I admit that I like things to be planned out. We took our boys to DisneyWorld a couple of years ago, and I made dinner reservations, planned which parks we would visit on what day, scheduled in time for shopping and even ’scheduled’ free time. The way I figure it…we paid a lot of money to spend that week there, I want to get my money’s worth. R would rather we just sort of wing it…but what happens if we miss something? And this is part of the reason I HATE ‘vacations.’ They aren’t fun for me! I know…I know…I should relax and enjoy it…but I don’t. The kids are out of the element, so there is that issue of the ‘new and surprising.’ Anyone with kids knows that isn’t always easy to counteract, when you have kids that NEED to be on a schedule. I can deal with the money, after all we all need to get away from the daily grind, so we have to save money, OR you dump it all on a credit card..which for my husband and I causes more stress, so our option is to save money….not always easy to do. But ok….fine, we do it. MY problem is…we are expecting another baby..and we have NOTHING. We thought H was going to be our last…so we got rid of everything. We are going to spend all this money, and all I can think is….there are SO many other things we need to get.

BUT, for me the big thing is…and I realize this is probably petty and selfish, but R and the boys don’t seem to get why I dread this. I am almost five months pregnant, I get carsick driving 20 minutes from the house….does anyone REALLY think I am excited about an 11 hour drive? I have a bacterial infection compounded by my hormones….and lucky me I get to drive to a WARMER climate with two dogs and four kids. Now, I am not going to sit here and complain about my inlaws…I adore my mother and father in law. There have been a number of instances where I talk to my in laws rather than my own parents. In the chronicles of inlaws…I was blessed, I admit that. BUT, all I want from my family is for them to admit and acknowledge that this is NOT going to be easy for me. NOT once did anyone suggest an alternative…it was just assumed that I would suck it up and deal with it, well guess what? That is what I have been doing for the last month..while hives, scabs and this mysterious rash racked my body….I have sucked up the last four months of vomiting, dry heaves and just general exhaustion, and in the end…ALL I want is an offer to maybe invite my inlaws to our home, or to at least admit that this trip is going to be rough, but it means something to R and the kids. Instead, I am the bad guy because I have these feelings! And perhaps that is what bothers me the most….I feel guilty for feeling this way, because R and the boys are usually NEVER this blind when it comes to my feelings. Perhaps I AM selfish for feeling this way.

hearing these two things specifically:

1) I just can’t do anything! This often come from people with ONE child…they can’t bathe, cook dinner, go out, etc. And yet, how come those of us with MORE than one child seem to get it done? No, I don’t have outside help, though at this point I don’t think my husband would be opposed to hiring someone to come in and clean a few times a year. (I admit it…I am not the best housekeeper in the world, but our dishes and clothes are always clean, and for the most part the house would pass a cursory inspection.) Not having a spic and span house aside, for the most part my husband and I get things done. I manage to bathe daily, my legs are even shaved year round! I make time during the day to sit down and watch something just for me….General Hospital much to the annoyment of my husband and children. I usually am able to get SOME sort of dinner on the table, and occasionally when I feel really ambitious I will do something for lunch as well. The bottom line is just because you have kids doesn’t mean your life is over, and I am so tired to hearing people complain about that. IF you can’t get what you need to get done during the day, you might want to sit down and check out your time management skills. Granted when you have kids your priorities will change. I have no interest in blow drying my hair everyday, and putting on a full face of makeup, but I make sure my hair is clean and I look presentable when we run to the store. My clothes don’t all have designer labels, but they are clean, they match and I look somewhat fashionable. (Our kids dress better than we do, but I am sure most parents can relate to that.) With four kids, and right now I am coaching summer swim, I don’t have time to cook big meals every night (Or every two nights and then we eat leftovers as I try to do in the off season), but there IS food to eat in the house, and whenever I feel up to it I try to put something together. You CAN get it done, it just takes a bit more juggling.

And two, and this has ALWAYS bugged the heck out of me….”Four boys! ARe you guys going to try for a girl?” Now, before I get into this let me say..YES, I am pregnant, but the idea here was we wanted ONE more baby. We felt we had room in our hearts and home for one more child, so we went for it. I didn’t go into this thinking…I NEED a girl, I need a girl. If we have a girl, great…if we have a boy, great, we just want a healthy baby. That said….It has always bothered me that people feel because I have four sons, something is missing in my life…specifically a little girl. There have been times in my life when I thought…a girl would be great! And then I look at my boys and think….wow, that means I am going to have to learn to do hair, put on makeup and attend ballet class. I have no problem doing any of that, but I will be honest I am more comfortable at the pool than the dance hall. I can deal with my rough and tumble little boys, can I handle a girly-girl? BUT, I disgress….why do strangers, who know nothing about me or my family, assume I am walking around with a hole in my heart because I can’t buy pink dresses and lip gloss? Is that the goal of parents…to have AT LEAST one of each, so that they don’t miss out on anything?

My husband can let this roll right off his back, and while I won’t call someone out for their complaints or give someone attitude for assuming I want a little girl, I find these comments irksome. And yet, I have to wonder…after the baby is born, will I do the same thing to complete strangers?!

Just a post to sort of mention all my guys, so many little things have happened, so I thought I would do an update post.

