We are having another little boy! Before I found out the sex of the baby, I worried (as I am sure many people in our situation do) if my disappointment would overshadow the joy of having a baby. Then I chastised myself for thinking that way, but I was trying to be honest with myself. We have four boys, and we were actually looking into adoption to ensure that we would have a little girl, but then we thought…why not roll the dice? Whatever happens, will happen. Laying on that table in the hospital, I KNEW with what I guess they would call “mother’s intuition” that we were going to have another boy, and I knew in my heart that I was ok with that. Instead of awaiting my reaction, I prayed that the baby was ok, and that I was ok as well.

I admit I was curious about my husband’s reaction. Would he be disappointed? He has told me from day one…he just wants me to be ok, he wants a healthy baby, and then we watched our little niece for two weeks. R is two years old, in fact she was born exactly 11 years after our oldest son, C. Seeing R and the boys with a little girl was such a different experience for me. ALL the boys were softer, more careful with her, and seeing R hold her hand or carry her was different than seeing him with the boys. He was also softer. R could be our daughter. My sister and I look so much alike, that I would look at our niece and think IF we had a little girl she MIGHT look like this. Our baby is healthy, and he seems to be happy rolling around in my tummy, but I feel a twinge when I pass all the cute little dresses, and know that I will never take a girl shopping for a prom dress, or a wedding dress, but then I look at my boys and I remember what my husband said to me, “We are pros as boys, honey.”

WHICH leads me to my next topic. I am sure every parent to be has looked at her belly (or their partners belly) and wondered, “Will I be a good parent? Oh god! What if I’m not a good parent!” Babies don’t come with instruction manuals, and when you are exhausted, your breasts hurt from nursing 24/7 and your five month old STILL won’t sleep through the night, you have your doubts. You wonder if you are doing something wrong, or in the words of the writer’s of “Look Who’s Talking” if your baby has some exotic baby disease. And then you feel guilty for thinking it could POSSIBLY have anything to do with the beautiful child in your arms, the entire emotional roller coaster can be nerve racking.

Our 8 year old, A, was diagnosed ADHD. If you know anything about ADHD/ADD you know there isn’t a definitive test for the condition. You answer questions, the child’s teachers answer questions, etc and then someone look at the answers and labels your child. We chose a combination of medication and behavioral therapy, and some days are good, some are great, and some are just plain bad. On the bad days, I blame myself. I wonder if I show A enough affection, if I tell him that I love him often enough. Instead of remembering what an amazing little boy he is, I focus on what he did wrong, and I blame myself for that. I let his actions define me, and to some extent him. Instead of just saying….A had a bad day, let’s move on…I dwell on it, and think a good parent wouldn’t do that.

My husband has a better grip on it. He talks to A, and/or reads the note the teacher sent home. Tells A this is what his consequences are, and moves on….I think an 8 year old boy acting up is a sign that I am failing as a mom. But then, and this often seems to happen at JUST The right time, A will say something or do something, and I will remember what an amazing kid he is. Yes, he can be a challenge, and yes I get frustrated at times, but my life is so much better because he is in it, and for a child to have that kind of effect on someone, he must have a pretty good parent, right?

Hey. Psstt! It’s another boy!