First let me say, since my husband reads this occasionally, that this is something he pulls when he is annoyed with me. 90% of the time, it’s ‘our money.’ Or rather he doesn’t complain too much. He rarely chastises me for something I buy, though (and rightfully so) he does joke that I need to stop buying toys for our youngest. I HOPE that he knows should I want to purchase something out of the ordinary (an expensive purse, shoes, etc) that I will say something to him first to gauge his reaction. HOWEVER, there are times when I get annoyed. R enjoys building up websites, I know he does…I know it is a challenge for him and that he enjoys it. I want him to be happy, so I encourage him to do these side projects, however, I admit…I am selfish. There was a time in our marriage that he would stay up until 2-3 in the morning playing some silly game (I think it was called Counterstrike) or working on web pages…I didn’t like it. I tried to hold my tongue and for the most part I think I did ok, but I wanted to go to bed with my husband. There was another time he worked just as late for a former company..leaving me essentially alone with the kids…I tried not to say anything. There are weekends, that he does little more than work on his computer….sadly, I am too slow to get what he does, but I know he isn’t with me and the kids. AND, for the most part I am ok with that…it makes him happy, and his happiness is important to me, what gets me is his attitude. He seems to think all I want is the money…NOT the case, I want him compensated for the time he spends away with us..there is a difference. He doesn’t want to share a dime of it with me…I could give a damn, but I want to know he gets SOMETHING for the work he does.
On the other hand….I admit to being annoyed with the issue when I was working. Right after we had A, my husband told me he felt I should stay home with the children and he would work. That he always envisioned taking care of a family. Maybe it is a matter of pride with him….I don’t know, but he is good at it. And since, about the only marketable skill I have is coaching swimming (and sadly you don’t make squat doing that!) it makes sense that R is the one to work outside the home. BUT, there was a time when I coached full time…I loved my job. I worked long hours, got dumped on by my boss, but I LOVED those kids. I felt like I was appreciated, needed, and so I pushed on. When I worked the money went right to the family….at the time we were younger, R made less money, and it helped, but NOW, R makes enough money that me working is a choice I get to make, but whatever I earn…still goes right to the family. For the most part, I don’t mind. I would spend the money I earned on buying things for the kids or the house anyways…so I happily do it, but there are times it bothers me. Most noteably this summer-I am pregnant…the beginning was rough. Morning sickness almost daily, I couldn’t sleep, migraines and this weird rash all over my body (we still don’t know what that was!), BUT I made a committment to coach this summer and I stuck with it. That is fine….I enjoy it, BUT no one seemed to understand that turning around and going out of town wasn’t something I was looking forward too. Yes, R makes good money, but we enjoy taking advantage of that. We have all the latest toys, the kids have nice clothes, everyone like to eat out, etc….going away and enjoying it takes money too…so I put what little I earned into going away. Ok, cool, the only problem…I wanted to stay home…why, nothing to do with my in-laws…I adore them! I was exhausted, and it was a long ass drive.
Honestly, I realize I have it pretty lucky. MANY families have no choice but to live on two incomes, me having the choice to work or not is a luxury, and not one I take lightly. So, how do you tell the man that has given you that choice that it bothers you when he pulls the “it’s my money, it’s my car, it’s my house…’ thing on you. Sure, maybe you called him a butthole right before he said it, but it’s a reminder that this relationship is not on equal footing. One time we were in the car arguing about something, and he made the comment that I would be in trouble without him…and he’s right….a single woman..pregnant with four kids. Who would hire me! Even IF I could get a job it wouldn’t be enough to support my boys….nevermind the fact that no man would look at me seeing as I come with so much baggage. When he asked that, my first thought, he’s right. I need him….sad thing is….once again this shows how unequal our relationship is. IF I left, he would have a big house all to himself…of course I would leave the dogs with him, a nice car, a cool motorcycle (with no one to nag him about driving carefully!), and a salary in the six figures….I would have nothing except my boys and the clothes on our backs. Realizing this is only the tip of the ice berg. You either get mad, and and become sullen, or you want to do something about it. So, what do I do? Get a job…ok, and then I get grief about being away from the family (though when my husband is away, it is just something I deal with….) not to mention the jobs I am qualified for require long hours, hard work and there is little reward.
Bottom line, today is one of those days when I am feeling sorry for myself, thinking I am not worth a whole lot other than as a maid, personal driver, cook, nag….I am not needed, as I think my husband and boys would learn to live without me (of which I am grateful for) BUT, could I say the same?
