Why is it that men just get better, and I just feel older?

I find myself in a strange situation - at 37 (almost 38), I’m healthier than I have been in 15 years.  I’m more at peace with who I am, I accept my faults, even embrace them to a point, and yet the past few days, the fact that I am almost 40 is getting to me.

Again, it’s weird… I don’t feel almost 40.  I certainly don’t act almost 40, but the facts are there.

I have two boys bigger than me - one is getting ready to graduate from high school. My third guy (up until about 6 months ago I called him my little guy) is getting bigger and in less than three months will be a full fledged teenager. Hayden acts like a teenager - sulky, mouthy, convinced I suck. And my sweet Dean will be in school next year.

I look in the mirror every so often wondering if today is the day the crow’s feet become obvious.  I check my hands (they say you can tell a woman’s true age by looking at her hands), determined NOT to let them slip and reveal my age.  I check my part for gray hairs more often.  And I won’t even talk about the boobs (five kids did a number on them), cause at least the butt’s holding up.

I realized that shopping at American Eagle is probably something better left to the boys (even though their shirts are so comfy and soft… ok, I still buy their jeans sometimes too) and yet the idea of shopping at Talbots leaves me cold.  (I think I’ll stick with Loft and The Gap).

But even with all these reminders constantly slapping me in the face, I just don’t feel almost 40!  I feel young. I wake up most days eager to start my day - even if I’m just going to do laundry and chill out at home with the boys.  I don’t dread getting out of bed anymore.

Is this how an almost 40 year old is supposed to feel?  Is almost 50 better?

I am 37 years old.  I feel great!  I am healthy, happy, and finally learning to manage my stress. 

Our oldest is getting ready to graduate from high school, and I have an appointment with a wonderful preschool on Thursday for our youngest.

I will be 52 years old when Dean graduates from high school.  Do I worry that I will be old?  Maybe one of the oldest in the audience?

Will I be too old to enjoy Dean’s children?  Am I old now?  Should I stop shopping for sweaters at American Eagle?

HELL NO!  

I feel great, and I will enjoy Dean’s graduation, just as much as I will enjoy Corey’s, Joe’s, Addi’s, and Hayden’s.  Why do people think that ‘older’ mothers have one foot in the grave?

I understand what people are saying… but what is young these days?  If I live to be 100, than 50 is barely middle age!  On the other hand, some of us live sedentary lifestyles, don’t exercise, eat unhealthy as a way of life… and by 40 you LOOK like you are twice your age!

Age is just a number. It’s what you do with the time you have.  Sure, it’s cliché, maybe even cheesy, but I don’t plan on checking into the retirement village at 55, so for me… well, I don’t know what old age is!

I want to debunk a few more parenting myths. Well, let me say two parenting myths and one myth about women in genereal.

Myth 1 - You have to spend so much money on kids. Yes, babies need a lot of stuff.  And yes, a lot of it is BS.  You don’t NEED a Boppy.  You don’t NEED a changing table.  You don’t NEED a bunch of cute little baby outfits… BUT, if you want them, buy them!  I have been asked by first time parents what to buy, and I could tell them what in my opinion was the most valuable thing, but the bottom line is… buy what you want!  Now, be realistic.  If you can’t afford it, don’t buy an $800 stroller.  It is going to get trashed, (IF your child uses it) just like a $200 one.  But don’t buy a $20 car seat!  Your child needs the best you can afford in that regards - IMO.  On the other hand, we bought a nice stroller system (Roy put his foot down and said no to the $700 one I pointed out, and I am glad he did!), easy to fold, not too heavy, cool pattern and came with a car seat - but Dean HATED the stroller.  I think we used it three time, and for the most part it was a padded shopping cart.  Knowing Dean was like that, I spent my money instead on a really lovely, comfortable, and easy to use baby carrier.  It wasn’t cheap, but in the end, it was money well spent.  The fancy stroller, not so much.  I breastfed Hayden and Dean for about a year, not everyone does that, but IF you do nurse… get some GOOD nursing bras.  If you bottle feed, do some research and get the best bottles you can afford.  Do you need a bottle warmer? It’s up to you.  Same thing with a wipe warmer… get one if YOU want one.

Truth - What is unnecessary to me, might be a necessity to you.  So, I’ve learned to give my opinion here carefully.  It isn’t MY money being spent, so if you want to buy a beautiful bedding set, go for it! But you really don’t HAVE to spend a fortune.

Myth 2 - You have to save money for college. I would LOVE to be able to send my kids to college and just write a check and call it a day.  But I can’t.  (Ok, maybe community college.)  And instead of beating myself up about it, and trying to save for it, Roy is making sure (and I agree with him) that we are saving for OUR retirement.  The kids have SO many options to pay for college, not so much when it comes to us in our old age.  I can’t go and take out a loan to pay for my golden years, but the kids can for college.  

Truth - You (and the kids) have options for college - lots of them.  You don’t for retirement. Especially these days.

