And why do they always seem to interview women about the ‘wiseness of motherhood.’ when they have a 2 and 4 year old. Now, let me say…I KNOW you learn alot about kids in those first two years, but are there NO other women out there with more than two kids, AND perhaps some of those kids are teens or even young adults? I want wisdom from someone that has been there and done that, not someone that might be there one day, and perhaps will have to deal with that.

I don’t get it!

Most of the time I will look at my husband and see the man that I adore. I can be mad as hell at him, but he is still the man that makes my heart skip a beat, that makes a tear well up in my eye as he plays with our three month old, but every once in awhile I will look at him and think, “I don’t deserve this man.” When I am feeling melancholy or morose, I will turn to my husband and ask him questions whose answers I KNOW will cheer me up.

I believe it was a Thursday, just your average Thursday, and I was sick. I felt horrible. I was sure my head was going to explode, my throat felt like someone had rubbed it raw with heavy duty sandpaper, and I knew I looked the part. I got out of bed, and marched into the bathroom wearing my nursing bra and well worn boy shorts. I did my business and came out of the bathroom to see my husband motioning me over to him. I smiled and walked around to his side of the bed, sat down and leaned over him, waiting to be enveloped in his sleepy warmth. He hugged me too him and rubbed my back, as I felt his hand creeping lower, I turned to him and asked if he was an ass man. His reply: “I’m a you man.” I thought it was sweet at the time, and showed him my appreciation. But later that day, as I was in the kitchen I thought about what he said, and it struck me…that was possibly the sweetest thing he had ever said to me.

Oh, he has told me he loved me many times…and I hold every single time dearly. He has told me I was beautiful, that I was smart, powerful, etc. But in that one short sentence he said all of that and more. He told me he loved me, that I was smart, that I was beautiful, but also that he accepted my faults, and dealt with them as best he could. He told me he remembered our past and was looking forward to our future. He was a “me” man.

I hope he knows “I’m a him woman.”

“Uh, well, no I didn’t think of it like that.” Was his reply to me.

Seriously, I want to smack my head against the wall. Not to mention he has four younger brothers at home. If Dad is home…ok, fine. IF not, that means we pack of at least two little ones, drag them all the way to the gym, they sit there for two hours, yeah, lots of fun.

A part of me wants to encourage this excitement for a new activity, what if this is the ONE thing he could become passionate about and I squash it. On the other hand, I feel that IF he was truly interested, why hasn’t he looked at the places closer to home? His bio-dad doesn’t live here, and while I am sure he can guess what things are like at home (controlled chaos is putting it nicely at times) C KNOWS that things are like here day to day. I didn’t grow up in a large family. It was my sister and I, and she came along when I was almost seven years old, so I don’t truly understand what it must be like to sacrifice time spent alone with their father and/or I. ON the other hand, I would say time is about the only thing in short supply here. Our kids rarely wear used clothing, though hand me downs are in our house they each get their share of new clothes that they picked out…especially our oldest who is at the age where he is starting to care about his looks. (our 12, 8 and infant could care less, and as long as it has a Power Ranger or Mickey Mouse in it our 3 year old is happy) We have six computers in the house (though to be fair two are pretty much off limits), we have ALL the popular gaming systems hooked up to a 67″ TV! The kids have iPods, we are fairly liberal in what they listen to and watch, etc. These kids aren’t hurting for things…but sometimes I wonder if that is because our time is limited? Do I buy these things because they have to jockey for time alone with us and material things appease them?

I think that would be a way to put it off on us…but in reality, my husband and I like these things too. Oh, sure I am not a huge fan of my husband’s PSP or the kids’ DS, but they get those things I get my magazines (course my mags are a LOT cheaper than a PSP, but hey that is what I dig.)
And yet maybe that is a family problem…we each have our own ‘thing’ and we don’t know how to have fun as a family. We do have season passes to Busch Gardens, we have taken trips to DisneyWorld (though even on that trip I was afraid of missing stuff I planned things each day and hubby had to remind me to chill out), but the day to day ‘family time?’

Perhaps that is something we ALL need to work on.

Excuse the disjointedness of my post…I am still getting things together with the baby and not getting enough sleep (though that is getting MUCH better).

