The second ‘Best Thing’ we can all do for our kids is from Barbara Walters.  I won’t debate or rehash the woman’s credentials, we all know how talented she is  and the success she has had.  But I think this is a tad flawed.

2) Be Accepting of Everyone-Umm…nope.  I tell my kids to give everyone a chance.  People deserve that.  But if someone has racist views, is a homophobe, a neo-nazi…my kids have to accept that?

Yes, I want my kids to learn tolerance, but I don’t want them to be tolerant of certain things.  

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

I believe this wholeheartedly.  Sure, sometimes my evil is someone cutting in front of me at Taco Bell, but sometimes it someone telling a racist joke.  Another time it was young men ridiculing our gay son.  Saying something MIGHT not change their viewpoints, but what if it does?

I want my kids to learn compassion.  We root for the underdog.  ”Rudy” still gets to me.  I like to see the little guy win.  The team no one thought would make it, gets their props.  If someone likes one of my boys and they don’t return their feelings, I want them to think about how easily they could hurt that person and keep that in mind.  I want them to stick up for the smaller kid being bullied, but I don’t want them to accept those bullies.

No, I don’t think my kids need to accept everyone.  That doesn’t mean you can’t be cordial to someone you dislike.  It doesn’t mean you don’t treat them professionally if it is a work environment or with respect if it’s a teacher, but the word accept implies consent, and that doesn’t work in every situation.

Sorry Barbara-this doesn’t make my list.

So, Redbook, one of my favorite women’s magazines is running this article in the May issue.  I think I will take one ‘suggestion’ a day and break it down.

This first nugget of wisdom is brought to us by Dr. Mehmet Oz (Dr. Oz).

1) DO NOT BE A COUCH POTATO-I want to say “DUH!” here, I really do, but we do have a problem with obesity here in America, don’t’ we?  Both in adults and children.  Not a good thing.

After having five kids, I was one of those women that ‘looked good for having five kids.’  CArdio I could still pump it out when I had too, and I had always been strong, but I didn’t just want to look ok, I wanted to feel ok too.

The cruise we took last summer was the perfect motivator, and it did feel good to lose some weight.  When the kids saw Roy and I getting fit, they eagerly climbed on the bandwagon.  They tried new vegetables, and enjoyed more fruits.  And while I didn’t become obsessed with counting calories (I know myself, being too strict would backfire) the kids did help out.  They understood why I didn’t want to keep Poptarts and chocolate in the house all the time, and they were supportive.

We have always encouraged them to pursue sports if that is what they want to do, and they tried their best when they did play, but we wanted to do more than just stress exercise, we wanted to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

So, I’ll give Dr. Oz this one.

Isn’t that a question we would all like the answer too?  Wouldn’t you just love to be able to google that and get a definitive answer?

“A Good Mom is blah, blah, blah.  A Good Mom does this, this and this.”

BOOM!  You know if you meet the qualifications before you even have kids.  You know if you have kids whether you are measuring up.  Wouldn’t that be nice?

But let’s get real…how the hell do you answer that question?  What is a good mom to your kids might not fit for mine?

Sure there are some universal qualifications-provide them a stable home, nutritious food, clothing.  An education for at least the first 17 or 18 years of their life.  Abuse-not even worth talking about.

But what about the other things?  I know some kids want to play every sport their school offers, that might not be possible, but would a ‘good mother’ encourage that, and try to find a way to let them play perhaps a few?  Maybe one a season?

Other kids want to be involved in the arts, or technology in some aspect.  Maybe they enjoy arts and crafts.

Or perhaps they are like my kids-they want some freedom to explore their own thing.  Right now for Corey-that’s finishing up high school and working part time.  Joe is finishing up 10th grade and involved in JROTC.  Addi is plodding along in 7th grade, and learning all about Minecraft with his friends.  Hayden is having fun!  (2nd grade and playing with his friends outside) And Dean well Dean likes being with Mommy, but he recently made his first friend in the neighborhood, and he likes playing with him. 

