Well, today was a rough day.  We visited a wonderful preschool. Well, let me clarify, it seems wonderful, and I have heard great things about it, and Dean seemed to love it.  Roy and I went in for a tour, and Dean was able to spend about an hour in the classroom. 

He seemed to fit right in!  We got there at snack time, which, of course, Dean loved.  So he munched on chocolate dipped pretzels, organic applesauce, and a Capri-Sun.  We left him to go view the rest of the school, and when we came back, he was happily singing songs during ‘circle time.’

The teacher has a wealth of experience and seemed to love her job.  The class seemed organized without being overly regimented.  The kids all seemed happy, and they welcomed Dean right into their group.

There were paintings hanging up, the kids made noodle necklaces to wear to their annual Thanksgiving feast, and everywhere we looked, bright and cheerfulness ruled.

So what’s the problem?  Well, it’s me!

Dean’s my baby.  The last baby we will ever have, and when I saw him having fun and making friends, it made me think that perhaps I should have sent him to preschool this year rather than waiting.

I wonder if I’m doing him a disservice wanting him to be home with me for one more year.  But he is well adjusted, he makes friends easily, and he is happy.

We didn’t have the best experience with Hayden’s preschool - he just didn’t learn a whole lot.  Two years and thousands of dollars for what?  Well, really expensive play dates.  And though Hayden is doing well in Second Grade, he did have to play some catch up, and that did cause a few issues with his self esteem and his enjoyment of the first few years of ‘real school.’

So, I want to make sure that Dean’s experience in preschool gives him a better start, a leg up if you will.  But I admit, the idea of sending my little boy to school five days a week - even if it is for just a few hours a day - makes me sad.

I’m a Stay At Home Mom.  It’s what I do.  I hesitate to say it’s who I am, because it isn’t ALL I am, but I love what I do.  I love being here when the boys leave for school. I love being here when Dean walks down the stairs.  His soft brown hair sticking up at odd angles, and he crawls into my lap.

“Mama, can I have something to eat?” He looks at me and gently strokes my cheek.

“Sure,” I always answer him, “What would you like today?”

He puts his little finger near his mouth and ponders my question seriously, “Umm… choc milk, waffles, and yogurt.”

I love being the one to get that for him.  I like watching his silly show, Ben 10, with him.  And playing with his action figures.

He will occasionally help me with the dogs, maybe help me put up laundry, and we eat lunch together almost every day.

And when he goes to school, when the last of my little boys leaves, what fills my day?  There is only so much laundry to do, only so many dishes to wash.  What becomes of this Stay At Home Mom, when there is no one at home left to mother?

Well, during the hours of 7am-3pm, there will be no one to mother.