A reader asked if it was always possible for us to eat dinner together as a family.
Nope!
When the kids were younger, Roy’s job had him working 18 hours to get a site up and running. He would leave at 8 am, and get home at 1 Am, it was crazy! At one point, I got upset and he came home on a Saturday to take the boys and I out for lunch, but then it was right back to the office. Sunday was sacred, and he was home, so I would make a big breakfast and a nice dinner, so the boys got some time with Dad at the dinner table.
Then I started coaching full time, I tried as best I could to get home in time for dinner, sometimes I made it, sometimes I didn’t. When we moved to a bigger house, I rarely got home in time as it took me and hour to get home.
And even now that I stay home, we don’t always sit down for dinner together. Sometimes, Corey’s working, or Roy has a late teleconference meeting. Sometimes, I don’t feel good and don’t cook, or maybe Dean has t-ball.
But, I try at least three or four times a week to have everyone eat together. Sometimes it’s Sunday morning for a big breakfast, sometimes the kids are all home on a Friday night and we have ‘pizza and a movie night.’ We do the best we can.
Today’s tip is from Jewel and this is my favorite one:
8) Give Life a Soundtrack- Music has gotten me through some dark times in my life, it’s also been in the background of some of the best times. When I hear any of the songs on “The Lost Boys” soundtrack, I remember how I begged my parents to let me skip swim practice that night so I could go see the movie with all my friends. I bugged them for DAYS! I promised I would go to an extra practice on Saturday, I would babysit, do whatever, but please, please, please let me go.
They finally said ok, and for me, it was SOO worth it! Loved the movie, loved being with my friends that night, like any other 14 year old. When my dad had to go to the states (we lived in Okinawa at the time) for business he found the soundtrack for me, and I wore it out!
It isn’t just about the music, it’s about the memories the music brings with it.
“You’re Still the one” by Shania Twain, we danced to that song at our wedding.
“A Song for Mama”-Roy danced with his mom to this song at our wedding, but I love it, and I dream of doing the same with one of my boys at his wedding to this song. The words…Ughh…it’s making me tear up now, I want my boys to think that when they think of our relationship.
And the list could go on and on…songs have meaning, the bring back memories, they give you courage, push you forward on a long run. They make you smile, dance or even cry. Music can lighten the mood. Roy made a playlist for me on Spotify, and I listen to it when I cook dinner, it makes the time go by faster and I sing and dance around my kitchen.
Music can put you in the mood, it can lull you to sleep, or it can wake you up. Music has meaning.
My kids never listened to KIdz Bop or music like that, we try to keep it PG with our younger boys for the most part. They appreciate all different types of music from The Red Hot Chili Peppers to Metallica to Usher, they like it all. They appreciate an artists talent, even if they are not fans of the music.
Our lives have soundtracks, music is always there, and I love the idea of telling our boys to be aware of that.
Katie Couric is an accomplished journalist/news correspondent that has a new show coming to us in September. She is also the author of “The Best Advice I Ever Got” a book in which she interviews/talks to celebrities and chronicles the ‘best advice’ they ever got to share with us.
So, continuing on down the list:
7) Have Great Manners-While I like this one (though it’s kind of a “Duh!” right?) when I think of my own kids, I want to say there’s a difference between having great manners and using them!
But she is right. You only get one chance to make a first impression, blowing it by being a complete clod…well, it kind of sucks.
Though to go a step further, depending on what the issue was that messed up the first impression, there is something to be said for admitting your mistake and apologizing for making a bad first impression.
But anyways, like I said, this is sort of a no brainer. We should teach our kids to smile politely, shake hands with confidence, speak respectfully, and show others the same respect we would like ourselves.
I also think it’s important to teach our kids to have a voice. Show them that their opinion matters. Teaching our kids to be vocal doesn’t mean they will always get what they want, but there is something to be said for being able to share your thoughts with others.
Knowing your own mind, and being confident in your own beliefs and opinions is important. It sets the stage for them becoming confident and secure adults.
Fighting is rarely the answer (Sorry, I’m not going to tell my kids to simply stand there and get beat up. I don’t want them starting fights, but I don’t want them being a punching bag either) but ignoring confrontation isn’t always the way to go either. Ignoring a tough subject or an important’ talk’ only puts off the inevitable-someone is going to get hurt. And if you handle it incorrectly, it can destroy a relationship. Confronting someone that did you wrong isn’t easy, but ignoring a problem could be even worse.