One little thing…our (almost) 12 year old is playing basketball this season. And our other three actually seem to enjoy going to the games. So this Saturday we are sitting on the bleachers, and our three year old is standing in front of our 13 year old…they are sort of playing around, and my oldest son starts to tickle his little brother. H, the baby, giggled and then leaned forward and hugged C, our oldest. C gave him a kiss and said, “I love you.” To which H gave him one back and returned the sentiment. As I was turning around H was crawling in C’s lap, and the two of them were just whispering to each other. Honestly, it was one of the sweetest things I have seen in awhile from our boys. I find myself wishing I could freeze those moments in time, and in a sense I can…because that was a scene I know I won’t forget.

I also have the countdown to baby #5 up on my chalkboard. Though, I have had it up there for months if I am being honest. 21 days left! And I am ready. I don’t think I have ever been this tired. I wake up and something else hurts….it’s rough. My husband just likes to tell me I am getting old….and the sad thing is…I am starting to agree with him!

And I guess it is about that time. My parents don’t talk a lot…they never did. My father worked to pay the bills, and my mother resented that….so she did the only thing she could to get his attention…she spent money. Growing up, I hated that! But, I am doing it myself. I was a daddy’s girl growing up…I thought the sun rose and set on my father, so I did everything I could to get his attention, and when I was 25 I married a man very much like him. Quiet, calm, a hard worker….and now…almost ten years later, I find that same resentment that ate at my mother in myself. He likes to joke around, and even when I am being serious…he jokes, it has gotten to the point that I resent it. instead of laughing, I think he is disrespecting me…and I lash out…by spending his money. I find myself, and have for the past few months (perhaps since August) behaving like our two youngest. Any attention is good attention…if I can’t get him to show me some affection or sit with me at night, I will behave poorly and HOPE that he notices. The very same behavior we admonish in our children, has become my way of communicating with my husband!

In my defense, I realized this problem over the summer. I got into a fight with my mother, and said something to this effect to her, she hung up on me….and while I was sitting there thinking about our fight, I realized…THAT is what I do! Everything I threw at her, I saw in myself. I was ashamed, and mad. To the point, I didn’t want to visit my inlaws, figuring I could sit at home and have a pity party….I ended up going, and found myself quite surly and angry a lot of the time, and unfortunately, that has been my mood for much of the time since then. I promised myself..NO more using money as a means to get attention, so I did. I stopped using credit cards, and only used cash. And it seemed to be working out….BUT, I behaved like a child yet again…a part of me WANTED R to find out…so I could say, “But this is what happened….This is why it is like that…” I wanted him to see his part, and I was willing to take responsibility for my part, but again…I didn’t confront him…I waited silently for him to stumble across it, and HOPED that he would talk to me about it.

I love my husband, but I would be lying if I said that RIGHT NOW….I was happy. I feel lost, and confused. I feel this baby in my stomach, and wonder if I can do it again…the late nights, no sleep, and still take care of my older boys. There are times, I think…what about my marriage, only to bitterly remind myself…that my husband doesn’t need me. I remember driving home one day from the grocery store,and I asked him…”IF he needed me.” He told me of course he did, and refused to elaborate…but I got to thinking…WHAT does he need me for? I don’t remember the last time he initiated sex, I don’t remember a show of affection, a date night he suggested, a time he willingly left his computer off one weekend. (actually I do, but that had nothing to do with me…it was football), and at the same time…I don’t remember a time I actually sat him down and tried to truly get through to him about this. Oh, I casually mention it, and when he brushes me off…I slam his office door and go back to what I am doing.

In the end, if (when?) my marriage fails…I realize much of it is my fault. I have fallen prey to that cliched women’s attitude…”he doesn’t give me attention, so let me act out.” He doesn’t talk to me, so let me sit here and resent him. He, He, He….when in reality…the problem is often…Me, Me, Me. Unfortunately, I think many women, obviously myself included, don’t want to admit that until the damage has been done and is not fixable.

I find myself at a loss for someone to talk to about this. My kids won’t understand, and this is not a problem they need to be burdened with. My husband brushes me off, and my sister has heard it all before. So I find myself wanting to keep it to myself, and then I find myself mad about that.

Truth be told….I felt this way with all the boys, and after a few days I was fine, but IF I am honest and look around my home…I have to admit there is a lot of truth to what I am saying here. And I need to prepare myself for how to deal with this.