or dad isn’t there to remind them that it isn’t ok to do that.

I hope they wouldn’t pick fights just because we aren’t there to tell them that walking away is sometimes the best policy.

We hope they don’t engage in behaviors that they know wouldn’t be acceptable at home (drinking, unsafe sex, etc.), but if they do (in regards to drinking that is) we hope they don’t take it a step further and drive home.

I don’t know… I just don’t buy the whole “well, teens will be teens” as an excuse for poor behavior.  

Being a teenager isn’t an excuse for hurting someone else.  It isn’t an excuse for dismissing those that care about you, that love you.

How does being between the ages of 13 and 19 exempt you from behaving with some dignity, grace and respect?  How does being a teen mean you get a pass when it comes to rudeness?

Sure, I think when you are between the ages of 13 and 18 ( I say 18, because around that age many kids are in college, have moved out, or maybe even joined the military) it’s a good time to explore your boundaries.  It’s a good time to make mistakes (NOT act stupid) because most kids have someone there that can help them pick up the pieces.  Most kids have someone there that can explain what they did wrong and what they could do differently next time.

On the other hand, that doesn’t mean you get a free pass to behave like a jerk because someone is there to clean up your mess.

A little girl is often thought of as playing “house” when she is little.  People imagine that she dreams of her wedding day.  She and her friends will play “marriage” and take turns being the bride.  As they grow up, become a teenager, we imagine them talking with their friends about the type of wedding they want - their colors, what type of wedding dress they want, what song they will dance to for their first dance.  And they start imagining if the boy they are dating would be a good husband, a good father.

We want our daughters to fall in love with a good person.  Someone that will treat them with respect, that will cherish them.

But what about our boys?  Do we think about the type of person we want them to be with?  Do we hope that they will find a good person.

How many articles and interviews have we read or heard that says women still earn less in the workplace for doing the exact same job?  Are female athletes paid as much as male athletes?  There ARE double standards, but what about the ones that effect our boys?

Before I go any further, I will admit it - I have boys.  I think like the mother of boys.  So if I am biased, I apologize in advance, but I am posting this as a means to open up discussions.

Ok, let me give you an example…

Boy and girl are dating. They break up.  The details aren’t important, but how many times have you heard this:

“OMG!  I hate him, he is such a jerk.  What a d**k!”

“Oh, what happened?  What did he do?”

Now, what about this:

“What a B***H!”

“Watch your mouth!  Now tell me what happened.”

Our first instinct is to appease the young woman, to coddle her, and make her feel better.  To reassure her that it’s him (or her if she is a lesbian) and not her.

BUT, with our boys, we want to make sure that they don’t call a woman the dreaded “B” word or demean her, AND THEN we are willing to listen to their story. At least that is the story I hear most often.

Why do father’s babysit - instead of just take care of their kids? Why are SAHDs treated differently?  (I don’t know this for a fact; this is what I have heard; not really close with any SAHD.) Why do we stress that women can be doctors too, but a male nurse is something to ridicule?

And a big question for me - why do we tolerate a woman slapping a man, but not the other way around?  I have had this discussion with my friends before, and I hear lots of answers:

“Oh, men deserve it more!”  Really?  Have you met some of these women?

“Oh, men are stronger!” Really?  I think I’m pretty strong, and I know I can throw down.

And my favorite - “Well, we just do!”  Again, really? Why?

Now, I’m not saying we should encourage our sons to go around treating girls like crap or harm them or get into a brawl. No, my issue is we want equality, so why do we tolerate it when our girls treat boys poorly?

I have seen countless girls wearing shirts that say”Boys Suck!” And we laugh them off, How many shirts have you seen that say, “Girls Suck!”

Do we want equality, or do we prefer the right to have the way we disrespect men overlooked, even applauded?

And because these are sensitive topics, I will do my best to tread lightly.