In the end, it isn’t just about manners. It’s about realizing you have some control over how others see you-you should plan accordingly.
Jessica Alba is an actress that most people are probably familiar with. I enjoyed Sin City, and my kids like The Fantastic Four movies. She is also the mom of two very cute little girls-Honor and Haven. A few months ago I noticed she was starting up a new mail order company, The Honest Company. My son is a little old for this, but I wish it was around when he was younger! They delivery Non-toxic diapers and diapering essentials-all 100% natural and non-toxic. The price is pretty right too, and you can find out all the info by clicking the link above.
Jessica delivers number 6 on our list:
6) Be Their Watchdog-LOVE THIS! Ms Alba specifically addresses products we buy at the store and then bring in our home-food for our children and cleaning products. And as parents, aren’t we the first line of defense? When I started having breathing problems a few years ago I ended up being diagnosed with ‘seasonal asthma.’ Basically the changes in the season can bring on what the doctor likened to a pro-longed asthma attack. Coughing, wheezing, and generally feeling out of breath, while no life threatening was certainly no fun. The doctor prescribed an inhaler to be used throughout the year as needed. But after doing some research I discovered the cleaning products i used could exacerbate the symptoms. If I was feeling it, couldn’t it also effect my boys?! I decided to change up my routine, looking for natural and non-toxic products to replace what I currently use. Roy didn’t mind as long as they got the job done.
When it came time to decide what diapers we would use for Dean, I was determined to try cloth. It was a learning process, but I ended up loving the brand we settled on. (if you are interested this is the website-Bum Genius) Not only did it save us a HUGE amount of money the first two years of Dean’s life, but we had less diaper rashes.
But being an advocate for our kids goes beyond the type of cleaning products we use and the food we eat. We need to be advocates for them in regards to their education. I think this especially rings true if you have a special needs child. You will be called upon, at some point, to stand up for your child and be their voice. Make sure yours is heard! When it comes to their health, you know your child. You MIGHT have to stand up and question a diagnosis, or a course of treatment. DO IT!
As they get older, I also think it is important to teach our children to advocate for themselves. Teacher’s aren’t always right. Teach them to (respectfully!) question a grade they don’t think they deserve. A first job is a right of passage, but teach them how to stand up for themselves, especially if they feel they are being taken advantage of. And when our children are parents themselves, hopefully they will be advocates for their own children.
Ms. Alba speaks the truth!
Roy is a cool guy. There just isn’t any other way to put it. People like him. He’s friendly, funny and good. He’s just a good person, and he’s also a bit of a moral, ethical, legal, etc, etc compass for me.
That’s not to say I’m not a friendly gal. I am, but I’m simply not a social butterfly (though sometimes I wish I was! I want pictures of myself with a bunch of women having fun to put on my FB page!). I think I’m funny, but I think my brand of funny can have a pretty sharp bite to it. And though I think I have a lot of good qualities, i wonder if I’m a good person.
I’m fiercely loyal to those I love and like. That’s a good quality, but I also have a tendency to judge others based on how I deal with things. Enter, my husband, he’s there to remind me that NOT everyone is..well me! And it isn’t fair of me to judge anyone based on how I would deal with something.
My blog her is the perfect example. When I decided to ‘lay it all out there.’ I was fully prepared to deal with people that didn’t like what i had to say (someone said I was boring…I had a reply all written out, but followed my rule and just let it go), didn’t agree with me, even hated what I stood for. So, I promised myself I would either learn to laugh it off, or address it ‘at a later date.’ You know when I wasn’t so full of piss and vinegar.
Imagine my shock when I realized not everyone feels that way.
yes, I admit that sometimes I am ‘too honest.’ Perhaps the young lady asking for advice is really only looking for a pat on the back, and is not really interested in hearing that yes the tattoo of the Three Stooges is kind of silly. Maybe the young woman convinced everyone is judging her because she doesn’t have a big, ole’ fat rock really just wants someone to agree with her, and doesn’t want someone to tell her that most people are too absorbed in their own messes to care whether or not she has a one, two or no carat diamond ring on.
