Pride winning out for me. Roy sent me a link to a website, Navy For Moms, and it’s been helpful.  I’ve been gathering up information about PIR (Pass In Review-their graduation from boot camp)-where to stay, car rentals, etc. There are overviews of what the kids do at boot camp, when they might be able to call, etc.

And it’s wonderful. It’s nice to get information from Mom’s who have been there.  And yet it hard too.

When it got to the point where i realized that Joe would be leaving soon, I realized I had two choices: 1) I could cry and cling to him or 2) I could enjoy the last few months I had of him being at home full time.

I like to think I chose two.  And again I think a big reason was because of the type of person Joe is-he’s got a big heart, and he’s the type that would rather hurt than hurt someone else/see them hurting.  I knew my fear, sadness, or whatever else i was feeling would rub off on him and that’s NOT what he needed when it came time to take this new path.

Nuke School isn’t going to be easy-it’s elite, it’s tough, and he needs to feel secure, motivated and confident to succeed. 

Sure, I still cry on occasion.  We have a five bedroom house, and right outside the door to each of the bedrooms we have pictures of the kids. Addi’s room has Addi’s picture next to it. Today, Roy moved Joe’s picture and hung up Dean’s-it’s now Dean’s room.

Dean has bunk beds, and I thought it would be cool if Joe slept there when he came home, Dean loves the idea of having Joe sleep there, but it’s still HIS room.

I did laundry today, and there was nothing that belonged to Joe. No, basketball shorts or gym socks-nothing. And it was a reminder that he has moved on.

And though it hurts, and I miss him dearly, I find the pride is surfacing more readily now than the tears. The more I read about Nuke school the prouder I become-this is a big deal!  And Joe is going to attend!

Hayden now has his own room, and Dean is not sitting in his booster seat at the table any more-there are only six of us, usually five as Corey works five days a week now. And I’m finding my own way.

I got a job-it’s only about 15 hours a week at our local grocery store (I’m working at Customer Service/Cashier) but it’s perfect!  I’ll leave early, but be home to get the younger boys off the bus, help with homework and cook dinner, things that are very important to me.  And I’m so excited about actually buying Roy something for his birthday with money I earned!  It’s been a long time since I could say that!  It isn’t a lot of money, or a lot of hours, but this fits perfectly into what I want right now.

Joe knew about the job before he left, and when I told them I got the job he gave me a hug and a high five. All the little boys have said they will be good-Addi and Corey assured me they will help out when I’m working during the week as Roy also has to work. It’s feels good.

And wouldn’t you know it-I’m writing about how strong I’ve been, and I started crying as I typed this!  Oh well, I’m getting better.

I’ve been absent for a bit-we were getting ready to send Joe off to Boot camp, and from there he would go down to Charleston, SC for Navy Nuke School.

And it’s hard! SO very hard. I didn’t want my blog, something I’ve enjoyed writing for years to be months of me crying and weeping that I was going to miss him, so I kept to myself a bit. We helped him clean out his room, get his accounts in order, and just get ready.  I peppered him with little tidbits here and there.

“Please make sure you eat healthy, ok?” I would tell him over breakfast, “Eat some fruits and vegetables, promise me?”

“Stay away from those girls that are just looking to marry a guy in the military, ok?”

“If you need help with laundry, just give me a call.”

And to his credit, he rarely snapped at me, and he promised me he would do all those things. If he needed help with his nuke classes, he would ask for it, and he would study hard.

He promised that he would write, and call when he could.

I told him he had to make time for fun too, I don’t want him burning out. He promised he would, and that he would make friends.

I want him to be 18!  Nuke school is the top (and forgive my bragging here a bit!) 10% of Navy recruits!  The top 3% of high school seniors are the qualifiers here, and our Joe is one of them!  I know the school is grueling, the hours are long, and at the beginning the pay off might seem far away, but in the end, if he finishes this school, he’ll be set. This type of training can translate into a good job in the private sector if he chooses not to make the Navy his career.

But he’s still only 18. The boys he will be going to school with, and they are boys, will be his age or just a few years older. They need time to be kids, and I hope they take advantage of their liberty-responsibly!-but they need that time.

And yesterday was the day.

