I always tell myself that I am going to post here more often. As the mother of four boys, with another one on the way…there is always something going on in our house!

One little thing…our (almost) 12 year old is playing basketball this season. And our other three actually seem to enjoy going to the games. So this Saturday we are sitting on the bleachers, and our three year old is standing in front of our 13 year old…they are sort of playing around, and my oldest son starts to tickle his little brother. H, the baby, giggled and then leaned forward and hugged C, our oldest. C gave him a kiss and said, “I love you.” To which H gave him one back and returned the sentiment. As I was turning around H was crawling in C’s lap, and the two of them were just whispering to each other. Honestly, it was one of the sweetest things I have seen in awhile from our boys. I find myself wishing I could freeze those moments in time, and in a sense I can…because that was a scene I know I won’t forget.

I also have the countdown to baby #5 up on my chalkboard. Though, I have had it up there for months if I am being honest. 21 days left! And I am ready. I don’t think I have ever been this tired. I wake up and something else hurts….it’s rough. My husband just likes to tell me I am getting old….and the sad thing is…I am starting to agree with him!

I find myself sitting here thinking about my last pregnancy. I was about this far along with H, and fear set in. I didn’t think I could handle another baby, I was too old, R and I weren’t getting along, I was angry, etc. There was one day it got so bad, I called my sister and said, “I can’t do this. I don’t want to be married, I don’t want this baby.” She cried with me, and ten minutes later, told me I was an idiot and to stop acting this way. She was right, I adore my husband and I adore my children, but for those ten minutes I felt like a complete failure.

And I guess it is about that time. My parents don’t talk a lot…they never did. My father worked to pay the bills, and my mother resented that….so she did the only thing she could to get his attention…she spent money. Growing up, I hated that! But, I am doing it myself. I was a daddy’s girl growing up…I thought the sun rose and set on my father, so I did everything I could to get his attention, and when I was 25 I married a man very much like him. Quiet, calm, a hard worker….and now…almost ten years later, I find that same resentment that ate at my mother in myself. He likes to joke around, and even when I am being serious…he jokes, it has gotten to the point that I resent it. instead of laughing, I think he is disrespecting me…and I lash out…by spending his money. I find myself, and have for the past few months (perhaps since August) behaving like our two youngest. Any attention is good attention…if I can’t get him to show me some affection or sit with me at night, I will behave poorly and HOPE that he notices. The very same behavior we admonish in our children, has become my way of communicating with my husband!

In my defense, I realized this problem over the summer. I got into a fight with my mother, and said something to this effect to her, she hung up on me….and while I was sitting there thinking about our fight, I realized…THAT is what I do! Everything I threw at her, I saw in myself. I was ashamed, and mad. To the point, I didn’t want to visit my inlaws, figuring I could sit at home and have a pity party….I ended up going, and found myself quite surly and angry a lot of the time, and unfortunately, that has been my mood for much of the time since then. I promised myself..NO more using money as a means to get attention, so I did. I stopped using credit cards, and only used cash. And it seemed to be working out….BUT, I behaved like a child yet again…a part of me WANTED R to find out…so I could say, “But this is what happened….This is why it is like that…” I wanted him to see his part, and I was willing to take responsibility for my part, but again…I didn’t confront him…I waited silently for him to stumble across it, and HOPED that he would talk to me about it.

I love my husband, but I would be lying if I said that RIGHT NOW….I was happy. I feel lost, and confused. I feel this baby in my stomach, and wonder if I can do it again…the late nights, no sleep, and still take care of my older boys. There are times, I think…what about my marriage, only to bitterly remind myself…that my husband doesn’t need me. I remember driving home one day from the grocery store,and I asked him…”IF he needed me.” He told me of course he did, and refused to elaborate…but I got to thinking…WHAT does he need me for? I don’t remember the last time he initiated sex, I don’t remember a show of affection, a date night he suggested, a time he willingly left his computer off one weekend. (actually I do, but that had nothing to do with me…it was football), and at the same time…I don’t remember a time I actually sat him down and tried to truly get through to him about this. Oh, I casually mention it, and when he brushes me off…I slam his office door and go back to what I am doing.

In the end, if (when?) my marriage fails…I realize much of it is my fault. I have fallen prey to that cliched women’s attitude…”he doesn’t give me attention, so let me act out.” He doesn’t talk to me, so let me sit here and resent him. He, He, He….when in reality…the problem is often…Me, Me, Me. Unfortunately, I think many women, obviously myself included, don’t want to admit that until the damage has been done and is not fixable.

I think I have lost my best friend…..

