on well….my life! I don’t remember the last time I posted, but a lot has happened!

I finished another season with the high school swim team….another season, another batch of kids that I will lose. I say lose because some of my swimmers will graduate. There are always a few kids that I become close too, always a few that remind me in some ways of my own children, though I refuse to believe I could be the mother of a 17 year old! It is tough for me to remember that I won’t have them on the team next year, that I will watch them swim their last race for me. But in the end, I am so proud of the high school team.

But perhaps the biggest news is that we are hoping to add to our family! in October my husband and I decided to have one more baby….we are hoping that it will be ‘natural’ meaning I will get pregnant, and in nine months or so we will have a baby…..but a part of me feels let down every month when the PMS sets in. I wake up one morning and realize….”Well, maybe next month.” Only to realize that I am getting older, and it won’t get any easier. I have to ask myself…how far do I want to push this? We originally said we would try for eight months, what if eight months comes and I am still not pregnant…do I want to renegotiate the terms with my husband? Do I want to see a specialist? Or do I accept the fact that my body gave us four beautiful boys, and it can’t do it again? My husband, my sister, even my mother (who was VERY surprised that I wanted another child) tells me I am not that old…that I have plenty of time; but I woke up this morning…only to realize four months have gone by. I will be 33 next month….IF I can’t get pregnant do I want to be 40 and still trying? Can I let this go?

Now, of course to some it would seem I am being melodramatic…but any woman that has decided to have a baby knows, when you realize that another month has gone by and you are not pregnant…it hurts. It just hurts….

On to some more upbeat news…we are trying to decide if the baby, though not so much a baby anymore, is ready for preschool. Two mornings a week…not a big deal, but I can’t imagine dropping him off with his little backpack and saying goodbye to my baby! With each boy it was hard for me to say goodbye…to put them on that bus for the first time, or to drop them off at school and realize I was not their teacher for the day. I want my kids to have every opportunity, and if we can give them even a little leg up shouldn’t we do that?

The past few months have been busy…but a good busy. I feel like my marriage has gotten stronger, my kids are getting older, and my life is getting better. I feel….blessed.