Our hectic lives raising 5 boys!
26 Oct
I think that my fear is hard to describe….so many things contribute to it, make me feel irrational for thinking this way, etc. And yet, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t there. I wanted this baby we are about to have…I wanted it with all my heart, I still do. I was willing to do anything to have another baby…months of crying, fertility if need be (though I didn’t tell R that), adoption…anything, and now…that the birth is impending…I am scared. I am the lone female in a house raging with testosterone. To get my voice heard, it often needs to be the loudest or the angriest. And even then sometimes the boys listen, and then it is forgotten. My husband tries, or at least I like to think he does…but we have a very disfunctional fighting style. I get mad…he gets defensive and we both say things we don’t mean, but in the end…nothing gets solved. This is my home…the place that I sit in for comfort, to hide…and many times i don’t feel respected in it. The thought of having another young man that will not respect me scares me. It makes me feel like a failure as a mother, as a woman, as a wife.
I find myself at a loss for someone to talk to about this. My kids won’t understand, and this is not a problem they need to be burdened with. My husband brushes me off, and my sister has heard it all before. So I find myself wanting to keep it to myself, and then I find myself mad about that.
Truth be told….I felt this way with all the boys, and after a few days I was fine, but IF I am honest and look around my home…I have to admit there is a lot of truth to what I am saying here. And I need to prepare myself for how to deal with this.
One Response for "Fear and Trepidation…"
Comment from Craig Stanford:
My wife and I raised four boys so we had some of the same problems you have. I can’t give you any answers, but can tell you that yelling at your husband is guaranteed to make him defensive. My wife and I did find that the only way we could talk was to get a babysitter and leave. Trying to talk around the kids meant that there were too many distractions. Sitting and talking in restaurants was best, but even sitting in the car and talking was better that talking in the house. A lot of visitors to our house commented on all the testosterone in the air, so I can relate to that. I’m sure that your boys respect you, but at the same time they are dependant on you. That dependance is all that you see. As far as having a baby, I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. If it is a boy, I’m sure that he will respect you, but he probably won’t show it because he’ll be dependant on you too. Keep trying to talk to your husband, because this is your best chance of calming your fears. If you get him to talk, your efforts will be worth it.
Leave a reply