Driving down to the recruiting station I thought back to exactly one year ago.  We were on our way to a family vacation in Gatlinburg, TN. I looked behind us as Roy drove-Joe was asleep, they younger boys either staring out the window or playing games.

“I only have a year left with him.” I told Roy, choking on the already present tears.

Roy reached across the seats and gripped my hand, “We still have a year.”

And we tried to make sure Joe was ready-we made memories, and pushed him to get his license. We made sure he prepared himself physically, and encouraged him to get a job to save some pocket money.  

We kept on top of him, it was his senior year after all, in regards to his grades.  And before I knew it, he was graduating.

“We still have a month.” Roy told me.

And we watched movies, went to  the ‘water hole,’ and I fixed his favorite foods. And that month became a week, and that week became 24 hours.  

I struggled-do I pack as much as I can into those final 24 hours at home, or keep things normal-as Joe is the type to appreciate normality.

I decided to keep things normal. I let him sleep in-as surely days of sleeping until 10 am will be few and far between.

I did make a big breakfast-it was Corey’s 20th birthday too, but I kept it simple. Corey’s favorites, and everyone around the table.

For dinner I made something I figured everyone would like-but it wasn’t a five course meal.

And I think Joe appreciated it.  It was a final day of being taken care of by mom. He played with his younger brothers and assured Dean that he could have his room when he left.  He took out the dogs and watched a silly movie with Roy and I.

And then, when he finally went to sleep I crept into his room at around 2 AM. It was the last night this would be HIS room.

Sure, he’ll come home, but barring an emergency (knock on wood) Joe has chosen his path and is finding his way. And because this is how things are supposed to work, I have to let him go.

And I did, though there was some tears on my end. Joe is just like Roy in this respect-he’s a rock, a stone wall, but he hates to see his Mom hurting. So, I tried not to cry in front of him too much. I didn’t want to make him feel guilty for being excited, for looking forward to this next step in his life.

But I couldn’t help it yesterday.  We didn’t have much time in the recruiter’s office. We got to say goodbye, and then Joe was off. I know Roy purposely wanted to not prolong anything-the more upset I got, the more upset Joe would get. And that isn’t any way for him to start this amazing new phase in his life.

I hugged him,  and had trouble articulating what I wanted to say:

That we were so proud of him. That no matter how hard things get, we know he can do this. That despite being bigger than me, he’ll always be my little boy.

I wanted to tell him that I loved his big heart, and his amazing kindness. I wanted to thank him for making me laugh over the years, and for being a truly wonderful big brother.

I wanted to tell him that he was taking a piece of my heart with him, and that I love him more than he would ever know.

But all I came up with was, “Be careful, and do your best.”

Roy hugged him next, and I couldn’t hear what he said, but Joe turned to me again, hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I love you Mom.”

I felt his arms around me, and remembered the little boy that would hug my legs and ask me for a ice pop. But these arms were strong, and I wanted to cling to him for just a moment longer.

“I love you too sweetie. So very much.”

Roy put his arm around me and said to the recruiter, “Take care of him for us.”

And I felt the tears course down my face, as I saw him smile and wave at me one more time before the door closed.

The ride home was quiet. I looked out the window, and remembered so many things: His smile, how excited he was to graduate. His pride at being accepted to this program.

When we got home, Roy said he was proud of Joe.

I nodded and Roy took me in his arms, “It’s going to be ok, honey. He’s going to be great.”

I just nodded.

When we were dropping Joe off, one of our favorite songs came on the radio. “Carry On Wayward Son” by Kansas.

“Are you kidding me?!” I said, and the three of us laughed. 

Joe’s not wayward. He’s not unpredictable or volatile, he’s a rock. A calm port in the storm, just like Roy.

And Roy reminded me of something yesterday, and no doubt he will again:

Joe is finding his way down that path we call life, and we should be proud of him.

But still, when I walked into his room this morning, and looked around, it felt strange. He wasn’t at his desk, in fact his computer is gone-he sold it to a friend that couldn’t afford a brand new one. The books he wants to keep have been boxed up, and stored in our basement. The clothes he didn’t want passed down to the younger boys. All the little things that made it his room-are gone. Either packed up, passed on or thrown out.

