There is a site that we like to visit daily to check out their shirt of the day.  They had one a few weeks ago that said “Living the Dream.” But then Dream was crossed out and “Plan B” was written instead.  Funny, right?

We certainly thought so, but then it got me thinking.  I am living my Plan B, or at least the Plan B I had for myself at 17.

When I was in high school, I dreamed of becoming a doctor.  I wanted to be a Pediatrician or perhaps an Obstetrician. I was sure this was the path I take.  I figured I would marry another doctor, as that is who I would be around during my formidable ‘searching time.’  Maybe I would have a few kids, maybe I wouldn’t, but I certainly wouldn’t consider it until my career was established.

I never would have dreamed that a little over two years later I would be pregnant with Corey.  And then 18 months later, Joe was born.  As a young mother at age 22, I felt lost.  I wanted to do something that mattered.  I wanted to make a difference to someone.  My first marriage didn’t work out, and a part of me felt like a failure. On the other hand, a part of me knew that it wasn’t meant to be.  So, although sad, I put that part of my life behind me and pressed forward.

And then I met Roy.  I know the exact moment I fell in love with him, but I am also just realizing something… I think a part of me loves Roy so deeply, because he knows what I need - sometimes even before I admit it to myself.

When i was pregnant with Addi, I was working for a lumber company.  I know, doesn’t sound very glamorous, but I liked the job.  I was good at it.  I was a quick learner, and a hard worker, and I know that the salesmen I took and placed orders for valued my contribution.  There was room for advancement, but I would have to leave the boys with a sitter for a few hours.  Roy and I went out for dinner, and I broached the subject of going back to work with him.

“Why don’t you stay home with the boys?” He asked me.

I remember that moment, and for just a second my hackles went up.  I didn’t want to be with someone that didn’t think I was worthy of a job, that didn’t think I could contribute, but there was no ultimatum unspoken in Roy’s question. He was simply asking me a question.

In the end I decided to stay home with the boys, and I found my way doing that.  It wasn’t always easy with three boys, then four, and finally Dean, but we found a way.  I worked for awhile during the 13 years we have been together, but like before, I found myself longing to be home with the boys.  It got harder and harder to leave the boys, though I was lucky that I was leaving them home with their dad. But still, it wasn’t what I wanted.

Whenever I brought up leaving behind the pool (I coached swimming full time for a few years), Roy always said the same thing:

“Honey, do what you want.  What makes you happy.  It’s up to you.”

In the end, I stopped coaching to be home with my guys.  

And now I look back at my decision and see that in his own way, Roy was steering me towards making the decision he KNEW I wanted justification for.  He knew I wanted to be home with the boys, but I liked the extra money.  One day my tire blew out, and because of the size, it was a pricey repair.

“You know, honey, between the gas and replacing that tire, we are paying for you to work this month.”

He wasn’t trying to get me to quit for his own purposes. He was telling me in his own way that what I wanted had merits of its own as well.

Over the years, there have been moments when I felt as if I didn’t do enough for my family.  That I wasn’t making any money, so I wasn’t contributing.  Most of the time I feel like this when I am buying Roy presents for something and realize he is making the money to buy his own gifts.  At times I felt the way I did as a 22 year old mom - I want to make a difference to someone. I want to matter.

And then I realize, I do all of that.  When the boys ask me for help with homework, or even just to drive them somewhere, so that they can volunteer, I DO matter. I am making a difference.

And Roy knew that is what I needed, what I wanted, before I ever did, and he helped me get there.

And this all circles around to my plan B.  I figured if I couldn’t make it as a doctor, or even just in college, I could just get married and be a mom.  At 17, I thought I would be settling if I went down that path, but now, at 37, I realize that my Plan B was my Dream all along.

And lucky me… I get to live my dream with my husband and my boys.

I think I’ve written about this before, but I thought I would throw this out again.

It isn’t for everyone!  Being a SAHP (stay at home parent) that is.  And that’s ok.  Some people might find it boring, or some might find it too hard.  Maybe some people want the change of pace a job can offer, maybe you need the money, or maybe you like the money.  NO ONE has to justify why they DON’T want to be a stay at home parent, just as no one should have to justify why they choose TO be a stay at home parent.

BUT, what neither side should do is knock the other down.  Sure, being a stay at home parent can be boring; sometimes the kids drive me crazy.  Sometime I look at the family room and want to scream because I’ve already picked it up five times today.  It isn’t easy.  

And I used to work full time. That wasn’t easy either.  Every time I left the house, I wondered if I forget to do something.  If I didn’t feel good, I felt like I was not only letting the kids down at home, but the people at my work as well. 

It is tough to be a parent these days, no matter what your circumstances, but insulting the other side won’t make it any easier.

