There was a time when it was acceptable for a young woman’s dream to be a mother and a wife.  There was a time when it was ok for a young man to want what we now think of as a traditional lifestyle.

When did these things become a bad thing?

I’m not saying the general consensus is that people should strive for more than a family and a marriage, but there is the idea that ENCOURAGING young people to have ‘only’ those dreams is somehow wrong.

The other day on “Glee” (and I’m not saying Glee is the role model for healthy relationships) Rachel tells Finn (for this example it doesn’t truly matter if you know who I’m talking about) that if he doesn’t want to go to NYC (Her big dream) she is willing to wait and stay with him in Ohio.

A reviewer of the episode seemed offended by that.  She believes that the creators of the hit show are telling young woman that giving up your dream for a boy is the right thing to do.

I’m looking at it a bit differently. 

I mentioned in another post, that marriage isn’t really about compromise, it’s about sacrifice.  What people imply is a compromise in a relationship is often one person sacrificing what they want for whatever reason.  But if you look up the definition of these two words, well, I think people say compromise because it sounds better-whether it’s the right word or not.

Sacrifice implies a loser.  It implies that one person is the winner, for whatever reason.

But you know what…so what?

In the end, that’s what life is about.  Sacrifice, learning to make a decision based on a big picture rather than simply living for right here and now. 

And it seems to me, that we’ve gotten so focused on our kids ‘reaching their potential.’ that we forget to tell them that the human element is just as important.

Reaching the ‘top’ is wonderful, but do you do so at the cost of love, family and friendship?

Is it worth it to ‘be the best’ if you have no one by your side to celebrate with?  How much worse would the failures be if you have no on there to hold your hand, no one to turn to?

What will it do to our children if we push them down a road that is only filled with heartache?

Look, I’m not saying settle, I don’t believe that is necessary for anyone, but I don’t think a young woman/man willing to sacrifice for someone they love means they are giving up on their dreams.

I think it means they realize that they aren’t the center of the world. 

I like to think ,and perhaps I am naive, that Roy’s success means just a little bit more to him knowing he did it with a family that adores him.  I believe that Roy is just that much prouder knowing he is where he, and along the way to this level he nurtured a relationship that is thriving.  I hope he doesn’t think he settled.

And I hope he knows that when I stopped coaching I didn’t do it because he liked the idea of me being home full time.  I didn’t do it for him, and now he ‘owes’ me.  I hope I’ve conveyed my joy, my love and appreciation for him enough, and I hope he realizes that realigning my dreams so that they mesh better with our goals doesn’t mean I look at my life as one I simply ‘settled’ for.

About ten years ago, I looked into the Big Brother/Big Sister program.  I was told that I wouldn’t be a ‘good fit’ for the traditional program because I didn’t have a job.  I was offended.  For me the implication was that since I wasn’t earning a paycheck I was unworthy of being the friend of a young girl that needs one.  Because I didn’t earn a paycheck, perhaps my brain had atrophied and was only good for cooking and cleaning, I wasn’t possibly intelligent enough to help a young lady with homework, to hold her hand if the boys she liked didn’t like her back or to simply be a shoulder to cry on.

And yet, I look at my life now, and I can honestly say that I’ve done a lot I’m proud of.  I didn’t give up on my dreams, I simply reevaluated them and made choices that better fit who I became as I grew up.  And I think that’s a pretty good lesson to teach our young people too.

When I coached swimming I was often surprised by how kids approached the sport.  Year round swimming (swimming for a club team, NOT affiliated with a school) was one thing.  These kids were there by choice (whether their choice or their parents is another story) and worked hard.

But a school team was a different story.  Some kids wanted the chance to letter, some wanted to be a part of a team, others truly liked the sport, some wanted to stay in shape (cross train) for another sport, and some simply wanted to check out someone on the team in a bathing suit.