I stood there, and looked around and the tears came again.

This is what happens next. The kids move on, and I have to hope we did all we could to get them ready for whatever comes next.

But still-I miss him so very much. I see his face in my mind constantly, and it sucks that I wont’ get to see it every day anymore.

Over two years ago, Roy and I drove our son to the navy recruiter’s office.  NOT to enlist-he’d already done that the previous year. No, we took him there to say goodbye.  Joe was about to start this journey with the US Navy.

Proud can’t begin to describe how we felt, but as a mom-all I could see was my little boy.  The little boy that used to be afraid of the water, the one that loved to go to the store for a 'candy bomb.’ (what he used to call a candy bar)  

That little boy was 18, and about to leave home.

What the next two years brought was intermittent phone calls, an occasional letter-late night or early morning texts.  Joe was going through a rigorous program that would take the better part of two years. Breaks were few and far between, time off came during the dead of night.  

But he hung in there-he pushed, and he pulled, cried and fought and he finished the program.

And at nine thirty last night-he walked in the door. Home for a month!

Corey doesn’t have classes during the summer-and though he works alot, he is here.

Hayden and Dean are home for the summer, and in a few short weeks Addi will get back from visiting his grandparents.

What does this mean you ask?

It mean, this mom of five boys will have all her babies at home! For a few glorious weeks-all our boys will be back under one roof!

I’m so happy right now, I could burst!

So, everyone IS on FB! We found out that Navy Boot Camp has a FB page, and Roy and I eagerly ‘Liked’ it. They occasionally post random pictures, have contests to get a picture of your Sailor’s Division, etc.

Today, they posted about 50 pictures, and though Joe wasn’t in any of them that we could see, one thought ran through my mind as we clicked through:

“They’re just babies!”

My father was career Army and we grew up around military bases. I was a teenager on the last base we lived on, and I remember my parents telling my VERY clearly, “NO dating the younger soldiers." 

My girlfriends and I looked at these guys and saw them as 'the older guys.’

And now, our son’s one! The kids he went to school with, played video games with, ordered pizza with-THEY are the soldiers!

It blows my mind!

And I feel old…

I’ve been back and forth lately-the days are just flying by and I often go about my routine feeling as if I’m in a daze.  But as I mentioned before I’m getting adjusted to what I call our ‘new normal.’

I don’t say anymore that my boys are in school-we have a son in the US Navy, and boy are we proud.

Roy’s always been proud of the boys, and he’s never shied away from telling them, but I’m seeing a new side of him with Joe’s leaving here!  And it’s wonderful to see.

What I’m also finding out is the ways we mothers get attached to our children and mothering them.

When Joe left, Roy found a few websites for me-support groups if you will, for Navy moms/dads/SO’s/family members.  And I see a recurring theme among the many posts-our kids are the people we have the strongest bond in the world too, and them leaving is hard.

And so, I thought about it. Parents are rabid to find out every single little detail-from when they can call home to the brand of underwear they are issued (no, I’m not kidding about that). They want to know it ALL, and then some.

And a part of me gets it-I miss Joe too, more than anything I want to see our son, but I also know that this is what happens. We raise our kids and  do our best to give them a strong foundation, the ability to stand on their own two feet and the knowledge that THEY mean something in this world. But they can’t stay in school forever-at some point we have to let them go and trust we did the best we could.

And I wonder-would we want the same level of detail if say our kids were…accountants?  Would we want to know every little detail of their day and how many people did they help with their taxes?  What if they are stay at home parents-would we want them to account for every minute of every day?

And that led me to my next train of thought-are our kids our most important/strongest bond in this world?

Our kids mean the world to us-Roy and I adore our boys and tell them so freely, and yet if I sit here and think about it, if I look at my life-my strongest bond is the one I share with Roy.

I expect the boys to grow up and leave the nest. To find their own way down this path we call life, to navigate the world and make their mark. I expect them to have jobs, love interests, and families. I expect them to have interests outside of the one’s we share as a family.

But as a wife-I don’t expect my husband to pick up one day and tell me it’s time for him to go-sure it might happen. If it didn’t our country wouldn’t have the divorce rate it does, but I don’t actively PLAN for it. I do, at some point with the boys, start to plan their leaving home.