Blogging for me is a way to get it out-the good, the bad, and yes the ugly. Some people might get it, some might not. Some might be able to relate, some might not. But from watching Roy deal with things over the past 14 years, I’ve come to see that….that is perfectly Ok! Who cares if someone disagrees with me? Who cares if someone hates what I said….who cares if someone thinks I’m going to hell or is an ignorant snob.
I hardly think I’m the most enlightened person out there, I get defensive if someone makes a sharp comment based on one of my posts. And I’m still constantly surprised that people think you are a flaming idgit because you dare to disagree with them on theirs.
But what I have learned today is this-those that sit there and think everyone around them is judging them, are often doing a whole lot of judging of their own. So trying to disabuse them of the notion that not everyone is judging them is going to get you called an ignorant snob.
Ok, this post had a few tangents…but I really did learn that last lesson today!
Nancy Meyers is the writer and director of some of the funniest Romantic Comedies we have seen in the past ten years. ”The Holiday”, “It’s Complicated”, “Something’s Gotta Give” and (one of my favorites) “Baby Boom.”
She suggests this as one of the best things we can do for our kids:
5) Take Them to Work-Sure, I get that. Show your kids that you do something your proud of, something you believe in. Show them the value of hard work, and that other people count on you.
But what if you don’t work outside of the home? Or perhaps you hate your job and do it half assed at best?
My older boys know I had a job outside of the home at one point that I loved. I loved coaching swimming-the smell of chlorine, the oppressive heat, and damp air didn’t do much for my hair or my sinuses, but I loved it all. I loved (most) the kids I worked with, and many of them loved me. I was a surrogate mom, big sister, or just an adult they could talk to that wouldn’t judge or ground them. But a part of me, a HUGE part of me hated leaving my boys at home and missing things-dinner, homework, getting them off the bus, tucking them in bed, bath time, the list goes on and on.
And so I quit, and I tell them that though I loved my job, I decided my place at this point in time was at home, and though it isn’t easy, and I miss contributing to our family financially at times, I don’t regret my decision. Does me not going to an office mean my ‘job’ is not as worthy of scrutiny as someone with a traditional job outside of the home?
In this economy, I have no doubt there are people working jobs they hate simply to put food on the table. They take no pride in their jobs (though they should as they are sacrificing for a greater good aren’t they?) they dread going to them, they dislike their superiors and co-workers, and they rarely have a smile on their face at work. IF you have this sort of outlook, taking your child to work is going to accomplish what? Are they going to see mom/dad doing something they hate? And then they are going to wonder WHY mom/dad has to work this crummy job? Sure, they might finally understand why mom/dad is always in a bad mood when they get home, but what does that accomplish?
But if you have a job you love, a profession that makes you proud and you are able to, I can see how bringing our kids to work is a good thing. How it can SHOW them the value of hard work, and give them a point of reference rather than just mom/dad telling them.
This is a great suggestion, but isn’t it more important to have our kids see us doing something we love-whatever it might be? Maybe you hate your job, but you love to read, so every day you sit and read with your child. Or you love bike riding, so you go on a bike ride! You enjoy cooking, so you make a big, four course meal for everyone every Sunday. You might not get paid for it, but isn’t the result the same? Your kids see you doing something that holds value to YOU. They see you doing something you love.
And while it is great to show your kids what YOUR job is, or what you love to do, you also need to nurture what they love to do, so that perhaps one day they might have a profession they are proud of, and they can take YOU to work with them!
Am I a multi tasker? Nope. Do I want to be one? I used to think I did.
But think about it…really think about it. Ok, done thinking.
I used to think being able to juggle four or five things at one time was the mark of a good mom. It was the mark of a mom that had her s**t together, and knew how to get things done, until I realized I was doing those four or five things half assed.
Lots of moms say their are multi taskers, and sometimes you are. You are holding the baby, while talking on the phone and stirring your spaghetti sauce, but then let’s pause here.
Sure, you are holding the baby, but are you giving the baby your full attention or merely holding him so that they won’t scream and be under foot?
You might be talking on the phone, but are you carrying on a full fledged conversation or merely grunting your replies?
You are making your spaghetti sauce, but are you tasting it and tweaking it as needed with herbs and spices or just stirring it mindlessly?
Is it better to ask one of your older children (I’m speaking from my own experience here) to play with the baby so dinner doesn’t burn? Why not just tell the person on the phone you’ll call them back later because…OMG…you’re busy? Or are you ok with giving everything 33.33 percent?
