Pride winning out for me. Roy sent me a link to a website, Navy For Moms, and it’s been helpful.  I’ve been gathering up information about PIR (Pass In Review-their graduation from boot camp)-where to stay, car rentals, etc. There are overviews of what the kids do at boot camp, when they might be able to call, etc.

And it’s wonderful. It’s nice to get information from Mom’s who have been there.  And yet it hard too.

When it got to the point where i realized that Joe would be leaving soon, I realized I had two choices: 1) I could cry and cling to him or 2) I could enjoy the last few months I had of him being at home full time.

I like to think I chose two.  And again I think a big reason was because of the type of person Joe is-he’s got a big heart, and he’s the type that would rather hurt than hurt someone else/see them hurting.  I knew my fear, sadness, or whatever else i was feeling would rub off on him and that’s NOT what he needed when it came time to take this new path.

Nuke School isn’t going to be easy-it’s elite, it’s tough, and he needs to feel secure, motivated and confident to succeed. 

Sure, I still cry on occasion.  We have a five bedroom house, and right outside the door to each of the bedrooms we have pictures of the kids. Addi’s room has Addi’s picture next to it. Today, Roy moved Joe’s picture and hung up Dean’s-it’s now Dean’s room.

Dean has bunk beds, and I thought it would be cool if Joe slept there when he came home, Dean loves the idea of having Joe sleep there, but it’s still HIS room.

I did laundry today, and there was nothing that belonged to Joe. No, basketball shorts or gym socks-nothing. And it was a reminder that he has moved on.

And though it hurts, and I miss him dearly, I find the pride is surfacing more readily now than the tears. The more I read about Nuke school the prouder I become-this is a big deal!  And Joe is going to attend!

Hayden now has his own room, and Dean is not sitting in his booster seat at the table any more-there are only six of us, usually five as Corey works five days a week now. And I’m finding my own way.

I got a job-it’s only about 15 hours a week at our local grocery store (I’m working at Customer Service/Cashier) but it’s perfect!  I’ll leave early, but be home to get the younger boys off the bus, help with homework and cook dinner, things that are very important to me.  And I’m so excited about actually buying Roy something for his birthday with money I earned!  It’s been a long time since I could say that!  It isn’t a lot of money, or a lot of hours, but this fits perfectly into what I want right now.

Joe knew about the job before he left, and when I told them I got the job he gave me a hug and a high five. All the little boys have said they will be good-Addi and Corey assured me they will help out when I’m working during the week as Roy also has to work. It’s feels good.

And wouldn’t you know it-I’m writing about how strong I’ve been, and I started crying as I typed this!  Oh well, I’m getting better.

I’ve been absent for a bit-we were getting ready to send Joe off to Boot camp, and from there he would go down to Charleston, SC for Navy Nuke School.

And it’s hard! SO very hard. I didn’t want my blog, something I’ve enjoyed writing for years to be months of me crying and weeping that I was going to miss him, so I kept to myself a bit. We helped him clean out his room, get his accounts in order, and just get ready.  I peppered him with little tidbits here and there.

“Please make sure you eat healthy, ok?” I would tell him over breakfast, “Eat some fruits and vegetables, promise me?”

“Stay away from those girls that are just looking to marry a guy in the military, ok?”

“If you need help with laundry, just give me a call.”

And to his credit, he rarely snapped at me, and he promised me he would do all those things. If he needed help with his nuke classes, he would ask for it, and he would study hard.

He promised that he would write, and call when he could.

I told him he had to make time for fun too, I don’t want him burning out. He promised he would, and that he would make friends.

I want him to be 18!  Nuke school is the top (and forgive my bragging here a bit!) 10% of Navy recruits!  The top 3% of high school seniors are the qualifiers here, and our Joe is one of them!  I know the school is grueling, the hours are long, and at the beginning the pay off might seem far away, but in the end, if he finishes this school, he’ll be set. This type of training can translate into a good job in the private sector if he chooses not to make the Navy his career.