We knew Joe wanted to enlist and once he did so, we had a date he would be gone.

Corey is close to making a decision-be it enlisting in the Navy or finishing up his Bachelor’s degree, chances are he will be moving on soon as well.

Addi is a Sophomore and has expressed an interest in enlisting as well. Something tell me he will do as Joe did and once he finishes up his Junior year will start exploring his options and then picking a branch.

As for the younger boys-time is flying by faster than I wish as a mother.

And so, as Roy likes to tell me, there will come a day when I wake up in the morning and my only responsibility will be to him, our home and myself. No more lunches to make or give out money for. No more fights over the last bit of Cocoa Krispies to mediate. It will just be he and I-together.

And if the people I have the strongest bond with are gone, what would become of me? Would I become the mother people laugh at in comedies-the one that calls their son 15 times a day just to chat?

I’ll always be a mom, no matter what happens, but there will come a day when my role as a mother will take on a more passive (for lack of a better word) role, and I don’t want to be left floundering.

No, my strongest bond is with the man I chose to spend my life with, the man that raises our children at my side.

I saw this on Facebook, and am confused.

A young woman, and I say young because she could be my daughter, is only 20.  Her boyfriend is a bit older, 26 and says he doesn’t want kids.  She does, but she loves him so thinks she should get a tubal ligation.

Really?  SOOO many things wrong here.

First of all, a tubal ligation is meant to be a permanent for of birth control.  You can get them reversed, but that isn’t often successful, which is why it’s meant to be a permanent solution.

Second, having kids is a HUGE decision.  And yet for many it’s a deal breaker.  I think the desire to have children is very strong in some of us, and not so much in others, and that’s ok. But IF you want kids, isn’t this something that deserves more than…"Well, he doesnt’ want them, I love him, so I basically ruin any chance I have of carrying a child for him.“  No, no, no honey….If YOU wants kids, and he doesn’t than by all means protect yourself, there is such a thing as birth control, but at 20?  When you aren’t married or even living together?  To let HIM decide YOUR future?  Or vice versa?  Show some backbone.

And this is what I’m surprised about this entire thread.  This young woman was called selfish for wanting a tubal at 20.  She wasn’t called silly for letting someone talk her out of her dream of children.  She wasn’t called weak for giving in to an offhanded comment about her own reproduction.  No, she was called selfish for THINKING about not having children.

What?  One of the young women that replied is having fertility issues.  She called the original poster selfish because she could have kids, but was thinking of not having kids.  What?  First of all…we don’t even know if the OP can have kids.  She didn’t give her fertility history.  Second, HER decision to NOT have kids has nothing to do with being selfish or not. 

No, I’ll say her boyfriend is selfish if he is trying to sway her to his way of thinking, but if this young woman truly know her heart (she doens’t seem to, but let’s say for the sake of argument she does) and doesn’t want kids, how is that selfish?

Some people don’t want kids…they don’t.  I would consider it MORE selfish to have kids when you do not want them, have no desire to parent, and have no means of supporting them.  That’s selfish.

But not everyone has the baby bug, and why does that make them selfish? 

I had a tubal at 34…There was nothing in my history that would suggest that I couldn’t have another child after Dean was born.  Was my decision selfish?  Roy is adamant about not having another baby, is he selfish?

I for all intents and purposes can not have children, am I also selfish for staying married to a man with healthy, good baby making sperm?  

Children are a gift, and because I wanted them doesn’t make me any less selfish than the couple that doesn’t want them.

The year it took me to get pregnant with Dean was a roller coaster ride.  I cursed my body, I cried, I locked myself in the bathroom, I took it out on Roy…but that was between us.  It had nothing to do with you, or my neighbor or anyone else.

Did I become sad when I saw a pregnant woman?  Of course, but I never begrudged her of her joy, because her ability to get pregnant also had nothing to do with me.

I remember reading something a few years ago:

Just because YOU don’t think there’s a problem, doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem.

Basically the author meant that in a relationship-whether it be a marriage, dating, friendship, parenting, whatever-if ONE person thinks there’s a problem-there’s a problem.

It might be as simple as a misunderstanding.  I thought Roy was being a jerk, but he was just kidding around.  At the very least he didn’t get the joke across and now I am offended.