I think that my fear is hard to describe….so many things contribute to it, make me feel irrational for thinking this way, etc. And yet, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t there. I wanted this baby we are about to have…I wanted it with all my heart, I still do. I was willing to do anything to have another baby…months of crying, fertility if need be (though I didn’t tell R that), adoption…anything, and now…that the birth is impending…I am scared. I am the lone female in a house raging with testosterone. To get my voice heard, it often needs to be the loudest or the angriest. And even then sometimes the boys listen, and then it is forgotten. My husband tries, or at least I like to think he does…but we have a very disfunctional fighting style. I get mad…he gets defensive and we both say things we don’t mean, but in the end…nothing gets solved. This is my home…the place that I sit in for comfort, to hide…and many times i don’t feel respected in it. The thought of having another young man that will not respect me scares me. It makes me feel like a failure as a mother, as a woman, as a wife.

I find myself at a loss for someone to talk to about this. My kids won’t understand, and this is not a problem they need to be burdened with. My husband brushes me off, and my sister has heard it all before. So I find myself wanting to keep it to myself, and then I find myself mad about that.

Truth be told….I felt this way with all the boys, and after a few days I was fine, but IF I am honest and look around my home…I have to admit there is a lot of truth to what I am saying here. And I need to prepare myself for how to deal with this.

First let me say, BOTH are tough….my problem here is WHY is this a battle?  I dislike reading the articles proclaiming that SAHM’s will resent their choices, that it is better to earn a couple hundred dollars a month than stay home with your kids, etc.  In reality, this is about CHOICES.  IF you work and don’t want to stay home with your kids…FINE, don’t, but don’t insult me because I made a different choice.  Staying home with the kids is a tiring, thankless job…for the most part.  There are times (see my other post regarding money) when I feel like my contribution to this family is little if any, but at the same time….I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else being there with my boys while I worked.  That said…THAT is my opinion, how others choose to handle this situation is not my business, nor do I judge people for what they do.  Staying home…working, it is a choice and shouldn’t we, as women, support one another?

To be honest, there isn’t really any one topic I want to focus on here.  This weekend was pretty quiet.  The Football game that our 8 year old played in this Saturday was a lot of fun!  Although, to vent…the baby (though he IS three!) actually fell asleep, so I was able to focus on the game a bit….I was so proud of myself for being able to follow what was going on, and understanding how things were meshing out, when the ref blew it!  I still don’t know what happened two days later, and this is after grilling my husband, one of the fathers and another ref.  We were on the third down, next thing I know they had turned the ball over to the other team (if that is the right terminology!).  I am pretty sure because of that and a few other bad calls we lost the game, lame.  I guess I figure if you are going to be reffing kids games, you best know the rules, because the people you are hurting are 7 and 8 year olds.  Not cool!  My praise though..the kids did great!  Or I think they did.  The previous Saturday was a rough game.  The kids were all over the place, and everyone looked a bit lost, but this game they really seemed to come together, so that is a step in the right direction!

My next little vent/praise…the holidays!  A part of me is so happy they are right around the corner…Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…and before I know it, the baby will be here.  I have a lot to keep me busy, so I am happy about that.  Halloween…LOVE IT!  I love the decorations, and seeing what the kids come up with.  H is going to be Spiderman, though I thought for sure he would want to be a Power Ranger.  A is going to be ‘Death.’  Really I think he is a tad confused as to what the Grim Reaper carres, and instead of the requisite sickle he wants a sword, but he is excited.  Still not sure if J and C are going to go out or not….but I told them since they still haven’t made up their mind they are on their own as far as costumes go.  I will help them gather stuff, but don’t expect me to drive 40 miles to the party store, etc.  ON the other hand, Candy is crazy expensive these days!  And with all the kids in the neighborhood, we spend a small fortune on it!

Thanksgiving…Mom had surgery on her eyes, and I was worried that she was having some serious problems.  If so, I had planned on having her and Dad over to our house for dinner.  R, my awesome husband, makes an amazing turkey!  I do the sides, and I figure it might be a lot of work as I will be about 8 months along, but as long as I had some notice…no problem.  But Mom says she is up to it, and is looking forward to having dinner at her house this year.  I hope she will let me bring a few things to help her out.

