…from posting about my magazines to talk about something a bit more serious…trust in a marriage.

Without going in to too many personal details, there has been a ‘compromise’ of sorts in this area in my marriage.  My husband betrayed my trust, and I betrayed his…so can that be fixed?  Perhaps the better question is, do both parties want it to be fixed….

For me, I have been given no choice.  He said that he has not done anything else that I would consider a betrayal of trust, and that it is up to me to beleive him or not.  I have to say, I don’t know if I agree with that….shouldn’t people prove they are trsutworthy?

For my part, money is an issue.  I pay the bills and handle the finances.  I don’t mind doing this, it makes me feel useful, on the other hand my husband does not believe that I do a good job here, and I admit in the past I have not.  I have gone through ‘episodes’ (for lack of a better word) where I used ‘retail therapy’ as a way to make myself feel better.  I was made at my husband, let me buy a new shirt.  My kids did something wrong, let me buy a pair of sunglasses.  Don’t get me wrong…I don’t do this at the expense of our mortgage or car payments, I am not looking at all our new stuff in the dark because I forgot to pay the electric bill.  On the other hand, my husband makes enough that we should have some savings, and we have none.  I will admit that I am part of the problem, on the other hand, I admit that it pisses me off that my husband takes NO responsibility for anything.  Is that my fish tank?  Is that my motorcycle in the garage?  My HUGE TV? (OK, I admit it…I LOVE that TV more than him and it is easy on my bad eyes…)  the point is, we both like nice things..and IF I tell him…can we wait until the next time you get paid?  Or we don’t have the money right now?  I get dirty looks…so, do I stick to my guns, or do I give in because I don’t want him to be mad at me.  I admit it…99.9% of the time..I give in.

So, we got a nice tax return..and I coached again this past winter.  Is it better to pay off the credit card that is charging us interest?  To get caught up on all the bills and start fresh?  I thought so, but I am wrong.

I admit that perhaps I am not a very trustworthy person…I live in fear of disappointing my husband, so I do things my way and figure I will explain them later.  On the other hand, I am not given a chance to prove that I am doing what I said I would do..I am just told I am full of crap (though that isn’t the word that was used).  Which makes me defensive, and frankly it does make me feel like crap..so again, do I ignore how I feel and just say, “hey, look…YOU said you trusted me to do it…so trust me.”  And then ignore the dirty looks and the snide comments, or do I once again, cry and say I am sorry, forgive me, forgive me.  Perhaps part of my frustration comes from the fact, that I am not supposed to say anything about his breach of my trust, I can not question him on that without starting a fight, and I admit this bothers me.  My mouth is to be kept shut.

Well, this time I KNOW I am doing what I said I would…and frankly, I am tired to apologizing.  So, I will do what I continue to do, and get things done.  And let’s face it…he will get his fish tank stuff, and we will go on vacation, whether I feel like doing it or not.

(OK…OK…perhaps all of that sounded harsh, and angry, and if I am being honest…in a way I feel harsh and angry, but I got to vent somewhere!)