And I try to live by that.  Just because I didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings doesn’t meant I didn’t.

Just because I didnt’ mean to annoy you, doesn’t mean I didn’t.

And to be honest, most of the time things can be cleared up with a simple, I’m sorry.

One thing that bugs the crap out of me is spoilers.  (No, I’m not changing topics, bear with me.) Now, at certain times I don’t mind…I might even read in depth reviews of a certain movie, but not everyone is like me.  So on FB the other day, a woman gave away a HUGE plot point of a movie that had literally come out that very same day.  A number of people called her on it.

Comments ranged from, NO…why did you give it away?  To, wow you are the worst person ever…you suck.

Now, of course she isn’t the worst person ever, but the fact remains that a lot of people were annoyed.  And when she read said comments her response was…

“God all you people are stupid, it’s just a movie.”

Well, a number of people left the mommy group that this was posted on. And again, the person that posted the spoiler doesn’t seem to realize that it was probably more about her inability to simply say, “Oops, my bad.  Sorry” and refrain from insulting people, as opposed to the fact that she posted a spoiler in the first place.

And that’s the kicker for me.  NOT everyone thinks the same way, not everyone functions the same way.  And in the end, especially if it’s nothing more than a simple misunderstand, what does it cost you to apologize to clear the air?

I’m not talking about a serious issue-if you cheat on your spouse, chances are a simple “Sorry” isn’t going to be enough.

But, if your spouse thinks you are flirting, and you hurt their feeling….what’s more important?  Proving them wrong, or trying to understand what hurt their feelings in the first place so that you can discuss it and move forward?

No, Roy does not flirt with random women in front of me and he has never cheated on me…but that was an easy example to illustrate my point.

What also gets my goat is that often times the very people that can’t admit any wrong doing on their part are often the same people that scream, “WHOA is me!” when they are the ‘victim’ of a slight. 

Hypocrisy is just as annoying as spoilers.

-Ever feel like no matter what you tell your kids, it goes in one ear and right out the other?  Hang on…I don’t even know if it’s making it in the one ear…

-Ever feel like no matter what you say to your kids, no matter how many times you say it, no matter how many times you show them, they just don’t get it?  NOT because they can’t get it, not because they aren’t smart enough to get it, but because they simply don’t care.

I want to bang my head against a wall right now…but I don’t think the wall could take it.

I dislike the idea of “Mommy Wars.”

Magazines, Newspapers, TV they perpetuate.  I work outside the home AND I have kids, YOU are a SAHM so you have more time…Obviously I have it harder than you.

Well, I’m a SAHM to x number of kids, my husband works, and I’m up to my ears in playdoh and homework day in and day out.

Well, My kid is a special needs kid, blah, blah, blah….

It goes on and on and on.

This stems from an article I read the other day from another blogger.  Her child is a special needs child.  She didn’t go into too much detail in regards to his diagnosis, but I imagine he would be considered high functioning as she said he was expressing his hurt over not being as coordinated as the other children.  I will admit, I’m on shaky ground here, I don’t know any mother’s with autistic children, so I am not sure of the spectrum and all it entails.

BUT, what caught my eye is the author’s mindset, that those people with ‘normal’ kids really shouldn’t complain. 

If your child plays teams sports, you really shouldn’t say anything about their schedule or the money involved, because her child won’t get to play team sports.

If you get the chance to cheer them on at a game, you should be grateful, and not say a word about the coach who yells constantly.

And that’s fine and dandy, but to then go on and say you want to slap mother’s that complain about their 'normal’ kids?  

Now, dont’ get me wrong.  I get venting, I get frustration (I have five kids…hello!), I understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed and then to wake up to yet another smackdown.  I get that.  

I don’t get HER frustrations, because I’m not her, but I know what I feel like when I feel like I keep getting knocked down every time I try to stand up.

And I know, at this stage, how important it is to make sure my needs come across clearly.

Having five kids is challenging.  Having a child that requires extra attention adds to that.  IF I am having a rough day, I’m not going to approach my friend with no children and tell her I want to slap her because she has not kids!

That doesn’t set the stage for her to offer me what I need the most-an ear to vent.  A shoulder to cry on.