But he’s still only 18. The boys he will be going to school with, and they are boys, will be his age or just a few years older. They need time to be kids, and I hope they take advantage of their liberty-responsibly!-but they need that time.

And yesterday was the day.

Driving down to the recruiting station I thought back to exactly one year ago.  We were on our way to a family vacation in Gatlinburg, TN. I looked behind us as Roy drove-Joe was asleep, they younger boys either staring out the window or playing games.

“I only have a year left with him.” I told Roy, choking on the already present tears.

Roy reached across the seats and gripped my hand, “We still have a year.”

And we tried to make sure Joe was ready-we made memories, and pushed him to get his license. We made sure he prepared himself physically, and encouraged him to get a job to save some pocket money.  

We kept on top of him, it was his senior year after all, in regards to his grades.  And before I knew it, he was graduating.

“We still have a month.” Roy told me.

And we watched movies, went to  the ‘water hole,’ and I fixed his favorite foods. And that month became a week, and that week became 24 hours.  

I struggled-do I pack as much as I can into those final 24 hours at home, or keep things normal-as Joe is the type to appreciate normality.

I decided to keep things normal. I let him sleep in-as surely days of sleeping until 10 am will be few and far between.

I did make a big breakfast-it was Corey’s 20th birthday too, but I kept it simple. Corey’s favorites, and everyone around the table.

For dinner I made something I figured everyone would like-but it wasn’t a five course meal.

And I think Joe appreciated it.  It was a final day of being taken care of by mom. He played with his younger brothers and assured Dean that he could have his room when he left.  He took out the dogs and watched a silly movie with Roy and I.

And then, when he finally went to sleep I crept into his room at around 2 AM. It was the last night this would be HIS room.

Sure, he’ll come home, but barring an emergency (knock on wood) Joe has chosen his path and is finding his way. And because this is how things are supposed to work, I have to let him go.

And I did, though there was some tears on my end. Joe is just like Roy in this respect-he’s a rock, a stone wall, but he hates to see his Mom hurting. So, I tried not to cry in front of him too much. I didn’t want to make him feel guilty for being excited, for looking forward to this next step in his life.

But I couldn’t help it yesterday.  We didn’t have much time in the recruiter’s office. We got to say goodbye, and then Joe was off. I know Roy purposely wanted to not prolong anything-the more upset I got, the more upset Joe would get. And that isn’t any way for him to start this amazing new phase in his life.

I hugged him,  and had trouble articulating what I wanted to say:

That we were so proud of him. That no matter how hard things get, we know he can do this. That despite being bigger than me, he’ll always be my little boy.

I wanted to tell him that I loved his big heart, and his amazing kindness. I wanted to thank him for making me laugh over the years, and for being a truly wonderful big brother.

I wanted to tell him that he was taking a piece of my heart with him, and that I love him more than he would ever know.

But all I came up with was, “Be careful, and do your best.”

Roy hugged him next, and I couldn’t hear what he said, but Joe turned to me again, hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I love you Mom.”

I felt his arms around me, and remembered the little boy that would hug my legs and ask me for a ice pop. But these arms were strong, and I wanted to cling to him for just a moment longer.

“I love you too sweetie. So very much.”

Roy put his arm around me and said to the recruiter, “Take care of him for us.”

And I felt the tears course down my face, as I saw him smile and wave at me one more time before the door closed.

The ride home was quiet. I looked out the window, and remembered so many things: His smile, how excited he was to graduate. His pride at being accepted to this program.

When we got home, Roy said he was proud of Joe.

I nodded and Roy took me in his arms, “It’s going to be ok, honey. He’s going to be great.”

I just nodded.

When we were dropping Joe off, one of our favorite songs came on the radio. “Carry On Wayward Son” by Kansas.

“Are you kidding me?!” I said, and the three of us laughed. 

Joe’s not wayward. He’s not unpredictable or volatile, he’s a rock. A calm port in the storm, just like Roy.

And Roy reminded me of something yesterday, and no doubt he will again:

Joe is finding his way down that path we call life, and we should be proud of him.