Swimming at the high school level is different, unless you have a certain number, if the kids show up and pay the athletic fee, their on the team.  When they know that, it was hard to get some of them to take it seriously.  Hard to stress to them that the team counts on them.

Until it was time for a meet and they got to see exactly what that meant.  In high school swimming the first eight places get points.  So, if there are 8 swimmers as long as you finish without getting disqualified you get points for the team.  Relays, it’s the top four places.

I admit that I’m a tough coach.  Often I was there by myself, or with only one other coach.  Add in 60 swimmers and it gets crazy.  Swimming isn’t without risk.  I’ve seen one young lady hit in the face passing someone, and let’s just say her nose didn’t fare so well.  Things can happen, so I demanded (yes, demanded) that they listen when I was talking.  If you were blabbing when I was talking, I would call you on it.  After about a week or so, most kids understood what I wanted.  

The first high school team I coached was made up of many of the kids I coached on the year round team I worked for.  They knew me, they knew what I expected and the other kids tended to look to them for pointers anyways.  By the time meets rolled around, we were a well oiled machine.  Sure, there was some issues, but nothing we couldn’t take.

The second team…WHOLE other story.  Most of the kids were looking for a way to get a varsity letter, ok, I can work with that.  Or they wanted to cross train..ok, can do.  But there were a number of others that simply wanted the chance to say they were on the team, still ok, until they decided that putting the work in was too much to ask of them.

Before the first meet I explained the deal.  If you are on a relay and drop out, I might not be able to find a substitute, that means you are depriving three other people that chance to swim and potentially losing us points.  If you drop out of an individual event, you might cost the team points. 

Lots of nods, murmurs, went around..they assured me they understood.  But sure enough that night, someone wanted to drop out.  She didnt’ seem to understand what that meant, knowing that she would cost the team points, and knowing it was a close meet, I chose to let her make a choice, with the understanding that whatever she chooses she would still cheer on those kids that stuck it out.  She chose NOT to swim, and stood at the end of the lane brushing her hair.

The girls lost by 14 points.  Points that probably could have been made up had she chosen to swim.  The other girls on the team expressed their anger with her, and she didn’t drop out of another meet again.

And here is my point-NOT every child is an athlete, so what, BUT when you sign on to be a part of a team understand that the team is counting on you to give it your all.  Whether that’s swimming you part of the relay race, playing first base, or just cheering from the sidelines.  When you consistently show you are not a team player, you can’t expect your team mates to NOT call you on it.

And trust me, the kids usually do just that.  But I wonder about the parents.  Why do you sign your child up for a team, if you’re just going to let them leave when it gets hot, or they don’t get to play the position they want?  Maybe they won’t be a professional baseball/softball player, but I guarantee you they will encounter something in life that they will NEED to do that they don’t WANT to do.  And how exactly do we expect out kids to handle that, if we just let them leave anytime they decide that ‘they don’t want to play anymore?’

This isnt’ a playdate.  Sure, maybe Timmy is sick of Johnny and it’s time to pack it in.  I get that, a team sport if different.  You are part of a machine, and that machine won’t function properly if all the components are out of wack.

I’m not saying that we should force our kids to play if they are truly not wanting too, but what about telling them that they, at least, need to stay until the end and cheer on their team/friends?  Is that really too much to ask of them?  Is that really to much to EXPECT of them?

Sorry, don’t have the reply button on here..or maybe I do, and I still haven’t figured it out.

I wasnt’ speaking to anyone in particular when I said that bad behavior by girls is ignored.  I wasn’t implying someone said that or meant that.

I was speaking from my own experience.  From working in high schools, I can say that I truly feel like bullying is addressed MORE in young men than it is in girls.  Perhaps because boys are more vocal, they don’t do it as slyly as girls…I don’t know.  But generally speaking, this is what I saw.

From my own experience as a mom-when I’ve had an issue with a boy, I have found mother’s more willing to listen and to at least hear us out.  The few times I have had an issue with a girl’s mother….frankly it got nasty.