Christmas….again, LOVE IT!  R and I are pretty much on the same page regarding gifts…it is mostly about the boys.  I LOVE seeing them open their presents, and scouting the shops for things is always fun as well.  I even enjoy wrapping presents….and getting R to help me out.  The bigger malls near our house are always beautifully decorated, although the older boys aren’t really into Santa, and H doesn’t seem all that impressed either, but it’s still fun to see everyone shopping and I like the hustle and bustle.  ON the other hand, with the new baby on the way I stress about money and getting everything done.  In August we had an issue with our AC, and while we took care of it, that money was supposed to be for presents, of which I could have bought 75% of them with that money.  R did point out that we don’t need to rush to get the nursery done for the baby, since for the first few months he will be sleeping with us in our room, so that is true.  We can safely put that off until February or the end of January after the holiday bills have been paid, and we even have our tax return.  I did start my shopping this Saturday at our Football team Fundraiser-I got presents for the younger boys’ teachers.  It isn’t a lot, but it is a start, so that makes me happy!  And boys have pretty much told us what they want, so I know what I am looking for, and that is nice as well.  R doesn’t want a whole lot, and there is some perfume that I want, but other than that….there isn’t much.  Oh, there are things I would like, but nothing I really want to ‘put on my list.’

I always do this…every year I say I will start preparations early, and every year something else comes up.  So of course, October hits and I stress out, but we always get it done, and I am sure that this year we will as well.  Although, I am about to bet R that this baby is born before Christmas!

First let me say, since my husband reads this occasionally, that this is something he pulls when he is annoyed with me. 90% of the time, it’s ‘our money.’ Or rather he doesn’t complain too much. He rarely chastises me for something I buy, though (and rightfully so) he does joke that I need to stop buying toys for our youngest. I HOPE that he knows should I want to purchase something out of the ordinary (an expensive purse, shoes, etc) that I will say something to him first to gauge his reaction. HOWEVER, there are times when I get annoyed. R enjoys building up websites, I know he does…I know it is a challenge for him and that he enjoys it. I want him to be happy, so I encourage him to do these side projects, however, I admit…I am selfish. There was a time in our marriage that he would stay up until 2-3 in the morning playing some silly game (I think it was called Counterstrike) or working on web pages…I didn’t like it. I tried to hold my tongue and for the most part I think I did ok, but I wanted to go to bed with my husband. There was another time he worked just as late for a former company..leaving me essentially alone with the kids…I tried not to say anything. There are weekends, that he does little more than work on his computer….sadly, I am too slow to get what he does, but I know he isn’t with me and the kids. AND, for the most part I am ok with that…it makes him happy, and his happiness is important to me, what gets me is his attitude. He seems to think all I want is the money…NOT the case, I want him compensated for the time he spends away with us..there is a difference. He doesn’t want to share a dime of it with me…I could give a damn, but I want to know he gets SOMETHING for the work he does.

On the other hand….I admit to being annoyed with the issue when I was working. Right after we had A, my husband told me he felt I should stay home with the children and he would work. That he always envisioned taking care of a family. Maybe it is a matter of pride with him….I don’t know, but he is good at it. And since, about the only marketable skill I have is coaching swimming (and sadly you don’t make squat doing that!) it makes sense that R is the one to work outside the home. BUT, there was a time when I coached full time…I loved my job. I worked long hours, got dumped on by my boss, but I LOVED those kids. I felt like I was appreciated, needed, and so I pushed on. When I worked the money went right to the family….at the time we were younger, R made less money, and it helped, but NOW, R makes enough money that me working is a choice I get to make, but whatever I earn…still goes right to the family. For the most part, I don’t mind. I would spend the money I earned on buying things for the kids or the house anyways…so I happily do it, but there are times it bothers me. Most noteably this summer-I am pregnant…the beginning was rough. Morning sickness almost daily, I couldn’t sleep, migraines and this weird rash all over my body (we still don’t know what that was!), BUT I made a committment to coach this summer and I stuck with it. That is fine….I enjoy it, BUT no one seemed to understand that turning around and going out of town wasn’t something I was looking forward too. Yes, R makes good money, but we enjoy taking advantage of that. We have all the latest toys, the kids have nice clothes, everyone like to eat out, etc….going away and enjoying it takes money too…so I put what little I earned into going away. Ok, cool, the only problem…I wanted to stay home…why, nothing to do with my in-laws…I adore them! I was exhausted, and it was a long ass drive.