But still, when I walked into his room this morning, and looked around, it felt strange. He wasn’t at his desk, in fact his computer is gone-he sold it to a friend that couldn’t afford a brand new one. The books he wants to keep have been boxed up, and stored in our basement. The clothes he didn’t want passed down to the younger boys. All the little things that made it his room-are gone. Either packed up, passed on or thrown out.

I stood there, and looked around and the tears came again.

This is what happens next. The kids move on, and I have to hope we did all we could to get them ready for whatever comes next.

But still-I miss him so very much. I see his face in my mind constantly, and it sucks that I wont’ get to see it every day anymore.

Proud Mom of a US Navy Sailor!!!!

When Joe left for Boot camp, Roy found a website for Navy Moms/Wives/Girlfriends, and though I’m not very active on it, they do stress OPSEC rules (basically, I can’t talk about much concerning my son and his Navy career…to keep it simple).

So, without giving away too much, I’ll just say:

ROY AND I ARE THE PROUD PARENTS OF A US NAVY SAILOR!!!

We are actually getting ready to head on up to the Chicago area for Joe’s graduation, and I can’t wait to see him!

When we got the call from him saying his Ship was done, and that they passed their final test, we were so proud, I was almost speechless!  Hard to imagine I know!

We’ve always been proud of Joe - proud of all the boys. He’s a hard worker, he always puts his best foot forward, and he’s always been more than willing to help others. Teamwork, or more importantly asking for help has not always been his strong suit, and yet to make it through these last few months, he’s had to do just that.

We saw boys get hurt, get sick and some went home because they were having a hard time being away, things happen, and not everyone is able to get through it-and that’s ok, but I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a small part of me that was relieved to have gotten that call. He made it!

I’m actually having a hard time focusing right now!!

In less than two days, we’ll get to see Joe!!!

About a month ago, Joe enlisted in the Navy.  (I actually think a few of his friends are jealous that Joe knows what he wants to do after graduation) He has a date for boot camp-July 8, 2014-and now he is just going to concentrate on his Senior Year.

Roy and I are so proud of him.  He knows what he wants, and he went for it.

He decided he wanted to go into the Navy’s Nuclear Engineering program-and he was ONE point short.  See, from what we were told the best of the best qualify for this.  Which means only a select few are able to enroll in this arduous program.  And our son wanted in.

He had to take a test to qualify, and in my mind I knew he would be fine.

But it was still AWESOME when he came back from the test and told me that he was in!

The look on Joe’s face was priceless, and I wish I had snapped a picture.

So, here’s to our boy-one of the best of the best!

So, Today we got our first letter from Joe. It sounds like he is having some of the usual problems/issues associated with boot camp, but it also sounds as if he is having to learn to be an adult and advocate for himself.

Growing up, I think it was easy to assume that Mom would do the things that needed to be done, and some of that was for practical reasons. Take for instance, Doctor appointments-they were on our insurance, so even if they could get there themselves, either Roy or myself had to be there to deal with insurance. Practicality.

I had to do laundry for Roy and I, as well as the little kids, why not just do everyone’s. Same with cooking, shopping for essentials, etc.

But now, all of a sudden Joe is on his own. Sure, much of his day to day activities are scheduled out for him by the Navy, but that won’t always be the case. And if something comes up health wise, he has to learn to speak up for himself.

When we got his letter, and I read of some of the issues he is having my first thought was: I need to write to him and tell him how to fix these things, but I can’t do that. Not anymore.

Yes, we can tell him to stay strong, to keep his chin up, but for all intents and purposes, he has to figure this out on his own.

But it’s hard to let go.

I suppose it’s easier to see when it isn’t my child. A friend of ours has a daughter that is almost 23 years old. She’s engaged to be married and has a baby on the way. She and her fiance just signed their first lease, and our friend is doing all the heavy lifting in regards to coordinating moving issues, etc.