Again, I can’t speak for how Jane down the road parents, this was from my own experience, most recently the way my son’s friend was treated by a young lady.

I can see my post about Mean girls might have hit a nerve.

Someone mentioned parenting-I agree…to a point.  I think gender ‘roles’ are VERY ingrained in us.  Even us enlightened parents.  As a mom to boys, I think girls are ‘meaner’ than boys.  Yes, I think boys do all the same things girls do-they can be rude, they might cheat, etc, etc.  But I also think as a society (for lack of a better word) we expect that.  That whole ‘idea’ that a boy that sleeps around is a stud, and a girl that does it is a slut is a prime example.  We EXPECT boys to act like cads.  But when a girl does it…WHOA!  

Sure boys and girls can both act like jerks, my point is, I think people expect it more from boys and therefore it is addressed more with them.

When a girl does it, there’s a reason, she was provoked, etc, etc.

I admit I’m biased, I come from a very one sided view point on this.  I don’t really parent little girls, so what do I know.  I only know how I see girls interact with my boys, or from watching my niece, or seeing the girls I coach.  I don’t parent a little girl 24/7.  I admit that

Someone just shared with me a story about a young man that cheats on his All-American girlfriend.  To that I say, jerk, no doubt about it.  I also say, I wouldn’t be surprised if said girlfriend suspects or even outright knows about it.  From working with teens, that is one thing that I was always surprised about.  But status is important to young men and women in high school, more than one intelligent young lady was willing to over look cheating-if she got the glory (the prom, homecoming, Friday night, etc)  Sad, but I’ve seen it.  I’ve also seen boys do the same when the situation was reversed.

I was told mean girls/boys are a dime a dozen.  Of course they are!  They have been for years, but is that an excuse to ignore their behavior and not address it when you see it?

Suck!  Sorry, had to say it.

I want to preface this post by saying that I don’t have a daughter.  Any difference I imagine with boys and girls comes from my observations as a swim coach, an aunt, and the mom of 5 boys.

Addi had one of his friends over a few weeks ago.  Very sweet boy.  He stayed the weekend with us and he was sweet, polite, even helpful around the house.  He took the dog out a few times, and he was very nice to Hayden and Dean. (HUGE points for that in my book!)

Addi mentioned that there is a girl he likes at school, and his friend had finally worked up the courage to say something.  And this girl was SO RUDE!

She told him he was ugly, that he was a dork and if he ever talked to her again she would…well, do something, I don’t remember, but at that point I didn’t care.

So what if she doesn’t return the feelings, has this girl never been taught manners?  Did her mother/father/whomever never bother teaching to be gracious? 

If a boy treated a young lady like this, people would be up in arms. 

“Oh, he’s so cruel!”

“Boys suck!” (maybe even make the young lady a t-shirt stressing this.)

But girls are just as nasty, even more so.

From what I’ve seen, boys duke it out and then the issue is squashed.  If boys don’t like each other, for the most part that’s it.

But girls….boy they can be nasty! 

Addi’s friend took it well, but I could tell his feelings were hurt. 

It’s really simple parent’s of girls-tell them that boys have feelings too.  They might bury them under false bravado, but they’re right there, under the surface. 

And let’s be honest, even though you might not like the young man, the fact that he likes you and had enough guts to tell you-well, that should be flattering.  Humility is never a bad thing.

When I was in ninth grade, we lived in Okinawa, Japan.  The high school had an amazing 50 meter pool. For many years, I practiced with the swim team there.  I honed my strokes. I cried. I swam in my first meet at that pool. And during PE class, we always had swim class.  One Friday the gym teacher thought he would be cute. One 50 meter race.  One boy versus one girl. If the girls won, we got free day in the pool for the rest of the period, and the boys had to clean up the deck, and vice versa.  He gave us 60 seconds to pick our ‘champion.’ 