Honestly, I realize I have it pretty lucky. MANY families have no choice but to live on two incomes, me having the choice to work or not is a luxury, and not one I take lightly. So, how do you tell the man that has given you that choice that it bothers you when he pulls the “it’s my money, it’s my car, it’s my house…’ thing on you. Sure, maybe you called him a butthole right before he said it, but it’s a reminder that this relationship is not on equal footing. One time we were in the car arguing about something, and he made the comment that I would be in trouble without him…and he’s right….a single woman..pregnant with four kids. Who would hire me! Even IF I could get a job it wouldn’t be enough to support my boys….nevermind the fact that no man would look at me seeing as I come with so much baggage. When he asked that, my first thought, he’s right. I need him….sad thing is….once again this shows how unequal our relationship is. IF I left, he would have a big house all to himself…of course I would leave the dogs with him, a nice car, a cool motorcycle (with no one to nag him about driving carefully!), and a salary in the six figures….I would have nothing except my boys and the clothes on our backs. Realizing this is only the tip of the ice berg. You either get mad, and and become sullen, or you want to do something about it. So, what do I do? Get a job…ok, and then I get grief about being away from the family (though when my husband is away, it is just something I deal with….) not to mention the jobs I am qualified for require long hours, hard work and there is little reward.

Bottom line, today is one of those days when I am feeling sorry for myself, thinking I am not worth a whole lot other than as a maid, personal driver, cook, nag….I am not needed, as I think my husband and boys would learn to live without me (of which I am grateful for) BUT, could I say the same?

AS a mother there is NOTHING I wouldn’t do for one of my boys when he is sick. I don’t like to be sick myself, but when one of my boys is sick I would give anything to be able to take it away for them. Right now, my baby has a swollen eye. Luckily I don’t think he it’s pink eye, but I can tell it is bothering him. At three, he is of the age where he still wants to be babied, but only on his terms. I often ask him for hugs and kisses during the day, and to me it is the sweetest sight in the world to see him running toward me with his arms outspread. So anyways, today I am standing in the kitchen and I ask him for some ‘baby love.’ He comes running towards me, with this huge smile on his face and suddenly his face just falls…I see the tears welling up in his eyes, and he comes limping towards me. “Mommy, my foot hurts!” he wails, and my heart just breaks. I am thinking, “oh he twisted his ankle!” But I pick him up, and he wails, “Ohh….my blood!” He cut his foot on a lego piece and he saw the blood before I did. It is a decent sized cut, won’t need stitches, and I stopped the bleeding quickly, but I can’t stand to see one of my boys in pain…no matter how insignificant that pain might be.

However, I don’t take kindly to being duped! My oldest son has pulled the whole…OHHH..my stomache hurts, I need to rest today. I don’t want to send my kids to school when they are sick, so at times you want to err on the side of caution, but I don’t like finding out they are fine and just didn’t want to go to school. My mom would let us take a ‘mental health’ day once in awhile. If I was overworked, my grades were good, and just plain exhausted, she was all for letting us take a day to rest and recover. She would then make sure we made up anything we had missed. I tend to think the same way. Sometimes life gets away from you, things get crazy and you have no control over that…and to recover sometimes a day off is the best thing you can do for yourself. I just want my kids to be honest with me. Don’t tell me your stomach hurts, when in reality you are just worn out! Be honest!

ON a side note….and this is completely off topic…I am watching Top Chef, and I LOVE these types of shows. Food Network-Iron Chef is a favorite, Top Chef, etc….and I have to say, some of the things the chefs serve…just sound yuck! Roasted Pork Belly….sure, maybe it’s good, but it just sounds nasty. Even their desserts have to be something…extra. I am sorry, what’s wrong with a beautifully done molten chocolate cake…no, they need to add some strange foam to it. I cook for four growing boys (three of whom are PICKY!) and a man that loves his meat and potatoes, I am sure that has something to do with it…I cook huge pots of chili, pick pots of spaghetti, and though I try to experiment a bit I know I have to stick to a relatively simple formula. Maybe this means I have an ‘unsophisticated palate’ but I don’t think that liver with a chocolate foam sounds good…hell I would venture to say that dish should just NOT be made by anyone!

Sooo…in closing…kids be honest with your mom and dad! Let us know the score, let us know what is going on. And chefs of haute cuisine…..what can I say…I don’t get some of it!

things that are NOT guy things. Yesterday I wrote about the things that guys just seem to instinctively know, but as the mother of boys there are some things that not only to NOT come naturally to guys, but they just don’t seem to be out there.