Look up multi tasking-can the human brain really multitask-or any variation there of, and you will find countless studies by neurologists, psychiatrist, psychologists and plenty of other -ists, that the human brain simply can not do more than one high level brain functioning task at a time. We aren’t wired to work that way.
Am I calling all mom’s out there that call themselves multitasker’s liars? No, I just don’t think we are using the right wording. We are go-getter’s or work harders, or work fasters. We are “We have to get this, this and this done because no one else wants to do it-ers.”
But multitaskers? Tell me…when’s the last time you paid the bills, helped your 16 year old with his English homework, did your exercise for the day and cooked dinner all at the same time?
Oh wait, I did this the other day….
Let’s see…got the bills paid, but I yelled at my 16 year old to ask his dad, I didn’t work up a sweat while doing said cardio and dinner was leftovers.
No, this post isn’t about making those mother’s that ‘don’t do it all’ feel better. This isn’t about telling ‘multitaskers’ that they really aren’t. This is about saying, NO ONE can do it all because that isn’t how the human brain works. Focus on one thing, get it done and move on…your brain will thank you for it later.
Your kids probably will too as I bet dinner will taste better.
Missed a day yesterday, though not really sure why. Before I knew it, Roy was popping the pizza in the oven and it was time for movie night.
Today’s tidbit of wisdom comes from Bobbi Brown (NO, not that Bobby Brown). Brown is founder and CEO of Bobbi Brown Cosmetics. When I think of the ‘natural’ face I think of her. Her products are made from quality ingredients, and it shows.
4) Skip Makeup Sometimes, and show them that you’re okay with how you look-I don’t have girls, but if I did apparently I would rock! I rarely wear makeup. It isn’t that I look in the mirror and think:
“DANG! I’m hot, I don’t need any enhancing.”
It’s more like:
“I look kind of pale today…oh well, those are the breaks!”
Applying makeup just isn’t part of my daily life. I’m not really adept at it. I love the look of a smoky eye, but I when I try I’m pretty sure it looks like I got into a fight.
For Date night I usually put on some pressed powder, a little bit of blush, mascara and lipstick.
I am ok with how I look. Sure, I look in the mirror often for signs of crow’s feet and laugh lines, I just think that’s natural, but at the same time I think the tiny lines creeping in are just a part of who I am. I’m 38 years old, I have a good life, I earned them, and I’ll wear them with pride.
I assume that’s an important lesson a mother with a daughter can pass on to her. As for me, I know Roy likes the natural look, for whatever reasons. He likes to tell me that I don’t need makeup, I think he’s just glad I don’t have beauty products all over our bedroom and bathroom. But I think me not being overly concerned with hiding my skin behind makeup has given the boys an appreciation for all types of beauty, all colors, and all sizes. And for that, I’m happy.
Bobbi has a good point, and I’ve certainly listened.
And we keep on going.
Number 3 is from our first lady, Michelle Obama.
3) Eat Dinner as a family-I agree. Simple as that. Mrs. Obama, goes on to say, that sometimes the president will drop everything to attend family dinners. In theory, this is a wonderful idea. But why imply that a family DINNER is what’s important? Perhaps your husband is stuck in traffic, maybe your child’s basketball practice ran late, things can interfere, but making SOME time to be together is the goal here isn’t it?
Sometimes we have breakfast on Sunday morning together. I get up, make pancakes and fruit salad, and we all sit around the table TOGETHER. If breakfasts works for your family, do it. Maybe after dinner, a ‘dessert time’ is doable. IN the summer or school vacations, maybe lunch works. It isn’t the fact that you eat dinner together that counts, it’s the fact that you are together. Spend time with your kids, talk about your day, laugh together.
I think Mrs. Obama offers up a great ‘thing’ I just think there’s more too it.
Is this movie inspirational? Yes. MOving? Beyond so. The horrors Maruge went through and his determination and spirit are simply amazing. Naomie Harris the wonderfully kind and supportive teacher is a familiar face (28 Days Later and Pirates of the Caribbean) but it was her desire to help a kind, old man that is truly admirable. The movie isn’t perfect, but it is educational and shines light on a time in our world’s history that doesn’t get much attention.
I also want to mention that there is a little girl in the film, I don’t think she has any lines (though she sings and dances with the other children) but she is adorable. When she was on the screen she completely captured my attention.