I stepped on that block, and all I heard was trash talking.  The girls were going down, we should have fun picking up the trash, girls sucked, and on and on and on.  And then the whistle blew… I smoked that boy, plain and simple.  I came in easily 15 meters ahead of him, and we had a great time waving at the boys from the high dive.

And that is what my parents taught me - my mom because I think she wanted to raise strong daughters; my dad because I don’t think he knew any other way to bond with my sister and I.  Don’t be the best female swimmer, be the best swimmer.  Don’t beat all the girls at sit ups, beat everyone.  (My sister won a blue ribbon for doing the most pull ups one year… 6 more than the closest boy!)  Don’t be the smartest girl in your class, be the smartest.  It didn’t matter that we were female. The lesson was to be the best we could be. 

And yet, I found myself with a different mindset.  I loved coming in first in the pool, but I secretly got a bigger thrill when my time was better than the boy that came in first.  I started to look at females as weaker.

When I had Corey, I was secretly glad he was a boy (ok, probably not that secretly).  But with each boy I had, a part of me rejoiced.  What if we had a girl?  What if she was really girly?  How would I handle that?

I hate when my boys are sick.  I don’t even mind if they cry when they feel like crap… but don’t sit there and bawl like you are going to die.  

I love hearing what someone thought about a movie I liked - bad or good.  But don’t be afraid to share your opinion!  SPEAK UP!

I would love to go out and have a drink, but the moment you start whining about your nail polish smudging, I tune out.

Am I prejudiced against my own gender?

If the boys start to whine incessantly, I tell them to stop acting like a little girl.

If Addi doesn’t like a shirt I picked out for him and tells me he won’t wear it, I apologize for not getting the right kind of dress for him.

When the boys act ‘less than manly’ I call them on it, as if it is some kind of insult, and yet… I’m a woman and proud to be one.

I compare others to my own standard.  If someone complains about menstrual cramps, I secretly want to smack them.  I had a tubal ligation and took NO pain medicine after my surgery because I was nursing… suck up your PMS.

Roy is always telling that I can’t compare everyone else to myself.  Just because someone reacts differently than me, doesn’t mean I’m right, and they are wrong.

But it dawned on me that having five boys has made me guilty of perpetrating the same stereotypes I would whack them for!  I imply that girls are weaker, and when they show weakness, they are acting like girls.  If they act dramatic, they are drama queens, and so on.

When did I forget that we’re all on the same side? 

Your momma is so fat when I told her it was chili outside, she ran out with a spoon!

I don’t know if Addi said that correctly, but I sure thought it was funny. 

That is a part of our dinner ritual.  One of the boys says something silly, and the other boys jump on it as a way to get Roy and I to laugh.  I’m a lot easier than Roy.  I get started, and before I know it, I’m out of breath, tears are running down my face, and I’m bright red.  The kids think it’s hilarious, and pretty soon they go from busting on one another to busting on me.

“Mom’s gonna bust a gut!” One of the older boys will say.

“HA! You said Mom has a butt!” Hayden jumps on any chance to make fun of my butt.

Roy just laughs with me and asks me if I’m ok.

For some reason I always find Addi’s “Yo Momma…” jokes funny.  The older boys don’t get it.

“ADDI!”  Corey will tell him, “You are my brother.  My momma is your momma. Why are you busting on my mom?”

“You know, all you guys are doing is insulting Mom.  This isn’t how it is supposed to go.” Roy tells them with a smirk.

Me? I’m just laughing and smacking the table.

The other day we were sitting at the dinner table.

“Ohh… New Once Upon a Time is on tonight.” I said.  I absolutely love that show, so I was glad.

“Ohh… big deal, a TV show has a new episode.  Isn’t that what they do?” Joe is not a fan of this particular show.

“Actually, smarty pants, a lot of shows go on hiatus around the holidays.” I remarked.

“Don’t you pronounce it hiatISH?” Joe asked me.  I think he was being sincere, not trying to make me feel dumb.