First - Marriage isn’t for everyone.  I understand that, and just because I am happily married, doesn’t mean I think the next person needs to be.  Just because I adore my children, doesn’t mean I think everyone needs to have children to be complete.  You tell me you don’t want kids, cool… I have no problem with that.  You don’t think marriage is for you, awesome… don’t get married.  BUT, at my age, almost 38, I have some old friends from high school, that don’t seem to get how old we are.  There is something sad about an adult that can’t embrace who they are now.  It is even sadder when they not only reject who they are now, but they can’t seem to get out of the past.  I’m not saying a 38 year old (man OR woman) can’t date a 23 year old and be happy, but dating a 23 year old doesn’t mean you ARE 23.  You are a 38 year old, dating a 23 year old.  High school was fine, our early 20’s were fine, but guess what?  Our late 30’s can be pretty damn awesome too.  Embrace your age, whatever age that might be.  Embrace the now, embrace who you are at this moment, and think with excitement towards the future.  Remember the past - the good times and the bad - but don’t get stuck there.

Second - I was lucky when I had my three youngest. With the older two boys, I was young, didn’t have a very good support system, and I gave up nursing too soon.  With the three younger boys, I was lucky to have Roy.  He supported my decision to nurse, and he helped any way he could.  If he was awake, he would bring the baby to me; he helped with diaper changes.  If I was sick, he bottlefed the boys, so I could rest at night.  My mom understood my decision better at this point and encouraged me. She even bought me some lovely blankets to cover up with when we were out.  Roy’s mom was all for it as well.  I had help and support.  When I was worried about my milk, I knew who to call.  I also was secure enough as a mother to trust my instincts.  I didn’t buy into that ‘get the baby on a strict schedule’ routine. Nope, sorry, doesn’t work with newborns.  And this is where it gets touchy for me - I was also in a position where money wasn’t an issue.  If I needed formula, I went to the store and bought some.  If I wanted to pump, Roy took me to the store, and we looked at pumps.  But what about mothers who ARE on a tight budget?  I know that WIC provides formula for children under the age of 1.  I also know that not every woman is in a position to nurse - maybe you are a single mom and you have to work; maybe you simply aren’t comfortable nursing.  And that’s ok. We all have to do what we feel is best for our children.  But what about young mother’s that are open to the idea?  Are there support systems out there?  When you go to the WIC agency, does anyone ask if you are interested in nursing and offer guidance in regards to that? 

I have listened to, seen, read, and heard a lot about gay families lately.  States want the right to block adoptions by gay couples (won’t even get into what bull crap this is!), but what I have found so lovely to read are stories about families with gay children where things are just… normal.

I read an article on the Huffington Post about a young man that dated his partner for over two years before finally getting up the courage to come out to his parents.  His partner simply loved him and was there for him, but his parents… they just wanted him to be happy.  His extended family joked around with his partner, ribbed him, played football with him, and just welcomed him as they would any other boyfriend/girlfriend.  Things were normal.

A young man tells his story of being raised by two mothers - they fought, they punished him when he was bad, helped him with his homework… it was normal.

A video of a young couple telling their two dads that they are going to be grandpas goes viral.  In it the almost grandpas hug their kids, give them kisses, and dance for joy… again, normal (well, maybe not the dancing part).

But I don’t see a lot about parenting a gay child.  I hear a lot about how things changed once their kids came out, how dreams had to be rewritten (still waiting for some explanation on this)…  and to all of that I say BULL s**T!  

My son hasn’t changed - he is still the smart, funny, handsome 17 year old I have always known and loved (though he came out to us about three years ago).  He is annoying sometimes, asks silly questions sometimes (ok a lot), and fights with his brothers sometimes.

We still hope he finds someone that will love him deeply and without reservation.  I still hope to one day hold his child and spoil them indulgently.  I hope to see him achieve his dreams.  He is still our son.

Because we accept him, his brothers accept him - without reservation.  Hayden teases him about finding a boyfriend, Addi defends him against ignorant kids, and Joe just loves him.  Dean likes Joe better (I always tease them about this), but that’s because Joe plays Angry Birds with him (not the video game, but real life Angry Birds with obstacles throughout our house).  (Let me be clear here… Dean adores Corey, but, at Dean’s age, he is a bit fickle. So Joey can be his favorite one moment and then Corey at others - especially when Corey takes him to the store and gets him little treats as he often does)

So, to all the parents of gay teens, here is my Christmas Gift to you:

Your kids love you.  Gay or straight, they are still your child.  Love them, be there for them, and remember that nothing has changed.  Perhaps you don’t support gay marriage, maybe you think being gay is wrong, and yet, despite that, you were blessed with a child that needs and loves you.  I won’t preach religions. We all have our own beliefs.  The one thing I do know for sure is being gay hasn’t changed who my son is. I hope your child being gay doesn’t change how you feel about him/her.