If the kids are interested in a sport, we try to encourage that.  We sign them up for teams, Roy has even coached them.  We get them the necessary equipment and try to attend every event.  But we don’t push it, our kids dont’ respond well to that, but that doesn’t mean the little boy down the street won’t.

I try to do family dinners at least four times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.  We sit around and laugh, we joke (sometimes the jokes are a little inappropriate) we recount silly things the boys did.  That works for my family, maybe it won’t work for yours.

Our boys don’t care if they are seen with us.  My older two will give me piggy back rides, or put their arms around me (HEY! That dude with the chainsaw scared me at Busch Gardens!), that doesn’t embarrass them, but maybe your child isn’t as affectionate.

The boys are on Facebook, well the Corey and Addi are, and they have ‘friended’ Roy and I.  They don’t care if we see what they post, they don’t even care if we post on their walls.  I’m sure not all kids feel that way.

Kids come in all shapes, sizes, mentalities, and emotional levels.  There is no ‘good fit’ for every child above the basics.  Part of being a parent is learning to adapt, and make adjustments.  Not even every child in the same family will behave the same way.  

So, what makes a good mom?  

Best answer: Being there for your child.

I did want to add this-when I say be there, I don’t mean if you can’t be a SAHP you are faltering.  Maybe you are a single parent and need to work, but when you can you need to put your child first.  If you have to work and miss a game, send them a text tell them that morning, the night before, whenever that you’ll be thinking about them and hope they have a good game.  If English isn’t your best subject and they need help with a paper, tell them!  And then look it up together, figure it out the best you can.  Maybe dinner together isn’t doable, what about breakfast or brunch on the weekend?

A few years ago, Roy and I went through something pretty big. It was a rough time, so rough I looked into divorce.

I will say part of that was me, not wanting to deal with something that interfered with our plan-we did things pretty traditionally.  Home, moving up in his career, me supporting him emotionally and mentally, a bigger home, and eventually there would come a time when it was just us, and we would hopefully have the freedom and the means to pursue some of the things we wanted.  Travel, a boat, fixing up a home on a lake big enough for said boat.  And then there was a kink, a kink I couldn’t deal with in my own mind for months.

Through it all, I raged at Roy, and tried desperately to hide it from the kids.  (I will say it was not an affair) I was mad at myself, because in moments (rare though they were at this stage) of calm, I thought to myself:

“This isn’t something we can’t get through!” 

“Is this really that big a deal?”

When I finally told my mom, because let’s be honest all I wanted was a hug from mom, she told me not to be mad at Roy.  She knew he loved me, and it was my job to help him get through this.

And as mad as I was, if I asked myself what I would miss if I walked away the answer surprised me.  I would miss the big things-a man I loved, a home I loved, all the plans we had made. I would miss my inlaws, though I know they would still be a part of my life.  I would miss the lifestyle my husband works hard to provide us.

But it’s the little things-never seeing his smile aimed at me.  Never feeling him turn over on a cold night and seek me out.  

But, it’s funny, I tell my sister what I would miss the most is his ability to make everything ok.  Here I was furious with him, and all I wanted was for him to make it all better.

Isn’t that funny? When I am upset, I hug Roy and put my nose right behind his ear.  For 14 years he has smelled the same (well, for the most part…there was one weekend on the boat…oh, it was bad…) like soap, and something else.  Something strong, masculine and so very comforting.  It reminds me of my dad, and the way he would hold me when I was little-if I fell and he picked me up.  Or if I was sick and he would comfort me.  No other man besides my father, has EVER made me feel so safe, so cared for.  No other man, besides my dad has ever made me feel like the rage in the world couldn’t touch me simply because he was here.

And so, I stayed.  And we worked through our issues.  In the great scheme of things, I think much of the pain and angst was in my own mind.  I learned, I think I did, to be a bit more flexible.  I learned that I simply can’t control everything, nor should I try to.

But my decision to stay, came down to one very simple question: Could I imagine feeling the way I do about my husband with anyone else?

My answer was simple….no.