If Roy has been at work all day, and he’s exhausted and stressed out, if he walked in the door and said he wanted to punch me because he was so frustrated, I would assume I did something wrong, not that he had a bad day at work, and my hackles would immediately go up, as opposed to my arms opening up to give him the hug he probably wants.

We all deserve a break, we all deserve some time to kick back and take a breath, but you can’t cry that you never have that chance when you are the one that refuses to hire a babysitter.

I used to complain that we had no friends…might have been because I rarely put myself out there.  I found excuses to not leave the comfort of my own home, and yet having friends I can count on, friends I can turn to…I can’t tell you what a relief it is to simply know they are there!

The idea that someone shouldn’t be allowed to complain about what causes them stress because you think you have it worse, might be an indicator as to why you feel ostracized.

Would you want to be friends with someone that belittled the things in your life that you find challenging?  Would you want to be friends with someone that puts limits on what you can talk about because they have it so much worse and you are obviously an idiot for thinking the way you do?

WE ALL have challenges we face, yours will no doubt be different than mine, but that doesn’t mean I will slap you because you complain about not having any milk and my father has cancer.  (He is in remission! Almost 18 months now!)

What I find challenging, might be very different than what you find challenging.  The battles I face, might never cross your radar, and vice versa.

But the point is, this isn’t a competition.  I’m not saying you need to support me, you don’t know me, but I am asking you not to threaten physical violence because you are having a rough day and I’m not.

Ok…off my soapbox

Sooo, I make a pact with myself to spend more time giving in to my feelings of restlessness when it comes to writing…and than I don’t write for four day?  Go figure!

It could be because our timeline got moved up.

What timeline you ask?

Well, I’ll tell ya,  Hayden is a Freshman this year, Dean is in fifth grade-so he’ll start middle school next year, and Roy works about 60 miles from home. NOT horrible, until you factor in rush hour traffic.  Sometimes, Roy gets into the office in an hour an a half, sometimes it take twice that-my goal was to move the summer before Hayden’s junior year.  That would give him two years at a new high school, Dean would have two years at the middle school before moving into HS, but my husband is beat.  With the new position he accepted, he’s going in almost daily-and I know it’s hard on him.  So, we’re looking to move in just a few months!

Ugh, I said it out loud

We’ve been here so long, I forgot why I dislike the process.  Getting the house ready, finding a new house…and than there’s THE PURGE.

I decided to start small, something no one could have any say over-my closet.  I listed items on ebay, I put aside items for a yard sale-and felt accomplished until I looked at my closet.  Pretty sure it looks no different.  When did I accumulate so much stuff?  

To be fair, Roy’s side of the closet looks similar.  I tell the man he needs to purge and he gives me two t-shirts-out of the 50 he owns-though he only wears about 10.  He has a t-shirt that he wears constantly (I wash it, he wears it-vicious cycle) that I can see through-I kid you not.  It didn’t start out like that, he just wears it constantly!  To boot-it says Grooveshark (does anyone even remember what that is?) and he got it for free!  Not that there’s anything wrong with promotional swag-I love my pens, but when it’s starting to disintegrate, maybe it’s time to move on?

Now, for my case I realized I have way to many shirts with goofy sayings.  Some I bought for the specific purpose of basketball games-I have a few with sayings, or Hayden’s number, etc.  But most say ridiculous things like, “More Tacos please.”  I’m not sure why I need three shirts that say that-especially when all are just different shades of grey.  

And you’d think when the shirts hold no real sentimental value it would be easy to let go of-apparently, it is not.  You never know when you might find yourself in desperate need of tacos and maybe you’ve lost your voice?  I don’t know…

And let’s not even get in to my legging collection.  Now, in the winter I do wear them-daily for the most part.  I wear tunics and leggings, or a sweater and leggings, etc.  They’re warm and cute-the more colorful the better!  But I’m short, so specific brands fit me best-so why do I have pair after pair that are too big? 

I think there was a time when I bought clothes to make myself happy-I was feeling out of sorts, sad-and when I worked through that-I was left with a packed closet.  And so, THE PURGE commenced.

I truly hope the kitchen isn’t like this-or you’ll find me crying in the shower…