“No, dumb ASH, it’s haitus.” Corey busted out.  And for some reason, I found this hilarious!

During these trash talking sessions, things are often silly - a lot of “nice zit!” “go look in the mirror…oh wait you broke it, cause you’re so ugly.” Silly stuff like that, but every once in awhile, we get a real zinger, and I just love it.

I suppose some would think it strange that I find joy in the boys busting on each other, and there are times when I do not, but these dinner ‘battles’ are done with smiles on their faces.  They are done with a sense of humor and a lot of laughter.  There is that sense of brotherhood among them, a sense of shared laughter.  That isn’t always there.

And so for me, I will always look back at these “Yo Momma” Battles with a fondness.  These are some of my little memories.

I’ve about had it.

Let me make this pretty damn clear to you - little boys wear clothes too.  They sleep in rooms, and we (by we I mean their parents/family/siblings, etc.) buy them gifts as well.

So, how about taking your heads out of the 50’s and realizing that parents of little boys like getting outfit ideas for little boys too.  We want our little guys to have happy cheerful rooms - so share some ideas with us… Unless you are assuming that I want my 7 year old son to have a pretty, pretty princess room!  I want some gift ideas for my tween and teen BOYS… or is that too much to ask?

Do you know how many times I have looked at a magazine in August and seen all the back to school outfit suggestions for kids?  Know the ratio of girl outfits:boy outfits?  At LEAST 5:1.  Why is that?

I was looking at one of my favorite magazines a few months ago (yeah, Better Homes and Gardens I’m talking to you) and they did a spread on kids bedrooms - 5 girls rooms, ONE for boys… and it wasn’t even boyish. It was more neutral!  

I get more suggestions for my puppies than I do for my boys!

H&M - some cool clothes, certainly cheap clothes… but totally sexist!  Not only is the majority of the HUGE stores near us (I mean huge… like Walmart sized!) mostly women’s clothing, but the stuff they have for men is obviously made for men with bird chests and no penises!  (oh, well… maybe men that LIKE everyone to see their junk will like the pants.)

I really like Land’s End.  Great place for basics - but why does their ‘regular’ catalog have 120 pages of stuff for women, and like 15 for men?  They devote more space to their camping gear.  I know, I know… they have a separate catalog for men.. .but they don’t send it to ya unless you ask.  Even IF you order men’s clothing from them!

Which is why I love Target.  They devote equal space to men’s and women’s clothing - I know… I measured!  They also do the same for Boy’s and Girl’s clothing.  Go Target!  Way to NOT be sexist.  That’s why I love ya and spend so much money there.  Well, it’s one of the many reasons…

LOVE that song by Nelly!  Not sure why, but I do. Ok anyways…

So, Friday I was feeling kind of crappy.  My ovarian cysts seemed to flare up right about ‘that time of the month’ and the pain… seriously?  OUCH!  So, Roy came out to help me with dinner which was spaghetti. Also because I am allergic to raw celery and carrots (weird I know), and if I cut them and don’t completely sterilize my entire body, my lips swell and my eyes swell… pretty nasty stuff. I tend to put veggies in because, duh, how else do I get the kids to eat their daily intake?  

So, I made the sauce, cooked the noodles, and we all sat down to eat (except for Corey who was at work).  The usual chaos ensued.

“Addi would you PLEASE just try the sauce.” This from either Roy or I - or both.

“Mom, look at how much I ate.” This from Hayden as a subtle dig to Addi to prove he is being good and Addi is not.

“Dean! SIT DOWN!” This from me as Dean got up to dance over to the computer.

“This is kinda spicy tonight, honey.” Roy said this to me as he put the last spoonful into his mouth.

“So, Joe any hot chicks at school?”  And suddenly everyone was quiet.  I ask Joe this every so often, just to tease him a bit, but also because I’m nosy and want to know what’s going on.