ME

As I mentioned yesterday, I am pregnant.  Fourteen weeks and three days.  (can you tell I am already anxious?)  R will tell you I am just old, but so far things have been rough on me.  Perhaps I was just spoiled with the boys, very little morning sickness with all four of them, in fact with our youngest I coached swimming until I was about 37 weeks pregnant, with little to no hardship.  But this one so far has been rough, lots of morning sickness, heartburn and the most exciting part-some strange rash has taken over my body!  Not only do I itch like crazy, but I am pretty sure my husband and my kids are somewhat grossed out by it all.  Hopefully, the dermatologist will be able to tell me what is going on.

R-The Man of the House.

He is tired, I think, of hearing me scratch at 5 in the morning!  I even woke him up the other day: he threw out a “Stop it!”  I told him to “Shut up and go back to sleep.”  He hasn’t said a whole lot about the pregnancy, though I think he is excited.  Usually a rather forgetful man when it comes to household appointments, etc..he is pretty on top of my OB appointments.  I saw him waiting with bated breath when, at my last appointment, the doctor searched my belly for the baby’s heartbeat.

C-Baby Number 1

Although, he just turned 13, and in many ways is becoming a young man, I look at him and still see a tiny little boy.  He is taller than me now, and starting to fill out.  Shoulders are becoming broader, as is his jaw and every so often his voice will crack much to my amusement.  And let’s not even talk about those flippers he calls feet!  HUGE!  But he is a good kid, and I admit to being so proud of him.

J-Number 2

J is excited about starting middle school next month, frankly I can’t believe this is the same little boy I used to drop off at preschool.  He would walk into his classroom and ALWAYS turn back and wave, and tell me he loves me.  Happily neither he nor his older brother is at the age where they are embarassed to be seen with us, but I secretly dread the day that will change.  J still fights with A about every little thing, but I catch glimpses of patience surfacing, showing me that he is maturing.

A-8 year old wonder!

Today A told me he doesn’t sleep very well.  I asked him if he was ok, did he feel sick?  He looked at me and said, A temperpedic mattress system would help him sleep better (I am sure I spelled that wrong).  They are more conducive to a good nights sleep.  Of course, I had to share this with my husband, who had a good laugh over it.  A says something like this, which I know he learned from an infomercial and I am just amazed at his memory, and how he brings these things up in conversation, and then I remember the little boy running around in the yard with a stick hoping to get a bird to land on it.  I need to remember that those moments of childhood abandon are going to come less and less, and I need to enjoy them more when they do come around.

H-our baby

H is actually quite fond of telling us, and really anyone that will listen, that he is our baby.  When he is mad at me he is daddy’s baby, and vice versa.  Sometimes, we are his babies.  I worry that when the baby is born he will feel displaced.  He tells me often that I have a baby in my belly.  He asks if it plays with toys and if the baby is hungry, but he is so young I don’t want him to feel that he is being replaced in any way.  Because of this I find myself letting him get away with things that I think drive R crazy.  I let him sleep in our room, I don’t push the potty training.  I want to enjoy my baby for as long as possible, but at the same time I know it is my job to help move him along in those preschool years.

All in all, our homelife is happy.  We are all healthy (except for my nagging rash!) and happy for the most part.  All the boys are looking forward to the day we find out the sex of the baby, getting ready for school and just enjoying the summer.  R and I are busy getting ready for a short trip to Georgia to visit family and get away from it all for a bit.  Now, we just have to figure out what to do with the beast…….

Yep you read that right, we are going to be welcoming another member of our clan into our home sometime in January. Perhaps we might have to look at a different name for the site if we have a little girl!

It was funny, I was ready to put my dreams of another baby to rest. It had been a little over 6 months, and I was tired of feeling let down. I didn’t like the fact that I was feeling betrayed by my own body. It is silly to feel this way, other couples have struggled with infertility for years, spent thousands of dollars on that slim chance they can have a baby, and here I was mad at something I had never been betrayed by before simply because I am impatient.

I had in fact told my husband that I didn’t think I could do this anymore, and BAM! the next day the EPT stick shows positive. I like to think it was ’someone’s’ way of telling me that I can’t control everything, and the sooner I realize that the better. R was supportive as always, I think in his heart he always felt this was my decision, and while I know he wants this baby as much as I do, I understand that seeing me hurt, sad, frustrated or whatever I was feeling isn’t something my husband can handle easily. R is a quiet man, something that at times frustrates me. I am not a quiet person by nature. I will laugh, yell, scream, chat and basically make a huge ruckus, but rarely does R do this. That isn’t to say he can’t get his point across when he has one that needs to be made, it just means we do things differently. Though it frustrates me I can’t imagine how this house would be if he was as ‘expressive’ as I was all the time. He wants to make me happy, sometimes he does so at his own expense, and I want him to realize I understand how selfish I can be sometimes. I hope he realizes that the sacrifices he makes for me and our family don’t go unnoticed.

Yes, we are having another baby. I keep track of how many weeks I have to go, and I sit here with hives and splotches all over my body and sigh that 25 weeks is forever, and R patiently tells me…”NO, honey, it really isn’t.” And to be honest, as miserable as I am right now..I know he is right. Of course, for me everything hinges on whether or not this is a boy or a girl. I was in Target today, and I will be honest..I don’t WANT to be yellow or green onesies and sheets! I want PINK or BLUE! R on the other hand is perfectly cool with letting it all be a surprise, and yet I know he will let me find out because it makes me happy.

I just want him to know I love him…and that I couldn’t do ANY of this without him by my side.