A part of me wants to tell her that she doesn’t have to do all of that, not anymore. Her daughter is an adult, taking a very adult step, let her figure it out.

On the other hand, I know I would be doing the exact same thing! I would hire the Uhaul, go through the house and want to give the kids things for their new place, etc, etc.

But, I have to remember that IF I’m always fixing things for the kids, they will never find their own voice.

I’m very big on teaching the kids the value of having their own opinions, of knowing their own mind. But I’m sometimes not so good at letting them do just that.

I don’t want them to struggle, to suffer, to have to learn the hard way, and yet that’s exactly what Roy and I had to do.

It would be so much easier to say, “this is the better way to do it.”

But then I’m stuck with a 30 year old that is still holding on to my apron strings.  Finding this new normal is HARD.

Like REALLY HARD

I’ll admit that when Joe left for Boot Camp, I was worried.  I actually made it a point to ask the recruiter about food, and laundry, etc.  I wanted to make sure he would be able to eat healthy food, and I wanted to be sure that I taught him the proper way to do laundry. (I actually enjoy doing laundry, so the boys aren’t always that up to date.) In short, I was worried about our son leaving, and not being able to deal with everything-bills, insurance, money, etc.

I was wrong. We tried to set a good example.  We told the kids about money, we were honest when we were short on it, and tried to show them that fun is also important.  Roy jokes that he works so hard so we can play hard.

I’m not the best housekeeper, but I try.  I prepared healthy meals for the boys, and we tried hard to sit down as a family at least three or four times a week.

We encouraged them to go out with friends, and while we didn’t put a lot of restrictions on them (Roy and I never bothered with a curfew), we made it clear that we expected them to keep us updated as to where they were, who they were with, what they were doing and we went from there.

In short, we did our best to prepare them for that moment when we would leave this house.

And Joe hasn’t disappointed.  Sure if he needs advice, he knows he can call on us (he went to the shooting range and asked Roy about handguns, he wanted some new shoes and jeans, he asked mom) and he does.  But for the most part, he’s made it clear that he’s an adult.  He came right out and told me that he loves Roy and I, but we did a good job of making him aware of what would need to be dealt with, and if he made a mistake, he makes a mistake-he’ll learn.

And isn’t that how it should be?  I joined a group for parents with kids in Joe’s field, and I can’t believe some of the stuff put out there!

“I have access to all my son’s money, and tell him what he can and can’t spend it on.”

Huh?  Your son is an active duty member of the armed forces.  He earned that money, is 20 years old, and you think it’s still ok to tell him that he can’t go to Subway after a three hour study session?  REally?

And what happens when your child is deployed, communication is spotty and he can’t figure out whether or not he’s allowed to buy a book he really wants?

When do we cut the apron strings?

I won’t lie, I miss Joe dearly.  He’s been gone almost ten months, and I still get teary when I see or hear something that reminds me of him, I miss our son with all my heart, but I also know that he’s an adult.

Years ago, I said that there will come a time when Roy and I have to trust that we did our best.  That we took all our knowledge, experience, advice, and whatever else we could offer, and handed it to the boys.  We would have to admit that it was time to let go.

For Joe that time came, for Corey that time came (for the most part), and we have to trust that we did the best we could.

I realize that not every family is like ours, but in a situation like Joe’s, when your child is learning a skill that enables him to serve his country, when he/she is EARNING there money, isn’t it time to at least loosen the strings a bit?

As I have mentioned before-numerous times before-Joe will be leaving in less than a year for Boot Camp.  After graduation, which is on a Friday, he has Saturday and Sunday off, and then needs to leave for Nuc School.

So, I decided before he leaves, I would love to do a 5K with him.  He is very active and takes his health seriously, so I thought this would be something we could do together, and hopefully he will look back at it fondly, and think:

“WOW, my mom really held me back!" 

so, today we started training, and I realized, just how much I dislike running.  I’m not the best runner to begin with, but I’m just not a fan of cardio.  I’ll take weights any day of the week.  But, I want to lose a few more pounds, and I know Joe has a 1 1/2 mile run he has to do in Boot Camp.