My biggest pet peeve: CLOTHES, and let’s touch on magazines. I admit to being a magazine junkie, and yes that includes all the parenting magazines. In reading these publications it has come to my attention that not only do boys not play with toys (unless you know boys that LIKE Bratz dolls, barbie houses, and fashion software), they do not read books other than Harry Potter, but they don’t wear clothes either. I counted last month, in some of the popular magazines for parents they had ‘fashion spreads’ for our little tykes…for every one outfit for boys they had FOUR…yes, FOUR for girls. So, I ask the editors do you NOT have boys? YOU do realize that little boys don’t just run around naked all day right? Did it ever occur to you that MOTHERS of said little boys, might like to dress our little boys nicely for the holidays? Just because we can’t buy that $90 velvet and taffeta dress, doesn’t mean we dress our boys in their pajamas each and every day. As I said briefly above, this extends to toys, books and even housing magazines. About four months ago one of the most popular home and garden magazines did a spread on playhouses….of the three not ONE looked geared towards boys. Each one had that gingerbread look, was painted in the traditional girl colors, had flowers on the walls, and showed little girls playing in them. Last month another leading home and garden magazine showed two playhouses….again geared towards girls. So my question is…do boys NOT play outside? Do little boys NOT like clubhouses or forts? The sad thing is..with a little tweaking, any of the houses could have taken on a more unisex look, or even geared them a bit towards boys…but not ONE did that! Frankly, the whole thing irks me. So much so, that I have written scathing letters (or what I like to think of as scathing letters) to the editors asking WHY they constantly and continuously do this….never been published.

Let’s not even talk about clothes shopping! Been to some of the larger chain stores recently. Two racks of boys clothes….ten racks of girls, and no that isn’t embellishing. To be honest I was thrilled when my two older boys got to the point where they could wear men’s clothing. That gave me the option of American Eagle, Aeropostale, Express for men, etc, because frankly the clothing they have out there for little boys is limited, and it sucks!

I know I am not the only mother of boys that feels this way! I joke with my husband that I want to start a webstore that sells ONLY boy things-clothes, toys, books, room decor, etc. I sure wish someone would…lords knows you would have great customers in my husband and I!

As a woman, and a mother of boys I can’t begin to count how many times I have heard that little gem, but in watching my boys play video games the other day I realize, some things are JUST guy things.

I remember when A, who is now 8, was about five years old. He had a fever and was coughing, so I decided to keep him home from school. As all kids do he started to get restless, then bored…so I thought why not play a game with him. He picked something called Serious Sam, or Serious George something like that. Anyways, I was not really clear on the objective of the game and though I would just ask as we went along. Well, I quickly found out that my hand to eye coordination is, to put it bluntly, pathetic. Somehow I ended up upside down and could not right myself. I tried and tried, meanwhile my five year old is laughing hysterically at me. Instead of trying to help, he ran over to me and stepped on me (the video game me that is)! That was just the best in his book. I chalked it up to him having played the game before, and sat with him while he played for a bit more, but then this weekend I was watching my three year old play a game with his older brother. Now, I could just be completely horrible at games, but H seemed to just know how to play. He was no match for his older brother, but he seemed to understand the basics, which is more than I can say for me!

If you know anything about video games, hell if you watch TV at all, you know Halo 3 came out last week. Having four boys and a husband that is completely into that stuff (not to mention a coupon for Target) I went out to get it for my crew. Now, I don’t remember the last time my husband played a game like this, I would say AT LEAST a year, and in five minutes he had the basics down and was given our 11 year old a run for his money. Leaving me to conclude…video games…they’re a guy thing.

Same thing with the grill! I like to think I am pretty savvy in the kitchen. I like to experiment with new recipes, and I would say for the most part they are pretty good, and then every once in awhile I will surprise myself and come up with something downright awesome! (hey, if my 11, 8 and 3 year old take more than two bites of it, it goes in the awesome category for us!) But grilling….not a clue. Don’t get me wrong…if the thing is on I can turn the meat, baste it, and tell when it needs to come off the grill, but turning the thing on….might as well be playing a video game. Now, I never thought it was a big deal…after all, it is a big, rather fancy grill, my husband has had time to figure it out, the little quirks and quibbles, but one day I was just really wanting burgers. My husband was out of town I think, or maybe just not home from work yet, and I was complaining about wanting to grill the burgers. My oldest son went outside, looked at the thing for a few minutes and next thing I know I am slapping burgers on the grill. Obviously grills are a guy thing too.

I could go on….cars, AC units, simple home projects, etc…but I think you get the point, there IS such a thing as guy things…and you know what? I don’t mind. I can guess that my husband has easily saved us 20k over the years by doing some of the home repairs himself ( I would actually venture that the figure is higher than that). And looking at his big hands, and knowing how capable they are…makes me feel safe. A cliche’ I know, but for the most part I am a very capable woman, probably to the point where it bugs my husband at times, but every so often…I WANT to be the helpless female, I want to be clucked over and with five…soon to be six…guys in the house, isn’t that my right?