I admit that I like things to be planned out. We took our boys to DisneyWorld a couple of years ago, and I made dinner reservations, planned which parks we would visit on what day, scheduled in time for shopping and even ‘scheduled’ free time. The way I figure it…we paid a lot of money to spend that week there, I want to get my money’s worth. R would rather we just sort of wing it…but what happens if we miss something? And this is part of the reason I HATE ‘vacations.’ They aren’t fun for me! I know…I know…I should relax and enjoy it…but I don’t. The kids are out of the element, so there is that issue of the ‘new and surprising.’ Anyone with kids knows that isn’t always easy to counteract, when you have kids that NEED to be on a schedule. I can deal with the money, after all we all need to get away from the daily grind, so we have to save money, OR you dump it all on a credit card..which for my husband and I causes more stress, so our option is to save money….not always easy to do. But ok….fine, we do it. MY problem is…we are expecting another baby..and we have NOTHING. We thought H was going to be our last…so we got rid of everything. We are going to spend all this money, and all I can think is….there are SO many other things we need to get.

BUT, for me the big thing is…and I realize this is probably petty and selfish, but R and the boys don’t seem to get why I dread this. I am almost five months pregnant, I get carsick driving 20 minutes from the house….does anyone REALLY think I am excited about an 11 hour drive? I have a bacterial infection compounded by my hormones….and lucky me I get to drive to a WARMER climate with two dogs and four kids. Now, I am not going to sit here and complain about my inlaws…I adore my mother and father in law. There have been a number of instances where I talk to my in laws rather than my own parents. In the chronicles of inlaws…I was blessed, I admit that. BUT, all I want from my family is for them to admit and acknowledge that this is NOT going to be easy for me. NOT once did anyone suggest an alternative…it was just assumed that I would suck it up and deal with it, well guess what? That is what I have been doing for the last month..while hives, scabs and this mysterious rash racked my body….I have sucked up the last four months of vomiting, dry heaves and just general exhaustion, and in the end…ALL I want is an offer to maybe invite my inlaws to our home, or to at least admit that this trip is going to be rough, but it means something to R and the kids. Instead, I am the bad guy because I have these feelings! And perhaps that is what bothers me the most….I feel guilty for feeling this way, because R and the boys are usually NEVER this blind when it comes to my feelings. Perhaps I AM selfish for feeling this way.