I try hard to be respectful of parents that choose to do things differently than I do.  You want to work full time… you do what’s best for you.  Roy and I decided I would stay home; that is what works best for us.  I don’t criticize you, so you don’t need to criticize me.

When people say things like, “Being home is so boring.  Don’t you want to do more with your life?”  How can you NOT realize that is insulting?  And just plain rude?!

Bottom line, MOST parents try to do what is best for their family… let’s just respect each other and try to realize that.

It’s been a rough day for me, so please indulge me while I use this as an outlet.

Growing up I was made to believe that unless I was the best at what I did, I wasn’t good enough.  I don’t just mean that if I came in second in a race, I wasn’t the best in the pool; I mean I wasn’t good enough for my mom.  If I didn’t recognize the sacrifices my mom made for me, I wasn’t a good daughter.

As a mother now myself, I can say… “OK, fair enough!”  There have been countless times when I wonder if the boys realize all the sacrifices we make for them.  On the other hand, they NEVER asked me to make them… I chose to.

I was smart enough for college, but I blew it.  I left after one year and got pregnant soon after with Corey.  The decision to have Corey was a tough one, and his father and I struggled, but it isn’t one I will ever regret.  Same with Joe.  I didn’t plan to get pregnant with him, but I will NEVER regret giving birth to him.

When I made the decision to end my first marriage, I didn’t do so lightly.  I didn’t want to be a divorced single mother of 2 at 24. I didn’t want to be a statistic.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to support myself and the boys, and I admit I wondered if anyone would ever love me again.

And then I met Roy.  He was cute, smart, and funny.  He treated me with respect.  And even when he found out ‘all my dirty secrets,’ all he asked was that I be honest with him.  He defended me to my mother, and stood by my side.  And when we found out I was pregnant with Addi, it was sort of a no brainer for us.  We made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together and started to work on putting our lives together and making our own memories and family.

It wasn’t easy at the beginning.  We didn’t have a lot of money, but we got by, and looking back, we made a lot of happy memories.  Roy moved up in his career by working hard and earning it, and I hope he knows how proud I am of him and that I will ALWAYS have his back.  In short, we got to a place where we can be comfortable.  We aren’t rich, but we can afford what we need and then a bit more.  But most importantly, we got through it all TOGETHER.

During this time, my sister has carved her own path.  She had my niece almost six years ago, with me happily by her side, and then she eventually married my niece’s father.  It was a tumultuous marriage, but I do believe they loved one another.  A few years ago, they made the decision to divorce.  NOT an easy choice, but one they choose nonetheless.  My sister eventually left NYC and found a job in Virginia to be closer to my parents.  They are a big help with my niece.  Last year, Kim applied to a school in Florida.  I admit, I don’t know much about it.  Something to do with ordinances (bombs), and this is a very prestigious school.  I was very proud of her when she got in.  I would even support her decision to return to active duty military, if that is her desire.  She is my little sister, and I love her.  I worry about her, but I trust that she is a grown woman, and though I don’t agree with some of her decisions, I will do my best to be there for her should she need me.  A few months ago, my sister told me she had married her new boyfriend. 

Now, I believe in love.  I think when you know… you KNOW.  I knew with Roy on our third date, and I have NEVER doubted that feeling, so I will believe my sister when she says she knows.

My mother doesn’t see it that way… and that’s fine too.  What isn’t fine is her blaming me for that.  What isn’t fine is her telling me it is my fault Kim has made mistakes because I have not been a good example.  What isn’t ok is my mom trying to make me feel guilty for taking a vacation with my family (that we have been planning for about 7 months) because my sister could suddenly use help moving back up to Virginia.

It isn’t ok for her to berate me to my husband of all people, because he and I made the decision that I would stay home with the boys.  It isn’t ok for her to NEVER see the good in me, and never see the ‘bad’ in my sister.

I feel guilty because after 37 years, I am seriously wondering if distancing myself from my mother is the best thing for me.  She is constantly telling me that life is short, and that we should be there for family, so why is it so hard for her to be there for me?  Why are mistakes I made 25, 20 or 18 years ago still held over my head?  Why are the changes I’ve made for the better ignored?

Someone that means a lot to me (ok, it was my father in law) told me yesterday that marrying the wrong person is OK. We all make mistakes, but I learned from it and I picked the RIGHT person for me.  And 13 years together is something to be damned proud of.  And he is right!

Roy and I have to deal with outside forces (my ex, his daughter’s mother, my parents). Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. And instead of creating unnecessary drama with them, we do this thing where we write whatever comes to mind, whatever we want to say to them, and just email one another.  Usually, I’m the one emailing him… but today he sent me one.

It was addressed to my mom, and in it he reminded her that she has two daughter, and that we both make mistakes - all on our own. And we both do wonderful and great things too!  And that it’s a shame she doesn’t see that.  Whatever happens with my mom, I know that my husband has my back.