Myth 3 - 30 is OLD! WHY do we, and by we I mean women, buy into this crap?  Sorry, it is ‘crap’ too.  I am almost 38… closer to 40 than I am to 20. Hell, I’m closer to 40 than I am to 35… and you know what?  YEAH ME!  My 20’s weren’t all that.  I had my kids young, and we struggled.  Sure, not everyone did that.  Some people went to college.. .ok, maybe ya partied and had some fun… but you still had to attend class, right?  You still had homework, papers to do, projects.  You still had to worry about getting good grades.  And then you had to worry about getting a job, and then paying the bills.  Maybe you had to worry about paying back a student loan.  You might have been playing the field, so you had to worry about first dates, and hope for a second if that first one went well.  You had to get to know people, and HOPE you liked what you found out.  You had to find you.  Guess what?  At 37… I’m done with all that!  Who said 30 is old?  Seriously, why is turning 30 a big deal?  Seriously, if someone can answer that, I would truly appreciate it, cause I would love to know the answer.  It’s a number. That’s it!  If you approach your 30’s with the mindset that you are old, your best years are behind you, etc… you wont’ enjoy all the wonderful things that come with getting a bit older.  Notice I said OLDER, not old!

Truth - 30 is NOT old.

More than one person has expressed surprise at the large age difference between my boys - our oldest is 16 and our youngest is almost three (already?).  And we have three boys between those two as well - almost 15, 11, and 6. 

I started having my babies when I was very young.  I was only 20 when Corey was born, so even though there is almost 14 years between Corey and Dean, when I had Dean, I wasn’t even considered “high risk” because of my age.  (usually over 35 is considered a “high risk” pregnancy)  I am not saying the sibling age gap doesn’t present its challenges.  For instance, Hayden is at an age where he doesn’t understand why his older brothers get certain “benefits,” and he doesn’t.

“How come Joey doesn’t have to go to bed?!” is a familiar refrain in our house around 9pm.

But to be clear, there are a lot of little perks for me as well - we have two kids able to babysit on hand, and 9 times out of ten they are happy to help out, so Roy and I can get away when the rare occurrence presents itself!  I can ask Addi to keep an eye on the two little boys, so I can run up and take a shower, though this often ends in screaming matches (usually them, but sometimes me!).  And now, running out of milk isn’t that big a deal as I can send Corey out to get some, or I can ask them to watch the younger boys while I run out to get some. 

We were at Costco one day (this was before Dean was born), and it just so happened that the boys were walking in chronological order, and each was carrying a shopping bag.  An older couple stopped, and I heard the gentleman counting aloud. 

“Look, honey!  Four boys!” And they smiled at our boys as they marched through the parking lot after Roy who was pushing a full cart.  Yep, they are all mine!  I hear similar remarks at times, especially if I happen to take all five boys out by myself.  I have heard numerous times how brave I am to take them all out, and I want to laugh.  My two oldest as teens, both are bigger than I am.  The three of us each get one younger boy… trust me, it isn’t as hard as it sounds. But thanks, anyway!

I’ll admit, it can be tough to switch gears sometimes - helping a 15 year old with homework is a lot different than helping a 6 year old with homework. But we manage.

And then there are the shining moments. Dean is home with me during the day, and when his older brothers get home, he will often rush to the door.

“Jobey!” He’ll say with excitement. He can’t say Corey for some reason yet, and he still adds that “B” in Joe’s name.

And Joe will pick him up and give him a hug.  Dean will pull back and babble something to Joe, and Joe will ask how his day was.  When Addi is feeling especially sweet, he will read a book to Dean, there heads bowed together.  Corey is too cool for the mushy stuff, but occasionally I will catch him doing something sweet.  Hayden will lay on Corey’s bed, and they will play PS2 games together.  Or Corey will hold Hayden’s hand as they cross a parking lot.  If Roy goes out of town, Corey has even carried Hayden up to bed for me.  Emily is wonderful with the little boys as well.  And when she is here, she will often take them for a wagon ride or play kickball with them.

While moments like these are not really rare in our house, our house is usually loud, chaotic, and when the dogs get involved, just get out of the way.  But I love the mixture (as I often say here).  Each of the boys is hitting new milestones and two huge ones are smacking me in the face - my oldest just got his license, and my baby is very nearly potty trained.  I figure it’s just a matter of time before high school graduations hit us, then college graduations, then perhaps the boys will be carrying their own children up to bed. 

And because time flies, I find myself mentally logging these sibling interactions, because even though (as Roy points out to me) there will come a time when it is just the two of us, and we can take cruises or go to Disneyworld as a couple, I know when I am laying on those Serenity Lounges (the adults only deck on Carnival cruise ships), it is the moments witnessing the kids grow and mature together that will replay in my head, even as my beautiful husband is handing me a pink drink with a yellow umbrella.

Weird question I know.  I mean you would assume I know how old my husband and my kids are, and I do…but I want them to expand on that.  Adults, women especially, seem to have this fear of getting older, and yet I wouldn’t go back to being 21 or 25 for anything!  I am almost 36, and couldn’t be happier.  It took me a long time to get to this point…to be happy with who I am, to believe that I deserve to be happy, to FIND happiness.  But I did!  I think loving yourself is important, and sometimes it isn’t easy.  When I was younger, I wasn’t happy, and I acted out for attention.  As I got older I learned that always being the center of attention isn’t always a good thing, especially when it’s because of the turmoil you created.  R really helped me see that.  He told me age is just a number, and whatever my past, he loved me NOW.  And he still does!  I didn’t have that at 21, and even at 25 when our relationship was new, I was still learning how to be comfortable in my own skin.

I am 36, and happy.  Happy with my life, happy to be R’s wife, Happy to have five great kids, and one pretty cool step-daughter.  I am learning to have a relationship with my mom, I didn’t always have that growing up, in fact I can count on one hand the number of really good ‘talks’ my mom and I had when I was a teenager, but I don’t feel like that anymore.  But now, at 36…I’m happy!  So what do you like about being 32, 15, 14, 10, 5 or 2?

Maybe one of the guys can answer for H and D!