So, today we set out.  And I’ll be darned if I didn’t do ok!

Now, Joe was a lot faster than me, and he had much better endurance, but I kept going.  I didn’t jog (cause let’s be real, I jog, I don’t run) the whole way, but I give myself little goals.

"Ok, I’m going to run to that tree up ahead.”

“Ok, I’ll walk to the bench.”

“I’m going to jog for 2 minutes, and then walk for 1.”

Etc, etc

So, at one point, Joe laps me and then pulls up along side of me.

“Where you going, mom?”  

I told him I was going to run to the bridge and then up and around the basketball courts to head home.  So, he joined me.  I stopped to walk for a bit, and when I reached my ‘goal’ I said aloud

“Ok, Joe, I’m going to run to that group of trees, over there.”

“Ok, Do it Mom!” He encouraged me.

And when I started to jog, I heard him clap for me.

God, I am going to miss him so much!

Over two years ago, Roy and I drove our son to the navy recruiter’s office.  NOT to enlist-he’d already done that the previous year. No, we took him there to say goodbye.  Joe was about to start this journey with the US Navy.

Proud can’t begin to describe how we felt, but as a mom-all I could see was my little boy.  The little boy that used to be afraid of the water, the one that loved to go to the store for a 'candy bomb.’ (what he used to call a candy bar)  

That little boy was 18, and about to leave home.

What the next two years brought was intermittent phone calls, an occasional letter-late night or early morning texts.  Joe was going through a rigorous program that would take the better part of two years. Breaks were few and far between, time off came during the dead of night.  

But he hung in there-he pushed, and he pulled, cried and fought and he finished the program.

And at nine thirty last night-he walked in the door. Home for a month!

Corey doesn’t have classes during the summer-and though he works alot, he is here.

Hayden and Dean are home for the summer, and in a few short weeks Addi will get back from visiting his grandparents.

What does this mean you ask?

It mean, this mom of five boys will have all her babies at home! For a few glorious weeks-all our boys will be back under one roof!

I’m so happy right now, I could burst!

I shouldn’t even call this post that-it should probably read a parent’s pride.  Without going into too much detail (one-because I don’t know how much we are allowed to say and two-it’s so complicated I don’t even really know how to describe it!) we recently got back from Charleston, SC.  Ok, I can give details about that-more on that in a bit.  But we went down there for Joe’s graduation. Our son is in the Navy, and he recently finished up a part of his training.  We took that as an opportunity to drive down to celebrate with him, and to visit Charleston.

Let me say-I don’t know if I’ve ever been that hot. And I lived in Okinawa for four years. WOW! We went down to King Street,and walking outside from the restaurants or shops literally takes your breath away-the heat is just stifling.  But, we had a good time, and I was beyond thrilled to see our son.  The last time we saw him was at Christmas, and though we text and try to talk at least once a week, it isn’t the same.

So, he graduated on Friday, but Roy and I decided to drive down Thursday to spend a bit more time visiting Charleston and Roy’s parents, who made the drive up from Alabama for this occasion.

“Almost there!” I texted Joe when the GPS said we had about 45 minutes until we got there.

“Cool! How much further?” he texted me right back.

“About 40 minutes give or take. I’ll let you know when we are closer.”

I was anxious. I miss him so much, and just knowing we’d see him in less than an hour had me on pins and needles.

“About ten minutes, sweetie.” Roy told me. WOW!  Fastest 45 miles EVER!

I sent Joe a text and he sent one back telling us where we could pick him up.  We pulled into the parking lot and soon saw him walking towards us.

And this is where my heart melted.  Roy has always been very upfront with the boys. He tells them he loves them, that he is proud of them. He jokes with them, and will spend hours talking to them, or helping them with work, etc.  But he and the boys aren’t always the most physically affectionate.  He is with me. And the boys are all with me. (YES, I am proud that all five of the boys willingly hug and will give me a kiss on the cheek, they have never cared who sees!)