I will step off my soapbox for now.

Dear Parents,

I’m not an expert.  I don’t have a lot of initials behind my name. Hell, I didn’t even finish college!  What I do have going for me is that I AM a parent.  I think the advantage I have now versus 10 years ago is that my kids are all over the place age wise - 17, 15, 12, 7, and 3.  I have one that is getting ready to finish up high school, and one that hasn’t even started school yet, and then everything in between. 

And I want to say this - JUST because your kids are in high school doesn’t mean you stop being a parent!  Sure, maybe you have to relax the reins a bit, as the idea is to prepare them for their next step in life (college, the military, the work force, marriage, whatever!), but you don’t abdicate all responsibility!

If your child starts to do poorly in school, sure you give them a warning, give them the opportunity to fix the problem themselves. But if they continue to do poorly, step in!

If your child is having sex, and you suspect they are not being as careful as they can, talk to her/him. You better make sure that they are protected.  Because if your 16 year old ends up pregnant, YOU will be picking up the pieces, or you will be helping that 16 year old boy take responsibility in some form or fashion.

If your child dresses provocatively, and you allow her/him to, don’t be surprised when they get whispered about.  Sure, it sucks, but that’s what teenagers do.

If you make racist comments, jokes, use racial slurs, don’t be surprised when your child does to.  And don’t be surprised if they get their butts kicked for it.

If you are homophobic, don’t be surprised if your gay child leaves and doesn’t make you a part of his/her life.  That’s if they even get the courage to accept who they are in the first place.

Be willing to admit your child makes mistakes.  It isn’t always the teachers, their friends, their boyfriend/girlfriend, the kid down the street, etc.  No child is perfect, and pretending that they are is setting them up for a pretty hard fall.

Put your own relationships first sometimes, but understand that you can’t do that ALL the time.  Your kids aren’t babysitters.  They are not responsible for raising their siblings, nor should they be responsible for raising themselves.  Same goes for work, friends, etc.  SOMETIMES, your kids have to come first. It’s called being a parent.

Don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.  People forgetting this rule is one thing I will never comprehend. Sure, maybe you had a rough pregnancy, but you don’t know how I feel.  You can empathize with me, you can listen, but you are not ME.  So please don’t judge.

Say sorry to your kids once in awhile.  It doesn’t mean you are a failure as a parent. It means you are human, and a teenager wants and needs to see that from his/her parents.  How else do they learn humility?

But in the end, most of us are just trying to do our best, and admitting we aren’t perfect, admitting we don’t have all the answers is humbling.  What makes us better parents/human beings is trying to BETTER ourselves. Especially since we don’t have all the answers.  Because apathy and parenting simply don’t mix.

Best wishes,
A Mom of Five

Yep, you know who I’m talking about?  The Duggars.

Apparently being constantly pregnant also means you should get your own TV show.

Now, I have a big family - five boys. So on the one hand I want to defend the Duggar’s choices.  Hey, if they can afford it, who are we to tell them that they are wrong?  They don’t use assistance programs (and for the record, I have no problem with WiC, medicaid, welfare, etc… If you need it and are actively looking to move beyond that point in your life.). They support their family.  From the looks of it they are loving parents.

On the other hand, it doesn’t sound like the kids get a lot of individualized attention.  They have said that the older kids take care of the younger kids.  Ok, I assume someone has to work to feed that many people. I get it.

But Mama Duggar’s last pregnancy was hard.  The child was premature and only lived because of extreme medical intervention, and yet she is pregnant again?  When does enough become enough?

“It’s God’s Will” is the answer we all hear… But you know what, God also gave someone the ability to invent birth control.