We all looked at him. Usually, when I ask him this, he hems and haws, and I have to pull it out of him, but not tonight.

“Well, there is this girl in my Biology class.” He ventured.

Not wanting to scare him into silence, I just nodded my head.

“It was funny, she was rubbing my arm hair.” Umm… aren’t they supposed to be cutting up frogs or something?

“Why was she rubbing you?” Hayden asked.

“I don’t know.  She asked to see my legs too.” Now, Joe is dark haired like I am.   Corey has lighter hair, and his legs don’t look as hairy, though they are! 

“Umm… aren’t you guys supposed to be studying?  Why is this girl copping a feel?” I asked him.

“She wasn’t mom!  I just pulled up my pants leg.”

“And?” Did this girl make fun of my baby?

“She said I was hairy.” Joe shrugged with a smirk.

“Is she pretty?” I asked him.

“Yes.”

I was amazed. Usually he is shy and very cagey with the details, but he was open and seemed to enjoy all the teasing from his Dad and I… and even the younger boys.

Joe is shy, and because of some things that have happened lately he has been a bit down on himself at times.  I am just glad to see that things seem to be turning a corner, and I hope he starts to see himself the way we do - as a funny, smart, kind, caring, and very handsome young man.

Bet this young lady sees him that way…

My day actually started out in a surprising way… my alarm clock woke me up.  Yes, that is odd for me.  I am usually up around 5:30 or so, and my alarm is set for 6:05.  Rarely do I sleep until it goes off, let alone sleep through it, but I did today!  it was just so hard to get up.  It was chilly, and my bed was so nice and warm.

But I threw off the covers and decided to skip the early bath, so I could give Dean one with me after he woke up and had breakfast.

I take Hayden out to the bus stop every morning at 7:40.  I put Shinobi, my little pug, on a leash and out he goes with us.  Never had a problem, until today.

So, there we are, out in the yard, and all of a sudden I hear yelling.  What the hell’s going on?  And BOOM!

A German Shepherd comes racing around the corner.  Now, I was pretty sure I recognized it, and I was right - it belongs to one of Hayden’s friends.  Because of that, I figured it would be a friendly dog, and it was… BUT…

This dog was about 70 pounds, maybe more. My dog is only about 20.  Big for a pug, but Shinobi’s a tasty treat for a big dog.  Corey’s dog starts going nuts when he sees Max (the German Shepherd).  Apollo (Corey’s Dog) is crashing into the glass door, Hayden is yelling asking if he should go get Dad, and there I am in my pajamas trying to corral two dogs.  Max has no leash on, but he does have a choke collar, so I grabbed that, and then WAM!

My little dog goes rolling off… Max was friendly, a little too friendly, to my little dog.  Ok… Shinobi bounced right back up - apparently he was unhurt.  But what bugged me was, when Max’s owner caught up with him… no apology to me for her dog putting the smack down on mine (I KNOW they were playing, but I would have been all kinds of angry if her dog hurt my little guy), and no thank you for holding on to him.  SHEESH!  What a morning!

My other source of annoyance is still the insurance company.  Roy has done some more research for this, I have done more, I have talked to our doctors and all the research points to the same thing: Gardasil (the HPV) Vaccine is just as effective for boys as it is for girls.  NOT almost as, not nearly as, JUST as.  So, why aren’t my boys eligible for protection? Poor form, United Healthcare.

Oh yeah, it’s because they have penises.  Not only that, a number of studies have shown that the transmission rate is higher from females to males.  SLIGHTLY higher, but still.  Sooo… boys are MORE at risk?  

It’s Gender Discrimination plain and simple.  I get it. When Gardasil was first introduced, the information on its effectiveness for males was incomplete.  Studies weren’t really being done, but that was five years ago!  The FDA approved it for males almost three years ago, and study after study has shown how effective it truly is for males.

And let’s not even talk about the fact that gender discrimination in regards to healthcare coverage is illegal…

Pisses me off!