Roy was closer to Joe than I was, and he got out of the car and just wrapped our son in a huge hug.  Roy held tight and Joe held on just as tight, and what a moment for me this was.  I don’t know what it was about that moment that melted my heart, but just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye.

I get sad, as Roy calls it, when it comes to Joe.  I miss him so much when he isn’t here, and I’ll often cry while I’m alone-in the bathroom or when I get up very early. It isn’t that Roy will make fun of me, but there just isn’t anything he can do, and I know that makes him feel bad. When I’m upset he wants to fix it, to make things better for me, and in this case he can’t.  And though I know Roy misses Joe, I think it’s different for him. He is so proud, and I think his pride in our son outweighs the ‘sad.’ He can put aside missing Joe, because he’s so proud of what he’s doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely proud of him, and I know the field he is in is one of the most elite, and hardest programs and Joe is soaring, but I miss him terribly, and sometimes I forget how proud I am, and just want to walk into his old room and see him there.

Anyways, that hug between the two of them just reminded me that Roy misses him too. That I’m not alone in this journey of seeing our sons’ move forward with their lives.

That hug just reminded me that Roy misses him as much as I do.  That he will miss Corey as much as I do-because our oldest is about to leave home too!

And I was so taken by the moment, that of course I forgot to get a picture!

Sooo, I make a pact with myself to spend more time giving in to my feelings of restlessness when it comes to writing…and than I don’t write for four day?  Go figure!

It could be because our timeline got moved up.

What timeline you ask?

Well, I’ll tell ya,  Hayden is a Freshman this year, Dean is in fifth grade-so he’ll start middle school next year, and Roy works about 60 miles from home. NOT horrible, until you factor in rush hour traffic.  Sometimes, Roy gets into the office in an hour an a half, sometimes it take twice that-my goal was to move the summer before Hayden’s junior year.  That would give him two years at a new high school, Dean would have two years at the middle school before moving into HS, but my husband is beat.  With the new position he accepted, he’s going in almost daily-and I know it’s hard on him.  So, we’re looking to move in just a few months!

Ugh, I said it out loud

We’ve been here so long, I forgot why I dislike the process.  Getting the house ready, finding a new house…and than there’s THE PURGE.

I decided to start small, something no one could have any say over-my closet.  I listed items on ebay, I put aside items for a yard sale-and felt accomplished until I looked at my closet.  Pretty sure it looks no different.  When did I accumulate so much stuff?  

To be fair, Roy’s side of the closet looks similar.  I tell the man he needs to purge and he gives me two t-shirts-out of the 50 he owns-though he only wears about 10.  He has a t-shirt that he wears constantly (I wash it, he wears it-vicious cycle) that I can see through-I kid you not.  It didn’t start out like that, he just wears it constantly!  To boot-it says Grooveshark (does anyone even remember what that is?) and he got it for free!  Not that there’s anything wrong with promotional swag-I love my pens, but when it’s starting to disintegrate, maybe it’s time to move on?

Now, for my case I realized I have way to many shirts with goofy sayings.  Some I bought for the specific purpose of basketball games-I have a few with sayings, or Hayden’s number, etc.  But most say ridiculous things like, “More Tacos please.”  I’m not sure why I need three shirts that say that-especially when all are just different shades of grey.  

And you’d think when the shirts hold no real sentimental value it would be easy to let go of-apparently, it is not.  You never know when you might find yourself in desperate need of tacos and maybe you’ve lost your voice?  I don’t know…

And let’s not even get in to my legging collection.  Now, in the winter I do wear them-daily for the most part.  I wear tunics and leggings, or a sweater and leggings, etc.  They’re warm and cute-the more colorful the better!  But I’m short, so specific brands fit me best-so why do I have pair after pair that are too big? 

I think there was a time when I bought clothes to make myself happy-I was feeling out of sorts, sad-and when I worked through that-I was left with a packed closet.  And so, THE PURGE commenced.

I truly hope the kitchen isn’t like this-or you’ll find me crying in the shower…